Turning the Page

Nine Interesting Questions to Help you Handle Criticism

Criticism comes to us all, but we can grow through it. We need to listen, ask questions and learn how to handle it with dignity.
They knew what was going to happen even before they got home. They were going to have to run through a gauntlet of criticism.
Where did you go?
Why did you do that?
Can’t you do anything right
You’re always doing that
Criticism hurts
Some of the words were like outright punches to their soul, while others were like a cat digging its claws in just to let you know its there. Little scratches, dragging deep, cutting to the core.
This was becoming a normal part of life.
Poke, poke, prick, prick, punch, punch.  It was wearing them down to where they saw every little comment as a criticism. They were getting swallowed up by the negativity and losing their breath.
It’s a sad reality that words can cut you down, and little jabs can take you out.
Have you ever been criticized? How did you handle it?
Most of us don’t handle criticism well.
All too often, one criticism collects with another criticism, and a pattern is formed in our brain. A belief is birthed that we are a failure, everything we do is wrong, and we have no value.
This can be so hard wired into us that even when someone isn’t criticizing us, we still hear it as a criticism. Our negativity bias in our brain can warp even a kind word into a critique.
What can help to handle the negativity is to ask yourself some questions that will shift your thinking out of reaction and self condemnation into a more reflective pragmatic mode.
Nine questions to help you handle criticism
What was my emotional response to the criticism?Did I bury it? Take it in as truth? Get angry, frustrated?Examining your feelings may help you make sense of it all.
Have I clarified the criticism?People say things to us, and we respond but is our response accurate to what was being said.It’s often useful to slow the emotion train down and pragmatically ask clarifying questions.‘So what I hear you saying is …’‘Can you explain … to me further.’‘Would be able to tell me more?’
Can you write their criticism down?As part of clarifying the criticism, write it down, present it to them, ask them if you got it right. Create a log of all the criticisms you endure. Put all the criticisms into one place. It may show some trends.
Is there some truth to learn here?All of us have areas in our lives that we could work on. Such as not putting your dirty coffee cup in the dishwasher is annoying.Perhaps their criticism has some validity.
 
 Well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts,    but profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:6
As iron sharpens iron,    so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17
Is this more about them than it is about me?Are they letting off steam, and you happen to get caught in the vent?Perhaps they are a bully, wanting to dominate and control.Maybe there is a pecking order that they want to maintain.Perhaps they are blaming you for things that are actually their responsibility.
Is there a pattern to their criticism?There may well be a pattern to their fault-finding. Every day at a specific time, they always take a shot.Perhaps it’s related to an event. ‘You always forget to buy peanut butter’ after you have been shopping.
Could a problem-solving sheet help?If there is a regular pattern of criticism, it might be time to pull out a problem-solving sheet and pragmatically work through the issue.Learn more here
Is my inner critic the one that is creating the noise?We all have an inner critic that regularly tells us we are not doing this or that. That we are not performing up to a certain standard. Comparisonitis can kick in too.The criticism heard was minor but its being amplified by the inner critic.Sometimes you have to tell your inner critic to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP or perhaps more gently to take a back seat.
Has a line of love and respect (boundary) been crossed, and if so, what are the consequences for crossing them?Some times it just gets too much. A line had been crossed, and you need to express a consequence. ‘When you said that, it crossed a line.  The consequence will be …’
Summary
Remember, you can’t control how others respond to you. What you can control is how you respond to them.
It takes time, reflective time, where you listen to yourself and what gets generated within you when a criticism lands. Then move out from there.
Quotes to consider
Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5
Other peoples’ reaction to you might be telling you more about themselves, than about you. Don’t take it so personally. D. Riddell
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a contentious wife. Proverbs 21:9
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said. Peter Drucker
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. Lao Tzu
He who throws dirt always loses ground. Unknown
He has a right to criticize who has a heart to help. Abraham Lincoln
Praise and encouragement is much more effective in changing others’ behaviour than is criticism, but which do you use on yourself? D. Riddell
Questions to answer
Can we become hypersensitive to criticism? How can we defuse the hypersensitivity?
Who has a stronger voice in your life? The inner critic or an outer critic?
What example can you think of where criticism was given in a helpful way. What made it helpful?
Further reading
Give them your Shirt and confuse the bully into shame
How ‘Going the extra Mile’ Flips the Power Dynamics
Does ‘Turning the other cheek’ mean I have to keep taking abuse?
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Matthew T Rader

