Turning the Page

A Tribute to a Friend – Dr. Larry Crabb

It was a time to pivot, change, alter course. Dr. Larry Crabb met me at the junction. Larry went to be with his Papa, Jesus, and Spirit on Sunday, February 28, 2021.
There are times I believe that God brings people across our path that have a long-lasting impact on our journey.
I had just begun my pastoral ministry in 1998. I had the role of being a Community Chaplain in a large church where my focus was to provide pastoral care for those in our local area that had significant Mental Illnesses and disabilities.
I was to develop a church community where people could come and feel at home. Teaching, pastoral care, and support that was specifically focused on the needs of this community.
Prior to this, I had been a support worker helping people with serious Mental Illnesses with their daily lives.
Over and over again, I would see them try to be part of Church communities only to see them not truly connect.
Some church people would rescue them, preach at them, moralize them, and tell them to ‘try harder.’
In the end, Churches and the people in them weren’t safe.
I was then handed a book by a former student of Dr. Larry Crabb. The book was Connecting. Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships. 
In this book, Larry also talks about a pivot in this thinking. A subtle shift away from psychology to what he would later call Soul Care.
In recent days, I have made a shift. I am now working toward the day when communities of God’s people, ordinary Christians whose lives regularly intersect, will accomplish most of the good that we now depend on mental health professionals to provide. And they will do it by connecting with each other in ways that only the gospel makes possible.
I envision a community of people who intentionally mingle in settings where these nutrients are passed back and forth, where I pour into you the healing resources within me and you pour into me what God has put in you.
But that’s not what I’m doing. I have strong reason to suspect that Christians sitting dutifully in church congregations, for whom “going to church” means doing a variety of spiritual activities, have been given resources that if released could powerfully heal broken hearts, overcome the damage done by abusive backgrounds, encourage the depressed to courageously move forward, stimulate the lonely to reach out, revitalize discouraged teens and children with new and holy energy, and introduce hope into the lives of the countless people who feel rejected, alone, and useless.
Maybe “going to church,” more than anything else, means relating to several people in your life differently. Maybe the center of Christian community is connecting with a few.
Beneath what our culture calls psychological disorder is a soul crying out for what only community can provide. There is no “disorder” requiring “treatment.” And, contrary to hard-line moralism, there is more to our struggles than a stubborn will needing firm admonishment. Beneath all our problems, there are desperately hurting souls that must find the nourishment only community can provide—or die.
We must do something other than train professional experts to fix damaged psyches. Damaged psyches aren’t the problem.
The problem beneath our struggles is a disconnected soul. And we must do something more than exhort people to do what’s right and then hold them accountable. Groups tend to emphasize accountability when they don’t know how to relate. Better behavior through exhortation isn’t the solution, though it sometimes is part of it. Rather than fixing psyches or scolding sinners, we must provide nourishment for the disconnected soul that only a community of connected people can offer.
The crisis of care in modern culture, especially in the Western church, will not be resolved by training more therapists.
We do not need a counseling center on every corner.
It will be worsened by moralists who never reach deeply into the hearts of people in their efforts to impose their standards of behavior on others, even when those standards are biblical.
The greatest need in modern civilization is the development of communities— true communities where the heart of God is home, where the humble and wise learn to shepherd those on the path behind them, where trusting strugglers lock arms with others as together they journey on. Dr. Larry Crabb. Connecting. Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships.
I was hooked.
He had connected with the thoughts and ideas swirling around in my thinking.
From there, I read everything I could lay my hands on. He was my mentor. I traveled from here in New Zealand to Colorado Springs twice to sit under his teaching.
I don’t believe anyone else has influenced me so greatly in my spiritual formation as Larry.
The picture that captures us
Recently there has been a huge outpouring of love and memories on the Larry Crabb Appreciation club. Images shared, and stories told.
One image speaks so much.
Larry Crabb by Janet Trenda‘A sweet memory from my time at SSD [School of Spiritual Direction]- catching Larry early in the morning handwriting, rewriting- his notes for the day. His passion and dedication are clearly shown here’. Janet Trenda
A special memory for me was when I attended the School of Spiritual Direction in 2004 at Glen Eyrie, Colorado Springs.
I had a very special one-to-one session with Larry. I went into this lovely lounge where Larry took off his shoes, put his feet up on the coffee table, and we had a chat.
Then the thunder rolled. In those Rocky mountains, the thunderclaps were incredible. I have never heard thunder like it.
I don’t remember much of what was said, but I do remember the atmosphere Larry brought to our time. Relaxed, friendly, gently inquisitive, unforced, shoes off, and love.
Quotes
Over the years, I have collected many quotes from the writings of Larry Crabb. Many of which have been sp[rinkled through the blog posts.
Here are but a few.
Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb
God has solutions for people who admit they have problems. Larry Crabb
Our primary purpose is not to use God to solve our problems, but to move through our problems toward finding God. Larry Crabb
A marriage bound together by commitments to exploit the other for filling one’s own needs (and I fear that most marriages are built on such a basis) can legitimately be described as a “tic on a dog” relationship.Just as a hungry tic clamps on to a nourishing host in anticipation of a meal, so each partner unites with the other in the expectation of finding what his or her personal nature demands.The rather frustrating dilemma, of course, is that in such a marriage there are two tics and no dog!Larry Crabb, The Marriage Builder
Spiritual friends see a facet of Christ in us and bring it out as no one else can. And they delight to do so. When they see what is unique about us, it causes them great delight; and then, giving away to the powers of daring imagination, they envision what we could become. The vision excites them – with Paul, they see us where we are and feel the pains of labor till Christ is formed in us (Gal. 4:19). Larry Crabb. The Safest Place on Earth
Brokenness is a condition, one that is always there, inside, beneath the surface, carefully hidden for as long as we can keep a facade in place. We live in brokenness. We just don’t always see it, either in ourselves or in others. Larry Crabb
A central task of community is to create a place that is safe enough for the walls to be torn down, safe enough for each of us to own, and reveal our brokenness. Larry Crabb
Supernatural goals need supernatural resources. Dr. Larry Crabb
Larry Crabb Appreciation Club
As an administrator of the Appreciation Club on Facebook, I recently asked the members for their favorite quotes and sentences.
Here are a few of them.
Where is your red dot?
“Confused people listen better.”
May we learn to dance with the Trinity!
“Put Jesus on display.”
Make a Margin for Uncertainty: Open Heart: Women are created to be relationally open and inviting!
“Hush God is in it” by his late grandfather.
“We have all been sinned against. We all sin. You have failed to love me as you should, and I have failed to love you. Your failure to love me is painful, sometimes profoundly disappointing. But the Lord‘s love for me is perfect. Although his love does not remove the sting of your failure, it gives me all I need to stand as a whole person, capable of loving you regardless of the threat of your further failure.” From Inside Out. 
Too many marriages are like two ticks and no dog. 
God meets you where you really are – not where you think you should be.
 Words that open doors transmit two messages: 1.‘I am interested in whatever you have to say.’ 2.’I will accept you regardless of what you say.’” Larry Crabb
The greatest lie believed today is that one can know God without being known by someone else. Larry Crabb Soul Talk
The compelling vision is . . . maybe, because of our conversations, we can want God more than we want any lesser blessing. Larry Crabb 
“Demand nothing here. Expect everything there. Surrender all rights to justice, to loving treatment from others to fulfilling ministry, to all the good things of this life, and you will be given tastes of the good things to come. That is how you taste the Lord and discover that He is good. It is those tastes that fill you with sustaining hope until you’re welcomed to the banquet.” 
“Embrace your Inadequacy.”
“Your pain is the distance between what you were created to have, Eden, and what you have now. Our hearts groan in anticipation of what lies ahead, our true home, heaven.”
Larger Story
As part of planning to continue his legacy of teaching, a few years ago, Larry’s son Kep established a new ministry called Larger Story.
Larger Story will serve as the legacy of the thinking and writing and training and counseling I’ve been doing now for 50 years. Larry Crabb
At Larger Story, they have amassed the many books, countless sermons and talks, and numerous videos Larry has done.
Find out more about Larger Story here. 
Hot coffee and Elvis
A few final thoughts.
Larry liked his coffee hot!
He also enjoyed Elvis and slow dancing with his students while singing ‘Are you lonesome tonight.’
The final sentence in his last book ‘Waiting for Heaven‘ was this.
Over time, anticipate becoming aware of actually meeting Jesus, face to face, and allow the “sheer delight” to move you toward WAITING FOR HEAVEN.
Thank you, Larry. Enjoy the sheer delight of being with Jesus face to face.
Barry Pearman
 