Upon Leaving the Cocoon

We all have a cocoon around us that may keep us safe, too safe, but there is a time for leaving the old and entering the new. Sometimes we have to walk through the crowd to get there. 
Something new was happening in them. They were changing, leaving. There was a spark in their eyes, and people were starting to notice, comment, and ask questions. They were leaving a tired old cocoon.
It had been a safe place,  but now it was getting too cramped and tight for all the work they had been doing on the inside. It had been mostly hidden work, and only a few knew the struggles and suffering they had been through, but now it was time to evolve. 
When the memories joined up, and the story gained clarity, things began to make sense. When she was offered new truth and insights, further sense was made about who she truly was. Lightbulb thinking moments began to spark, then whole street rows of lights glowed, and a new path was shown.
Massive learnings were beginning to take place.
What she had believed about herself once was now being turned upside down. She was starting to see her life the right side up.
Upon leaving the cocoon
I’ve noticed that often when people have this sense of emergence, there are several responses.
Wonderment and joy. Everything seems fresh, alive, and full of adventurous invitation. There is a whole new world to explore.
Anger and Grief. There can be grief and anger at being kept in the old prison for so long.
Celebration from others. People notice and rejoice in the change.
Ambivalence from others. They don’t notice. They are so trapped in their small world contexts that they are blind to see the beauty coming forward.
Rejection from others. Some will question it, challenge it, and possibly reject it. It makes them uncomfortable to see ripples of newness.
Walkthrough the crowd
In an interesting little story of Jesus, we see him breaking out of the cocoon of others’ expectations. Their response was a desire to kill the butterfly.
He had just announced to his township who he was, and they didn’t take kindly to his divinity.
They got up, drove him out of the town, and led him to the brow of the hill on which their town was built, so that they might hurl him off the cliff. But he passed through the midst of them and went on his way. Luke 4:29-30
At times you have to leave the town behind because the town will keep you in the mindset of a town.
The next time he came home, the town still kept him in the framework of the past.
He came to his hometown and began to teach the people in their synagogue, so that they were astounded and said,
“Where did this man get this wisdom and these deeds of power? Is not this the carpenter’s son? Is not his mother called Mary? And are not his brothers James and Joseph and Simon and Judas?  And are not all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all this?” And they took offense at him.
But Jesus said to them, “Prophets are not without honor except in their own country and in their own house.” And he did not do many deeds of power there, because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:54-58
Your framework
The town saw him as the carpenter’s son, mother – Mary, brothers, sisters.
That was the identity for which they could place him in. The markers of identity were true, but he had left the cocoon of their context.
They were trying to fit the box of their context around the Son of God. Impossible.
No miracles happened there, nothing of life-changing power for them. Jesus moved on through the crowd yet again. Leaving them behind in their own cocoon.
What’s your cocoon?
What are the walls you are pressing up against that need to broken apart? Are there some beliefs about yourself that you need to tear away? Are you allowing others to define your town?
There is a beauty and purpose that may well be waiting for expression.
Let it come in its own time and walk through the crowd because, as Mother Teresa says, ‘it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.’
Quotes to consider
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live.Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.Perfection is static, and I am in full progress.Abnormal pleasures kill the taste for normal ones.Anaïs Nin
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.Forgive them anyway.If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.Be kind anyway.If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.Succeed anyway.If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.Be honest and sincere anyway.What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.Create anyway.If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.Be happy anyway.The good you do today, will often be forgotten.Do good anyway.Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.Give your best anyway.In the final analysis, it is between you and God.It was never between you and them anyway.Mother Teresa
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another. Anatole France
The word change normally refers to new beginnings. But transformation more often happens not when something new begins but when something old falls apart. The pain of something old falling apart—disruption and chaos—invites the soul to listen at a deeper level. It invites and sometimes forces the soul to go to a new place because the old place is not working anymore. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
Change can either help people to find a new meaning, or it can cause people to close down and turn bitter. The difference is determined by the quality of our inner life, or what we call “spirituality.” Change of itself just happens; spiritual transformation is an active process of letting go, living in the confusing dark space for a while, and allowing yourself to be spit up on a new and unexpected shore. You can see why Jonah, in the belly of the whale is such an important symbol for many Jews and Christians. Richard Rohr When Things Fall ApartQuestions to answer
What frameworks do you and others keep yourself in?
Have you had any experience of leaving a ‘cocoon’? What was it like? How did others respond?
What is the cocoon you need to begin to let go of?
Further Reading
Image cc: Suzanne D. Williams

Learning to Detach Helps with Anxiety

Anxiety can make you want to control, but learning to detach can bring peace. Perhaps you care too much and its time to let go.
She was holding on tightly. Too tightly. It was care, it was love, but in that embrace, she was suffocating the life out of the other, and destroying peace in herself.
She was not allowing the other to find their way through the pains of growth.
I know what it’s like. You become so emotionally attached to someone that they are glued to your soul. In a good sense, its love, but on the dark side, it can lead to control, manipulation, anxiety, worry, and fear. 
You see their warts, and you want to fix, rescue, or save them.
A heartbeat of anxiety pounds within your head and worry flows around you.
You’re consumed by it, but you know that there is nothing you can do. You’ve tried to control, manipulate, and bribe compliance, but the more you do this, the greater the anxiety grows. You try to take power over the situation, but it only backfires in your face.
There is a time to detach
I’ve noticed in these times of fear that a quiet invitation to detach comes. To let go that which I have been clasping on to.
I think that the best way I can describe this healthy form of detachment might be in two metaphors and a parable.
Space vehiclesI see the image of the Apollo rocket and its vehicle detaching. Joined through an airlock, there is a free flow of people and supplies. But there comes a time when they have to detach. One lets the other one go. It’s quiet and seamless. The other may not even know there has been a detachment, but there is a knowing that there will be a return.
I see myself letting go.
The release in the dance
Two dancers joined together. Hand to hand, eye to eye, waist to waist. There’s a closeness and a connection, but then comes a moment when one dancer is released to perform another movement. There is a healthy detachment with the hope of return.
Loving the prodigal
It’s a story with many layers, but in the parable of the Loving Father (Prodigal Son), we see a loving father releasing his son to go his own way. Its a detachment. He is letting the son go.
There is the hope of a return, but it’s not certain. The father is not dependant on a son’s approval or love for him to have peace. The father hopes and looks for the son to learn something about his very own loving and secure nature.
The son enters the darkness to return to the light.
Healthy and unhealthy detachment
Healthy detachment comes with love for the other and yourself. You realize that holding on is not helping them learn. It’s not helping you find peace. Your protecting them is not allowing them to learn from the natural consequences.
Unhealthy detachment comes with selfishness. It’s all about you and getting your needs met your way. You have no concern for them at all. Its the opposite of love, its indifference.
Poet or a chessplayer?
One of my favorite quotes is this.
“Poets do not go mad; but chess-players do. Mathematicians go mad, and cashiers; but creative artists very seldom. I am not, as will be seen, in any sense attacking logic: I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not in imagination.”  G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
What he is saying that if you live your life like a chessplayer where you are trying to control all the pieces and manipulate an outcome, then it’s going to be very stressful and anxiety forming.
Whereas, a poet finds creative freedom by being attached to the ‘imagination.’
A prayer of release
Detaching requires wisdom. A knowing that it’s going to be ok on the other side.
This knowing is discovered through practice. The more you learn to let go, the greater you learn that you will be ok. That someone greater is still holding your hand.
Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr serenity prayer is a prayer of release and detachment. Its a prayer you might like to pray whenever those feelings of anxiety well up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr
Anxiety can make you want to control, but learning to detach can bring peace. Perhaps you care too much and its time to let go.
Quotes to consider
Anxiety can make you want to control but learning to detach can bring peace. Perhaps you care too much and its time to let go.
If some problems have no adequate explanations, and never will have, then we must come to grips with confusion and learn to live in mystery.   Larry Crabb
Don’t try to change others, work on yourself instead. Your response to others is always your responsibility, and the right response ensures respect all round. David Riddell
If I am not for myself who is for me? And being for my own self, what am ‘I’? And if not now, when? Hillel the Elder
I’ve got this thing in my heartI must give you todayIt only lives when youGive it away.Bruce Cockburn
Questions to answer
What feelings emerge when you consider letting go and detaching?
Who is in control?
Are you more the Chessplayer or more the Poet?
Further reading
A Simple Way That God Cares For Your Worn Out Soul
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Natalie Grainger