Get a weekly email full of help for your Mental Health and Spiritual formation
* indicates required
Email Address *
First Name *
Last Name *
 

The Healing Nest of Kindness and Compassion

I need a nest that I can call home. Actually, digging down a little further, I need a grouping of relationships that know me, love me, and have compassion and kindness when I get things wrong.
The other day I was pruning a vine and there high above my head was a nest. It had long been vacated. I’m not sure what type of bird built this elaborate structure to raise its young, but as I looked closer, there was an intricate architecture to the design.
Twigs, grasses, moss, lichen all gathered and foraged from around the garden and woven into a home.
Here are some pictures of the nest.
  
With the ancient wisdom that had somehow been passed on from bird to bird, there was divine craftsmanship taking place here.  Every little fiber had been laid down for one purpose – to nurture the growth of the fragile.
Our Nest
We all have a nest around us. We may not realize it, but there are people all around us that provide some twig of support. It could be the professionals such as Doctors, nurses, therapists, etc., but most likely, the ones who provide the greatest influence are those that we come into contact with the most—our family, friends, workmates.
It’s a nest, a community. Oh, and yes, we are part of others’ support structures, their nest. It’s the ‘and next to them’ feature we see coming through from the rebuild of a broken wall in the story of Nehemiah.
I remember a counselor once contacting me about one of his clients that needed a nest. It wasn’t a physical nest but more a social-relational type of nest.
His client needed different people with different skills, wisdom, and life experiences to help his client to heal.
He had already assembled people such as a doctor, psychiatrist, and other mental health professionals. Still, he felt his client also needed a pastor and church community that understood the complexities of mental illness and recovery—real people living real lives.
So, over time, other people were added.
People with similar interests and hobbies. Some had backgrounds related to Mental Health, but many did not.
Some would go out for a coffee and have fun with them.
There was a kind of divine creativity going on to the building of their nest.
What surprised them was that they had something to contribute to the nest of others. From their lived wisdom, they were able to add strength to the growth of others.
A Road, a Ditch, an Inn
Jesus once told the story of a man that the brutality of robbers had dehumanized. They saw him only for what he had, not for who he was.
“There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers. They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead. Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man.
“A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man’s condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I’ll pay you on my way back.’
“What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?”
“The one who treated him kindly,” the religion scholar responded.
Jesus said, “Go and do the same.” Luke 10:25-37
There are many observations we could take from this wonderful parable. You can read more by reading an essay I wrote many years ago called ‘The Dehumanising Effects of Sexual Abuse.’ 
Nest principles
 1.There are some you don’t want in your nest. 
In the story, we see the Priest and Levite walking past.
Avoiding, not wanting to touch, and come close. For them, it was all about following the rules, the codes of moral and religious conduct. It was to be seen as holy and pure, but not to touch and know.
Religion can kill compassion. It can encourage a ‘holier than thou’ contempt with no desire to get down into the dirt of others’ pain. There is a focus on Justice (he/ she shouldn’t have done ….) rather than on Mercy and Grace.
We probably all have people we know that are like that.
 2. There are some with ‘Lived truth.’
Here comes a Samaritan. Someone who in Jesus’ time definitely was on the outside of the Jewish society’s moral and religious purity. Samaritans were shunned and rejected.
This parable samaritan would have known exactly how it felt cast into a racial and religious prejudice ditch of existence.
But for the Samaritan, there were no rules, no boundaries, and no cultural taboos that inhibited him from helping.
In his own ditch, he would have learned lived truth.
I was once told this quote by someone who had been thrown in the ditch many times.
Our great problem is trafficking in unlived truth. We try to communicate what we’ve never experienced in our own life. Dwight L. Moody
Sadly, much of my spiritual journey has been influenced by people full of unlived truth. The really good stuff comes from when you get into the ditch’s dirt and listen to the stories. If you want to understand coal, go work at the coal face.
3. It’s about heart, compassion, and kindness. 
I have received compassion and kindness, and it’s sweet good news on a tired and battered soul.
Where we read that the Samaritans ‘heart went out to him’ we see that Jesus was using the Greek word ‘splanchnizomai.’
It comes from the Greek word (splanchna), for entrails, the vital inner organs of a person—the stomach, heart, lungs, spleen, liver, and kidneys.
It means to say that he had a feeling deep in his gut, the deepest of all human emotions.
I want the strands of my nest to be made up of people who have compassion and kindness. Not avoidance and judgment.
4. Innkeepers
I’m glad that Jesus added someone else to the parable. Someone other than the singularity of the samaritan. We need others who have compassionate skills and resources to offer in the structure of the nest.
We know very little about the Inn or the Innkeeper other than he was another strand in the healing nest of this broken man.
All of us can be ‘Innkeepers.’ We add various aspects of lived truth to each other.
Your Nest, Your Home
Who is in your social grouping nest? Are there people that have a heart of love and compassion for you?
All those thousands of strands of twigs, moss, and leaves all contribute something in their own unique way.
Make a list of people. Try and get to at least a hundred names.
Then give thanks for them. Honour probably the unseen and unknown contribution they make to the nest you have.
Look for the gifts they offer, the strength, love, and compassion.
Then give that back to them and others.
We all need each other, and every little bit of heartfelt love, compassion, and kindness is restorative.
 