‘Power over’ or ‘Power With’. What causes you to flourish?

‘Power over’ was normal, but ‘power with’ was what they needed. When we listen deeply, we move forward.  Mental health flourishes when power is shared.
She was small in stature, and I think she also saw herself as being a little person, insignificant. She was also quiet and never really said much or offered up an opinion. When she shared some of her story, I learned how, as a young adult, she had developed schizophrenia.
In her delusional state, she had done some very destructive things to people’s property. She had been committed to living in a Mental Health hospital and lived there for many years.
In an ordered regimented world like one of those old Mental Health hospitals, you lose your power, and you can even lose your identity.
Do this, do that, and you and the world will be safe. Straight jacketed secure, but safe none the less.
But I always made it a point to seek out her opinion. Not the surface opinion but her views deeper down, under the self-belief she had that her opinion didn’t matter.
There was gold to be had under the layers of power abuses she had endured.
Power dynamics
In mental health work and much of life, we need to understand the role of power. Who has it and how it’s used. ‘Power over’ and ‘Power with.’
Power overThis form of power is top-down. Being told what to do. Bullying, domination, control, authority. You see it everywhere because it’s easy to do. There is no need for negotiation.
It’s ‘My way or the highway’; Win: lose where I win, and you lose; ‘I know what’s best for you.’
This type of power is enforced in many ways. It could be by controlling the resources we need to live: money, food, shelter, medical care. Or it could be more subtle by controlling information, approval, love.
We often only become aware of its functioning when we see it in its extreme. The bully and the battered wife.
Sometimes, particularly in Mental Healthcare, it is needed. When someone is unwell, they may not have the rational ability to make informed decisions. For their safety and the safety of others, they may have to receive compulsory enforced health care.
I well remember talking with people who were having psychotic episodes who thought they were perfectly well, yet everyone around could see that they had lost contact with reality. They were hearing and seeing things no one else experienced, and this was leading them to want to do dangerous things. There had to be an intervention for their sakes as well as society as a whole.
Power with
This is sharing the power to make a decision about what to do.  It grows out of the soil of listening. There is mutual respect and support for each other. A valuing of each other’s opinions and a desire to learn more.
In a ‘power with’ relationship questions are asked
Can we work on this together?
Please tell me more?
Help me understand?
Did I understand you correctly?
Have you any questions for me?
Is there anything you don’t understand?
Why this matters for Mental Health
When someone becomes unwell with Mental illness, often they lose a great deal of power. People, with all the best intentions in the world, tell them what they should do.
Go to the doctor, read this book, try this herbal remedy. In looking for help, they may get all the advice but little support in working through the options.
Often there can be a disconnect with an ability to do anything about heir situation. They don’t know about the options available to them.
Many times I have sat with people who have been confused about their mental wellness. The best message I have given them is, ‘I don’t know what is going on either, but together we will find a way through.’ Then we might talk about options such as going together to see a Doctor.
Is God ‘power over’ or ‘power with’?
I believe that how you view God is how you view everything. If you think God is a distant old man in the sky reigning ‘power over’ lighting bolts down on us, then that is going to color your thinking.
For me, I believe that God is in a ‘power with’ us relationship.
We may be looking for the miracle ‘power over’ encounters of healing when all along God offers us miracle moments of ‘power with’ love and grace.
John tells it this way
The Word became flesh and blood,    and moved into the neighborhood. John 1:14
In the Greek, it says that God came and tabernacled with us. A tabernacle is a tent, so I see a holiday campsite and God coming and setting up a tent next to mine. We share some sausages, have a few beers, listen to the cricket (sport), and maybe go fishing together.
The presence of God tenting with me empowers me to express this ‘power with’ relationship with others.
The invitation of empowerment
The invite is to observe those moments where you want to quickly ‘power over’ others. Why do you want to do this?
Then to pull back and look for ways in which you can develop a ‘power with’ relationship.
It starts with listening. Asking good questions and providing information that will keep the dialogue flowing.
Empowerment of others may mean a lessening of your own self. It may mean putting the needs of others ahead of your own. It may mean taking the back seat so others can learn to drive. But hey, then you can enjoy the scenery!
Quotes to consider
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. Antoine de Saint-Exupery
‘Whom do we listen to and whom do we trust? Trust is essential to listening. Why do we believe the myth that the poor people don’t know anything and can’t be trusted? Where do you really find more truth about society – at the top or the bottom? Are the best solutions conceived in the corridors of power or in the neighborhoods? Jim Wallis
Only those willing to stand close enough to listen will ever hear those closest to the problem. Jim Wallis
“Research teaches us that the capacity to reach out to others for help in dealing with fear and pain is the best single remedy for emotional injury.  Whether the person is struggling with the effects of combat, rape, or childhood injury, the best predictor of trauma resolution is good social support.” ~ Terrence Real, I Don’t Want To Talk About It 
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one. C.S. Lewis 
Questions to answer
What examples of ‘power over’ and ‘power with’ can you think of?
Why do we use ‘power over’ as a default method in our relationships?
What would it take for you to adopt a more ‘power with’ relationship with others?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image:Ryan Tauss