Quotes to consider
A spiritual leader who lacks basic human compassion has almost no power to change other people, because people intuitively know he or she does not represent the Divine or Big Truth. Such leaders have to rely upon role, laws, and enforcement powers to effect any change in others. Such change does not go deep, nor does it last. Richard Rohr
No one person can fulfill all your needs. But the community can truly hold you. The community can let you experience the fact that, beyond your anguish, there are human hands that hold you and show you God’s faithful love. Henri Nouwen inner voice of love
The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer
A refuge is anything that protects, nurtures, or uplifts you. Life can be hard, and everyone has difficult, uncomfortable experiences. We all need refuges. What are your own? Rick Hanson
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ”What! You too? I thought I was the only one. C.S. Lewis
Questions to answer
Who makes up the strands of your nest?
You are a strand in someone else’s nest. What kindness can you offer them today?
Picture yourself as the Innkeeper receiving the victim of abuse and crime. What goes through your heart? What emotions get stirred? In the offering of being a strand in this man’s nest, what would you like to give him?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
 
Share
Tweet
Share
Pin
More
0SHARES
CATEGORIESGETTING WELL STAYING WELL, HELPING OTHERSTAGSEMPOWERMENT, HOPE, RECOVERY, RHYTHM_OF_CONNECTION, THE MAN IN THE DITCHEdit"The Healing Nest of Kindness and Compassion"Post navigation
Previous PostPREVIOUSThe Gentle Approach to Heart and Mind Change
SEARCH AND YOU SHALL FIND
Search for:SearchABOUT BARRY
UNDERSTANDING MEN: HOW TO LISTEN SO YOU CAN CONNECT
JOIN OUR EMAIL LIST AND GET THIS FREE EBOOK
GET MY WEEKLY BLOG POST EMAILED TO YOU
Subscribe
* indicates required
Email Address *
First Name *
Last Name
MESSAGE ME
Name *
First
Last
Email *
Comment or Message *
Submit
POPULAR READS
Why Men Don’t Talk. 26 Reasons for Silence
I’ve had Enough, Take my Life God, I Want to die
14 Proven Bible Verses to Help Your Mental Health
How to Help Others Solve Problems in 8 Steps
She prayed to God that she wouldn’t wake up in the morning
The Lord is My Constant Companion.
Right Person, Right Place, Right Time and That Time is Now
Why Taking Personal Responsibility is Crucial for your Mental Health
How does Reading the Bible help my Mental Health?
7 Steps to Help Those who Ruminate.
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA
 
Facebook
Like
 
Linkedin
Follow
 
Medium
Follow
 
Periscope
Follow
 
Pinterest
Follow
 
Twitter
Follow
MEET BARRY
Barry is a writer, coach, online pastor, and course creator that has a passion for Mental Health and Spiritual Formation.
Get two free ebooks. One about Depression and one about Spiritual Exercises that will help your Mental Health