Good things, like Mental Health, take Time. Let’s be patient

We all want immediate results. A change to our situation, but Mental Health recovery takes time, so let’s be patient with ourselves and others.
‘I wish this would go away’ were the unsaid words messaged in the face of despair, looking at me.
I had seen that gaze many times, and with compassion, I would have loved to have given them a miracle sweep of a magicians wand and see their depression leave, the memories of trauma retreat away, the marriage restored, the grief softened.
We live in an immediate world. With the gentlest of touches on the screen of a smartphone, we can get instant results.  But the healing of a broken soul can seem interminable. 
No Shortcuts
Of course, there is a time for pace, to get to the desired location quickly and efficiently, but I have found in my own life and others that in the healing of the soul, in Mental Health recovery, there are no shortcuts.
If a so-called shortcut is found and taken, then it seems that you wind up back where you started in the first place, still facing the problems and the pain.
Short cuts to relieve the pain might be a preferred addiction – drugs, alcohol, porn, hobbies, sex, shopping. Anything that offers the briefest of moments of avoidance. We also like to minimize, fix the problem quickly, move on, move.
We slap a bandaid on the wound without cleaning out the pus, and we think we’re done.
Mainland Cheese
We have a brand of cheese here in New Zealand called Mainland cheese. Its made in the South Island, and part of its branding message is that it takes time to make good cheese.
The advertisements feature images of beautiful South Island scenery and peaceful music. It’s like stepping back into another time with two elderly gentlemen talking about the old times. It’s very nostalgic.
The message is that ‘good things take time.’
Mental health takes time. Reflection time and brain change time.
Reflection time
When you look into a mirror, you see the image of yourself a fraction of a millisecond ago. It’s the speed of light, but it is history you’re looking at. So you comb your hair this way or that. You apply makeup, or you shave that bit of stubble you missed.
You observe the reflection and learn from it.
Experience is not a great teacher.
I have seen people have the same experience over and over again. They do the same stupid things repeatedly, and never learn from them.
They haven’t taken time to dig deep into what has gone on, why they repeatedly do the same thing over and over again. They have a blind guide, and it’s themself.
Mental health grows out of deep and sometimes painful reflection. Taking time to embrace the reality of the struggle fully.
Good things can’t be rushed. It takes time to sit and ponder.
Brain change time
It’s so good to know that our brains are capable of being rewired. That we can have new networks laid into the physical structure of our brain. This, of course, takes time.
I would love to be able to see the rewiring of my brain from when it was at its most depressed/ anxious state many years ago to where it is now. Old pathways are dying off, new ones growing, and then falling away as even fresher and more unique paths take their place.
Brain change is a process of unlearning old ways and learning new paths.
Its an evolving creative garden of neurological delight.
In the past, when I have been asked to pray for the healing of someone with a Mental Illness, I have prayed for those small little neurons to change physically.
That is where Mental Health miracles take place.
Most people want an immediate change to the way they feel and think, but that would be a too radical change for anyone to handle.
Mental health healing is slow and gradual. It needs to be. No one could handle a brain transplant the way we emotionally want it to happen.
Patience, please
There is some good work going on, but it takes patience for the maturity of the cheese to come.
Patience, not pushing, demanding, or pressuring yourself to be something you’re not ready for. There is a natural healing that has to take its own time.
There is a practice to be had of acceptance and then stepping out and trying new things. Patience grows out of an awareness of our limitations but with a gentle hope for something more.
The size of a neuron
Imagine all the billions of neurons in your brain. Super tiny, all firing off little electrical messages that help you do everything you do.
Some of those neurons have run their course in your life. They were useful once, but now after careful reflection, you want to learn some new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. That may seem daunting to you, but let’s keep focused at the size of a neuron. Super small, you want to see change.
Form a habit of small.
Prayerfully ask God to help with the rewiring of your neurons.
I have lots of suggestions in my free ebook  Four Spiritual Exercises for Mental Health. 
Also, there are links below to other articles that can help.
Quotes to consider
Where there is great love there are always miracles. Willa Cather
Experience isn’t the best teacher, evaluated experience is. John C Maxwell
We must die to one life before we can enter into another. Anatole France 
A good journey begins with knowing where we are and being willing to go somewhere else. Richard Rohr
Changing behaviour by use of will-power alone will soon result in playing the same tune, but in a different key. The problems just move sideways. D. Riddell
Questions to answer
Why do we want quick solutions?
What changes have you noticed in your Mental Health due to your spending time in reflection?
How does love create a context for Mental Health miracles?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Alexander Maasch

Would you Know my TRUE Name

Many live under a false identity, a name used for the convenience of others, but when we learn their true name connection happens. So what’s your real name?
She said what her name was I knew that it wasn't her real name.
Now that caught my attention because in front of me was a lady of apparent Indian descent. Being the curious character I am, I pushed a little further, and she told her ‘real’ name.
I call her by her real name now. Connection.
I understand why so many people with foreign names adopt a new name. Its called convenience. It’s easier for others to remember, to speak, and I suppose it is a statement of a desire to fit in.
I’ve been carrying out this weirdo experiment for a little while now. Wherever I go regularly, and I see the same person serving me like at the petrol station, I ask them their name. If I think it’s not their real name, then I push a little further, ask them their real name, and endeavor to remember it for the next meeting.
Some of the Asian names are difficult to say because of all the tonal inflections, but just because it might be challenging to pronounce does not give me a license to ignore their true name.
My true name
One person used the words ‘True name’ to describe the name they had been given.
My brain leaped at the word ‘True’ because it’s opposite to the word ‘False.’
Maybe it is a false identity that we are dealing with — living under a false name.
True self/ false self.
Do we want to know something false?
When I recently asked someone how it felt that I wanted to know their name, they said it felt good, nice, and special to think that someone wanted to ‘put the effort’ into knowing their name.
I suppose they felt welcomed and valued.
Welcoming the foreigner
In God’s economy, there are no foreigners. God knows everyone and knows them all by name. Their true name.
Explicit instructions were given as part of the law.
“When a foreigner lives with you in your land, don’t take advantage of him. Treat the foreigner the same as a native. Love him like one of your own. Remember that you were once foreigners in Egypt. I am God, your God.  Leviticus 19:33, 34
Welcoming the foreigner may be as simple as getting to know the true name of the person who mows your lawn or serves your food at the Dunkin Donuts.
Lonely world
We live in an increasingly lonely world, but it doesn’t have to be that way. The foreigner maybe someone you meet every day but is disconnected at a heart level of connection.
It’s often inconvenient to stretch out and be vulnerable.
To open your arms, metaphorically, and embrace the other means your own heart is being exposed to the potential of rejection. A behavior of love being misconstrued as an act of intrusiveness.
When you learn their name
Jim Wallis, in his book Faith Works, tells the story of a lawyer, Dale Recinella, who gets involved in helping out at a local Soup Kitchen.
About twenty years ago, I started helping out at the noon meal of the Good News Soup Kitchen in Tallahassee.
It was located in the city’s then worst crack/prostitution district, halfway between the State Capital and the Governor’s Mansion. I showed up every day in my three-piece suit to help from 11:00 a.m. until 1:30 p.m.
The staff assigned me to “door duty.” That meant my job was to ensure that the street people are lining up to eat waited in an orderly fashion. Every day, I stood at the door for an hour, chatting with the street people waiting to eat.
Before I came to Good News, “street people” was a meaningless term. It defined a group without defining anybody in particular. From the comfort of my car, my suburban home, and my downtown law office, street people were just “those people out there somewhere.”
Then, one day, an elderly woman named Helen came running to the Good News door. A man was chasing her, threatening to kill her if she didn’t give him back his dollar.
“Tell him he can’t hit me here ‘cuz it’s church property!” she pleaded.
In true lawyer fashion, I explained that Good News is not a church, but he still couldn’t hit her. After twenty minutes of failed mediation, I purchased peace by giving each of them a dollar.
That evening, I happened to be standing on the corner of Park and Monroe, a major intersection a few blocks from the State Capital and outside my law office. In the red twilight, I spied a lonely silhouette struggling in my direction from Tennessee St.
“Poor street person,” I thought, as the figure inched closer.
I was about to turn back to my own concerns when I detected something familiar in that shadowy figure. The red scarf. The clear plastic bag with white border. The unmatched shoes.
“My God,” I said in my thoughts, “that’s Helen.”
My eyes froze on her as she limped by and turned up Park. No doubt, she would crawl under a bush to spend the night. My mind had always dismissed the sight of a street person in seconds. It could not expel the picture of Helen.
That night, as I lay on my $1500 deluxe, temperature-controlled waterbed in the suburbs, I couldn’t sleep. A voice in my soul kept asking,
“Where’s Helen sleeping tonight?”
No street person had ever interfered with my sleep before. But the shadowy figure with the red scarf and plastic bag had followed me home.
I had made a fatal mistake.
I had learned her name. 
Let’s put an end to fraudulent living and get to know each other’s names, their true names. As we embrace the ‘foreigner,’ we might just learn something about our name and the identity we have.
Quotes to consider
‘An embrace involves always a double movement of opening and closing.I open my arms to create space in myself for the other. The open arms are a sign of discontent at being myself only and of desire to include the other. They are an invitation to the others to come in and feel at home with me, to belong to me. In an embrace I also close my arms around the others – not tightly, so as to crush and assimilate them forcefully into myself, for that would not be an embrace but a concealed power-act of exclusion; but gently, so as to tell them that I do not want to be without them in their otherness. I want them in their openness. I want them to remain independent and true to their genuine selves, to maintain their identity and as such become part of me so that they can enrich me with what they have and I do not’. Judith M Gundry-Volf, Miroslav Volf. A spacious heart: essays on identity and belonging.
Loneliness is the first thing which God’s eye named not good. John Milton
The heart of spirituality is connection. When we believe in that inextricable connection, we don’t feel alone. Brené Brown
There is a soul yonder which is lonely.” And he added, deep in his own mind, “I owe him a visit.” Les Miserables Victor Hugo
The spiritual life is a life of engagement and connection, not a life of isolation and alienation. But healthy spirituality involves a particular way of relating to others and to the world. It involves relating in love. David G. Benner
Questions to answer
Whom do you know that might have a different name to the one they use with you?
What stops us from asking someone their name?
Who is a ‘foreigner’ to you?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image Unsplash Cristian Newman