The Gentle Approach to Heart and Mind Change

There is a gentle approach to how the heart and mind can change. Instead of the force of a flood, it’s a refreshing rain. Let’s learn to absorb the goodness.
There is something very special to me about a nice soft rain shower in the middle of a dry summer. It soaks in, and the soil receives it as a gift of gentleness.
I have been involved in land-based businesses for many years. Gardening, horticulture, and farming. It’s those sweet, gentle summer rains that bring such refreshment.
Being like a sponge, the soil soaks up every drop. Then the microbes, fungi, bacteria, worms, and all the unseen world beneath our feet are replenished. Seeds germinate, trees flush with newness, and the land feels like it has been gently washed.
But it’s the downpours you have to watch for. Torrents of rain so heavy that they wash off the land, scouring hills, blocking drains, and flooding houses.
Learning and changing can be much like that.
Have you ever done a course of learning where it has been super intensive? That week-long course or maybe over a weekend.
You have had a downpour of information, and you come away exhausted by the amount you have been exposed to.
Your brain is at maximum capacity, and perhaps you wonder how much you actually took in. All those new learning bridges take energy and focus.
Gentle rain on the heart and mind
There is a gentleness on offer to help us in our need.
Slowly read and absorb these words that God speaks about how they provide wisdom for us.
Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak;    let the earth hear the words of my mouth.May my teaching drop like the rain,    my speech condense like the dew;like gentle rain on grass,    like showers on new growth.Deuteronomy 32:1, 2
It’s gentle and kind—washing and cleansing with kindness.
It’s not the volume that matters; instead, it’s the quiet presence of refreshment.
The droplet, not the drowning.
You’re soaking in it
Back in the 1980s here in New Zealand, there was a T.V. advertisement for Palmolive dishwashing liquid. The idea was that as you washed your dishes, the dishwashing liquid was also kind on your hands.
The one-liner from the ad was ‘You’re soaking in it.’
I want to be soaked in God’s kindness and wisdom. To be receptive to the gentleness of Spirit brings me the wisdom my heart and mind are thirsty for.
I want to hear and soak in the unforced rhythms of grace.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest.
Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30
The walk
Can I walk with you? I have some questions about what has happened and need to talk them over.
So we headed off to our little town. Questions opened our hearts to new ways of thinking and believing. All the events of the last few days were puzzling, to say the least.
Then another traveler joined us. He gave us some explanations and asked us questions. It was like fresh encouragement filling our dried-out souls. We had a meal with him and soaked up his kindness and love. It felt like a burning warmth in our hearts. Luke 24:13-35
Why aren’t we there yet?
We are quite a demanding people, aren’t we. We want change, and we want it on our terms.
In our minds, there is a timeline of expectation.
How many times do those providing therapy, spiritual direction, pastoral ministry, etc., hear these words.
‘I’ve been coming to you for so many sessions, and nothing seems to have changed.’ Why aren’t things better!’
Perhaps also you have made the recovery process a job, a work, a demand.
Absorbing the milliliter
Much of the deep work that we so desperately need does not come with a flood. We couldn’t handle it if it did. Instead, it comes as a trickle, a droplet, a milliliter of goodness.
It might be a little word that meditatively speaks to something we are struggling with. That Rhema word – The Right Word at the Right Time
As we mindfully ruminate and ponder on this droplet of goodness, things start to happen in the inner workings of our soul. New connections are made in the brain.
Powerful beliefs that have held us captive start to lose their strength. New avenues open up to us to explore. It’s endlessly mysterious and good.
Reread this passage and imagine yourself
May my teaching drop like the rain,    my speech condense like the dew;like gentle rain on grass,    like showers on new growth.
Video Player
 
 
00:00
 
00:16
 
 
There is a gentle approach to how the heart and mind can change. Instead of the force of a flood, it’s a refreshing rain. Let’s learn to absorb the goodness.
Quotes to consider
The really great truths, like love and inner freedom, are not fully conceptual, and they can never be understood by reason alone. Richard Rohr Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality
Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness. They grow in rest. Mark Buchanan
What profoundly saddens me is that most Christians have settled for beliefs instead of knowing. David Benner
The soul doesn’t develop in a straight line but in stages, like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. Imagine your life as a series of initiations, as you go from one life-changing experience to the next. Thomas Moore. Care of the Soul Twenty-fifth Anniversary Edition: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life
An intent to heal can get in the way of seeing. By doing less, more is accomplished. Thomas Moore. Care of the Soul Twenty-fifth Anniversary Edition: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life
To feel and imagine may not sound like much. But in care of the soul there is trust that nature heals, that much can be accomplished by not-doing. Thomas Moore. Care of the Soul Twenty-fifth Anniversary Edition: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life
Questions to consider
What is it like to be ‘flooded’ with knowledge?
Is there a particular verse or word that speaks to you from the passage? Let it soak in.May my teaching drop like the rain,    my speech condense like the dew;like gentle rain on grass,    like showers on new growth.
Why do we try and force something that God wants us to absorb slowly?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Ed Leszczynskl on Unsplash
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Get a weekly email full of help for your Mental Health and Spiritual formation
* indicates required
Email Address *
First Name *
Last Name *
 