Episode 15 Everyone needs a Batman

Life has challenges and can’t be faced alone, but with the help of faithful and loyal friends, we can make it through. We all need a Batman.
They were right there beside me. Where I went, they went. I couldn’t shake them off, and neither would I want to. They saw both my very private moments of despair and the times of victorious success. He was my batman and carried my bat well.
Before Batman wore a mask
Long before Batman made his appearance as comic book caped crusader, some men had a role in military life as being a batman for a senior officer. They were essentially a servant to an officer in the army.
The term is derived from the obsolete word ‘bat’ meaning ‘packsaddle.’ The batman was in charge of the officers ‘bat-horse,’ which would carry the officers kit during a campaign.
A batman’s duties often included
acting as a “runner” to convey orders from the officer to subordinates
maintaining the officer’s uniform and personal equipment as a valet
driving the officer’s vehicle, sometimes under combat conditions
acting as the officer’s bodyguard in combat
digging the officer’s foxhole in combat, giving the officer time to direct his unit
other miscellaneous tasks the officer did not have time or inclination to do
Batman (military)
Sam Hodges
Not a name we probably know, but Sam Hodges was batman to J.R.R. Tolkien at the Battle of the Somme in World War I. This place of hellish death and evil was the context out of which Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings.
Tolkien, I believe, honors his batman by naming one of the principal characters in the story after him.
In the epic story, a small furry footed hobbit called Frodo is on a mission to rid the world of a powerful ring. Alongside him walks an equally little man named Samwise Gangee, a batman to his friend.
So typical was the loyal response of a batman to his officer is that of Sam to Frodo.
“Come, Mr. Frodo!’ he cried. ‘I can’t carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you.”  J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
Jonathan, Ruth, and Mary
When we look into the biblical hero stories of men and women like you and me, we find batmen.
David had Jonathan. He also had his mighty men who would go way beyond the call of duty to serve their leader.
Naomi had a daughter in law Ruth, who declared her loyalty.
Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried.  Ruth 1:16-18
Jesus had Mary
Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.  John 12:1-8
The Batman sees
There is something special about the truest of batmen and batwomen. They see something beyond the immediate struggle. When the one they are serving loses heart, they come alongside and fill up the encouragement tank.
They know that their role is subservient to some higher calling. That there is a mission, and their part to play is backstage.
In real life
I’ve been batman to many. I haven’t dug any actual foxholes, but I have provided places for people to come and find shelter from the storms and battles of life.
It takes the vision of seeing in someone else the battles and challenges they are facing. That takes deep listening.
Then a coming alongside and pouring encouragement into the soul.
For a man, it might well be noticing the remembered movements he is making in his world. He is on a quest, and he stumbles, he falls, you pick him up and tell to keep going.
For a woman, it might well be noticing the beauty that is contained within her. There is an invite there to know something of that divine beauty. She gets hurt, used, and wants to hide, but you confirm the beauty and help her to reveal it once more.
Have we lost batman?
In the foolishness of self individualism, where its all about ‘me’ and less about ‘we’ perhaps we have lost the awareness of batmen and batwomen. The faithful Samwise Gamgee, the loyalty of Ruth, and the self-sacrifice of Mary.
Theodore Roosevelt wrote this
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; ‘The Man in the Arena.’
For every ‘man in the arena,’ there has to be a batman or batwoman in his corner. Someone who will wipe away the dust and sweat and blood. Someone who will give him water and a warm, encouraging pat on the back.
It’s time to acknowledge and endorse the role of Batman and Batwoman and rid Gotham city of despair.
Quotes to consider
Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.Just walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. Henri J.M. Nouwen
Encouragement has its root in the Latin word cor,  which literally means “heart”.  So does the word  courage.  To have courage means to have heart.  To encourage  – to provide with or give courage – literally means to give others heart.  Jim Kouzes, Barry Posner
Questions to answer
What are the qualities of a good batman?
 What other examples can you think of people in the background who have been batmen?
How do we encourage those who seem to be like batmen?
Further reading
 