 
 

When You Find Yourself in a Dark Hole, Start Digging

When you’re in a dark hole, it can feel like there is a loss of hope, but you can dig yourself out with some wisdom and encouragement.
It was a hole that I had fallen into. I was in a deep dark hole where the sun didn’t seem to reach.
That is what a mental illness can be like—All-consuming, overwhelming, and a  ‘blocking out’ of the reality of anything possibly being different. The fog bank is all-consuming.
I was in a hole, but I was not alone. Alongside though were bible characters who had also been in a similar place. Elijah, Moses, David, Jonah, Jeremiah, Job, Naomi, Paul, Peter, Judas, to name the ones that we know of that had emotional struggles. Even Jesus struggled with his dark night of anguish and a time when the sun refused to shine.
God handed me a spade and encouraged me to start digging.
The Anonymous Hole Dweller
One of the interesting observations I have made from blogging for many years now is that there are many people that I would call ‘Anonymous Hole Dwellers’. They know they are struggling; they want help but don’t want others to know about it.
It’s a privacy thing.
I’ll solve this on my own, D.I.Y. (Do It Yourself), and there is a fear of what others will think and how they will react.
So they reach out to find help on the internet. They Google search their pain-filled questions, see a page or two here on Turning the Page, spend some reading, and then they are gone.
They remain anonymous – unknown.
I want to give them a spade and encourage them to dig. Perhaps Turning the Page can offer a couple of footholds for their journey up and out.
The spade
To me, a spade represents hard manual labor. I’ve used a spade many times. In fact, I own about six of them. Each of them slightly different and suited for various tasks.
I have dug so many holes and drains that I know the feel of a good spade.
It’s dirty work: sweat, mud, and tired muscles. You cut the turf, push the steel into the soil and wedge the dirt out. Then you do it again and again.
Over time you make progress. You gain a sense of satisfaction at the progress made. It’s tangible and real.
But I don’t know of anybody that gets excited about digging.
It’s much like what this quote says about opportunity.
The reason most people do not recognize an opportunity when they meet it is because it usually goes around wearing overalls and looking like Hard Work. Thomas Edison?
Most people I have found don’t want to wear overalls and pick up the spade and do the work. Some people have become so used to their hole that they have made it their home. Decorating the walls with internalized victim stories, they live in an echo chamber of past events. Critical voices keep them from looking up.
When God hands you a spade
Let’s go back to that dark hole.
You are at the base of a deep dark hole, and the only way out is up.
So a spade is in your hand. You grasp that spade, and you start to chip and dig away at the walls of the hole.
After a little while, you have dug out a small hole big enough to put your foot in.
Then you dig another hole in the wall for your hand to grasp on to. You do this over and over again until you have dug a ladder, as such, out of the hole.
You climb a little, and you dig a little. Dirt is filling in the hole under you. You are sensing the light above filling your senses. Hope is beginning to rise in you.
You dig a millimeter more. You slip now and then, but because it’s your hole and it’s you that is doing the digging, you progress on.
With every successful notch made and elevation gained, something is changing in your brain. The electrical pathways are becoming more positive.
The way you used to think becomes a distant memory.
There is a new you that is emerging. Stronger, deeper, and more centered.
There is a resilience to your nature so that when the winds and storms of life blow, you don’t buckle. You bend and move with the flow.
It’s a millimeter foothold.
I like to think of recovery as millimeter ministry. It’s small enough to make it feasible and highly achievable.
What are some millimeters?
reading your thinking compass every day
taking medication (if prescribed) every day
doing something nice for you every day
going to bed at a regular time every day
meditating on some Bible verses every day
getting pragmatic about some of the pressures bearing down on you everyday
problem-solving rather than problem dwelling everyday
exercising a little every day
nurturing the beautiful and meaningful in you every day
It’s an ‘every day’ rhythm of digging a little bit each day. Habits, patterns, and practices changing your life.
I will cheer on your digging
I’m not going to rescue you from your hole, but I want to cheer on the progress and offer suggestions.
I have noticed that rescuers and quick-fix merchants often have a need in themselves that they want to fulfill. Instead, I will encourage the millimeter that turns into a centimeter.
I have a hole of my own, which is my responsibility. You can cheer me on and fuel my heart with whispers of courage.
Let’s dig together
In my book ‘Broken to built,’ I reflect on how Jerusalem’s wall was rebuilt after devastating destruction with an ‘And next to them’ attitude.
It’s an awareness of others next to us in our rebuilding and digging.
It’s hard, dirty, and often thankless work. But there is a beauty and wonder at the progress made when the dig is focused and alive.
When you’re in a dark hole, it can feel like there is a loss of hope, but you can dig yourself out with some wisdom and encouragement.
Quotes to consider
Only a secure person can empower others. Those who have to remain in control can never let go long enough to allow others to make mistakes and learn from them. David Riddell
Nothing digs ditches like shovel fulls of dirt.  Rick Hanson
Metanoeite, or change of consciousness, can only come with time. Patience is the very shape of love. Without it, religion is merely about enforcing laws and requirements. Richard Rohr
Every ‘rescuer’ needs to know that sometimes people will need to feel worse before they can feel better. D. Riddell  
Questions to answer
What does your hole look like?
What is a millimeter foothold that you can dig today?
Why do some people like to decorate their holes and make them their homes?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Mari Potter on Unsplash
 