Barry Pearman

Episode 14 Every Man Needs the Gift of Respect

The heart of a man dries up without words of encouragement. But the gift of respect can flood his life with hope. Let’s listen well.
All he wanted was some whispers of thankfulness.
Some acknowledgment that what he did mattered. He had worked hard all day, fought his battles, and sweated out a song. Now Otis wanted to come home and be told ‘Well done.’
He wanted his remembered movements to be noticed, affirmed, and validated as having value, particularly to his soul mate, his wife.
I believe Otis Redding wrote the song ‘Respect’ with those thoughts in mind.
Aretha Franklin changed the lyrics and the music and turned it into an anthem for both the women’s rights movement and the black freedom struggles.
Redding’s version was written from the perspective of a hardworking man who can only look forward to getting home and finally receiving the respect he deserves from his family. His version is less a plea for respect and more a comment on a man’s feeling of worth in his work life and at home. He mentions that he’s “about to, just give you all of my money,” and that all he wants in return is respect.
Franklin’s version [she changed the lyrics] is a declaration from a strong, confident woman, who knows that she has everything her man wants. She never does him wrong and demands his “respect.”  Respect – Wikipedia
You can’t demand respect. It’s a gift from a considered observation.
What is respect?
It’s interesting to dig into the Greek language and discover something of what this word means.
phobeó – to show reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience
It also has some fear-based connotations – to put to flight, to terrify, frighten.
But in the context of healthy relationships, it’s about seeing something almost god-like in the other. Something that captures your attention and admiration.
We are not in a relationship with a mere mortal as C.S. Lewis would put it.
Pulling back the curtain of a man’s fumblings and foolishness, we might see something that makes us stand in awe. That’s respect.
The greater story
There is a greater story going on, one that has been going on forever, and we are all part of it.
I can trace a few verses of my story back to 150 years ago to where a young man in England boarded a sailing ship and ventured off to a distant foreign land called New Zealand.
I learned a few years ago that before his embarkation, a church service was held at the Metropolitan Tabernacle, which was pastored by Charles Spurgeon.
Could my story include listening to one of the greatest biblical orators of ‘our’ time?
I wonder if Charles Pearman remembered the story of Abraham leaving the comforts of his home and venturing out into the great unknown.
The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. Genesis 12:1
Charles and Abraham remembered and moved.
I remember something of God’s nature and character and move into my world to bring something of the greater story to bear. My children are doing the same. I see the strands of an invisible thread knitting its way through our lives.
Invisible threads are the strongest ties.Friedrich Nietzsche
Respect is a gift
Aretha might have been demanding respect, but really it’s a gift.
Men and women who demand you respect them lose it in an instant. That’s called authoritarian leadership, dictatorship, demandingness — all repugnant.
Respect is an acknowledgment of seeing something in the other that makes your heart sing. It’s seeing the remembered movement of a dance that’s been going on forever and cheering on the steps.
How to give the gift of respect to a man
If you want to listen to a man, then listen for the remembered movements he makes.
Every man wants to have some sense of acknowledgment that his life has weight. That there is a good consequence to his remembered movements.
Become a student of awarenessTake note of what he does. How he does it. What seems to make him ‘fully alive.’I have a builder working on my home at the moment. He is very careful and precise with his measurements. He lets me know what time he will be at our home. He has helpful suggestions about what is needed for the job. It seems that he is ‘fully alive’ with a hammer in his hand.
Look for a connection to the greater story.There is a greater, larger story going on that most men are unaware that they are connected in to.I see in my builder the story of millions of men who have shown up for work every day. Building, creating, restoring, bringing order to a disordered world.
Verbalise thankfulnessRespect grow outs of thankfulness. We see a remembered movement and are thankful for it.I observe the workmanship, and then with a specific focus, I acknowledge the movement.‘I so appreciated you texting me each day when you would be coming next. It helped me plan. Thanks for your suggestions too, there is a lot of wisdom behind your ideas. Well done.’
These three steps may seem weird to you, but practice them and watch a mans life grow
Quotes to consider
Praise and encouragement are much more effective in changing others’ behavior than is criticism, but which do you use on yourself? D. Riddell
The Glory of God is man fully alive.  St Irenaeus
It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which,if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory
Questions to answer
What does the word ‘respect’ mean to you?
Men can often feel entitled and demand respect. Why does this never work for them or others?
What is the larger story that a man you know connects into?
Further reading
Why Male Depression feels like being Impotent and Weightless
Barry Pearman
Photo by Lachlan Dempsey on Unsplash

Episode 13 ‘We need to talk’ about Cortisol

Criticism, shouting, or being ‘put down’ releases the hormone Cortisol into our blood system. It causes us discomfort. When we know this, we can take greater responsibility for our responses.
Four little words will send a shot of terror into a man’s soul.
‘We need to talk.’
On a local sports radio station, one of the presenters has a little audio cutaway with a deeply serious woman saying those words.
Every man has an instant flash of warning lights and hears alarm bells.
The brain brings us sentences such as
What have I done wrong?
How have I failed?
How am I going to get out of this?
Not again?
What is it now?
It doesn’t have to be a woman either. It could be anyone: an employer, a coach, a friend.
What words trigger you?
Criticism
What happens is that these four little words, and variances of them, touch down on the shame/ failure button.
It’s an attack on our wellbeing, or at least that is the way the body hears it. We are in danger of something – real or perceived, and our body is ready to respond to the threat.
Shouting
When shouting is involved in communication, it’s like a physical attack.
It may be words, but they can feel like a punch, a prod, a slap. It’s a power attack. ‘My voice is louder, I’m bigger, and I’m stronger.’
Again it’s an attack on our wellbeing, or at least that is the way the body hears it. We are in danger of something – real or perceived, and our body is ready to respond to the threat.
Cortisol
At the top of our kidneys, we have some little glands called the adrenal glands.
One of the hormones created here is Cortisol.
In my favorite book about men, women, and their differences, Patricia Love and Steven Stosny write this.
Cortisol is a hormone secreted during certain negative emotions.
Its job is to get your attention by making you uncomfortable so that your discomfort drives you to do something to make the situation better.
The pain a woman feels when her man shouts at her is caused by the sudden release of cortisol.
A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted with her unhappiness or criticism.Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. Why Women Talk and Men Walk: How to Improve Your Relationship Without Discussing It
The drive
I’ve always heard about the importance of cortisol in the most threatening of situations such as when you might be under attack by a burglar, or if your house is on fire.
But what about your typical everyday life situations and relationships.  A little criticism here and there, a slightly raised voice. Non-verbal communication threats. A disturbing email lands in your inbox.
You feel threatened, and there is a release of cortisol. You respond in the most natural way to you.
Our response
Most likely, we will choose one of three responses.
Fight – give back as much as we have received and then some. We may lash out criticism or shouting.
Flee – we will run from the problem. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Freeze – we shut down.
This is our body responding to a threat.
What’s more, if we have had repeated threats over and over again, we get to know what is safe and what is not.
We learn that when we are in these situations, then there is a high chance of feeling uncomfortable (the adrenal glands doing their job).
It’s a cortisol hangover that we are trying to avoid.
He may look like he is avoiding her, but he is essentially trying to avoid a cortisol hangover for the next several hours. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
Our responsibility
We are ‘wonderfully complex’ as the Psalmist writes in Psalm 139:14.
Hormones are flowing here and there. Neurons are sparking off, and all are happening without any conscious thought from us.
We have a responsibility, though. Our response to others is our responsibility.
When we notice times when we want to criticize, shout, avoid, or seemingly freeze up, we need to take responsibility for ourselves and not blame the other.
‘You make me so mad’ needs to be seen as ‘I get mad when you do this.’ No one can make you mad without your permission.
Believe it or not, no-one can actually make you angry.You choose your own reaction so quickly it’s hard to believe you did it by yourself. D. Riddell
We need to ask ourselves some questions.
Why are we responding in this way?
Are there ways that I can respond that are healthier?
Is my anger/frustration triggering others to fight, flee, or freeze? Sure their response is their responsibility, but am I communicating in a way that is good and whole?
Then we need to look for ways to respond that are healthier, more gracious, and bring out the best.
Paul wrote this centuries ago, but it still applies today.
Be gracious in your speech.The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation,not put them down, not cut them out. Colossians 4:6
Quotes to consider
With heavy doses of cortisol, shame hurts like hell and drains off all available energy—all you want to do is crawl into a hole. Its message is that something is producing rejection or failure—stop it and cover it up! Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
Monitor your thinking and deliberately dwell on the virtues of your difficult friend, or negative feelings will surely follow. D. Riddell
Accepting responsibility for your own responses and choices is the first step to a healed life. (Christians call this “re-pentance.”) D. Riddell
Instead of spending our lives running towards our dreams, we are often running away from a fear of failure or a fear of criticism. Eric Wright
Questions to answer
How do you respond to various stressful situations? Fight, flee, or freeze?
 Paul tells us to ‘bring out the best in others in a conversation.’ How do we do this?
Do others make you angry, sad, frustrated?
Further reading
 
 
 
Barry Pearman

Episode 12 Are you Strong Enough to be my … Friend

If you knew me would you still love me? We all need others who will be strong enough to handle what comes from the inner world of each other.
When they had opened up, they looked at me and wondered if I would reject them. So many others had.
I have a face I cannot showI make the rules up as I goJust try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man
When I’ve shown youThat I just don’t careWhen I’m throwing punches in the airWhen I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Would you be man enough to be my manSheryl Crow – Are you strong enough to be my man
 
I like Sheryl Crow’s lyrics.
I know the person she is writing about. I have met them many times.
All with different faces and varying stories, but underneath the macho or the makeup there is an inner world of struggle and outer behavior of ‘throwing punches in the air’.
They want to be known, explored, discovered and touched but is there anyone strong enough to be able to do this with them.
They want their failing movements into their world acknowledged and affirmed but that requires honesty and openness.
They have beauty, too easily self dismissed, and they long to be embraced and cherished.
Are you strong enough?
Being strong enough is to admit our weakness. That we don’t have all the answers and that we are also stumbling in the dark.
It’s not so much ‘the blind leading the blind and both falling into a pit’ Matthew 15:14 it’s more ‘I’ve got my dirty glasses on so perhaps I can walk beside you and we can find a path’.
Are you strong enough to own the weakness in yourself? That you don’t have it all together.
The vision beyond the moment
It can look very dark and ugly when people get real about their inner struggles. Their darkness can creep over you like an all-engulfing shadow that wants to swallow you up.
I’ve listened to those places. I’ve seen the black hole of despair and felt the pull.
You want to run because you don’t know what to do.
You always want to be able to do something, but it’s in the act of doing seemingly nothing, of just being there, that you are offering the most precious gift – your presence.
You hold a flickering candle of hope for them. It’s a compelling vision that things can be different.
That one has to pass through the night before the first beams of a sunrise can caress the face. That with the right direction another step forward can be taken.
This vision is not something grand and over the top. It’s more that things can get better a little bit at a time. It’s achievable.
The power of consistency
People who are ‘strong enough’ say something like this.
‘I don’t have a perfectly clear plan of what is required to help, but I’m going to be consistent in turning up.  I will be there.’
It’s being honest about how much can be offered and then following through.
People who might ‘make the rules up as they go’ need those who have a solidness to them. It’s a consistency they might rail against but it's this relationship a mutual respect may develop.
Man enough to be my man
What does it mean to be ‘Man enough’?
The Hebrew word for Male is ‘Zakar’ (Zac ab) and means to be one that remembers, recalls, calls to mind. It’s one who remembers then moves into the chaos of the world facing them.
Being ‘Man enough’ is to remember truth and goodness, then moving with grace, purpose and presence into the world of those who are ‘broken down and can’t stand’.
You don’t have to be macho to be a man.
Can you do this?
Are you one that is strong enough to help another pilgrim with a heavy load?
I believe you can.
Love deeply. Care wisely.
Quotes to consider
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You
Compassion means entering the suffering of another in order to lead the way out.  Rosaria Champagne Butterfield
Talk’s easy, work’s hard. Consistent trustworthy behavior over time equals trust. Notice the word consistent is emphasized. Consistency is the key to the process. Stefanie Carnes Mending A Shattered Heart
Love acts like a giant magnet that pulls out of us, like iron filings, every recorded injury, every scar. Terrence Real
It takes immense courage to walk in solidarity with the suffering of others, and even our own. Richard Rohr Eager to Love
Questions to answer
What strength do you fall back on when faced with someone in struggle?
What’s it like to not have all the answers?
What have been the qualities you have seen in those who have been ‘strong enough’ for you?
Further reading
Boundaries of the Heart are Lines of Love and Respect
Six Keys on How to Pray for the Healing of a Mental Illness
Barry Pearman
Photo by Arvydas Venckus on Unsplash