 
Get a weekly email full of help for your Mental Health and Spiritual formation
* indicates required
Email Address *
First Name *
Last Name *
 
 
 

You’re so angry and it’s going to help you

Why you get so angry can give a clear direction about who you truly are. It’s a matter of the heart. Your anger can indicate what you hold most dear.
As they became more whole, the anger started to simmer, then boil, and then it flowed over the containment of their life. It was, in a frightening way, beautiful and needed to happen.
Anger can be highly destructive. But flowing out without constraint can damage and burn. We all have this capacity to pour out our emotions of being hurt, mistreated, abused.
Some of the deepest hurts come from those we are in the closest relationship to. Those who we would hope and expect to know our hearts are often the ones who will not listen and show love and respect to our tender places.
I think of the patterns we set up so young to defend that tender heart. A little bruise, and a little slight, and we begin to build a fortress.
‘No one is ever going to hurt me again like that.’ 
And if that tender small inner child ever gets a poke or a prod, then out comes the angry army.
I get angry. I get hurt. But I don’t want my anger to overflow and burn up the relationships I hold dear.
Yes, those close to me may trigger an unbearable feeling, and I want to lash out in response, but I, as an adult, have to take responsibility for myself. My response is my responsibility.
What is it under the fury and fire of your anger that is causing you to explode?
Perhaps if we look at gender differences, we might find a clue.
An angry man
The chief fear of a man is that he is weightless, that there is nothing substantial or powerful about him.
That he is not going to make much difference in his world, in his relationships, particularly with women, with the children he has, and with his friends.
The lies he says to himself are ‘I’m useless,’ ‘I never do anything right,’ ‘Everything I do, I fail in.’
Every angry man I have talked with has a common theme—a loss of respect.
They want it from those they care about, but when it is not given, they demand, cajole, and try harder to win approval.
They want someone to see and acknowledge their purpose even though they may dismiss it themselves.
The question to ask is, ‘How has their purpose been dismissed’?
Read more about men here.
An angry woman
The chief fear of a woman is undesirability. At the core of a women’s being, they ask – ‘Is there anything desirable about me.
If a man really saw me, would he want me? Would he find me desirable, not just as a sex partner, but would he find me desirable at all.’
The lies they say to themselves are ‘I am ugly, both externally and internally,’ ‘No one loves me,’ ‘I have no beauty.’
Every angry woman I have talked with has a common theme—a loss of love.
They want to have it from those they care about, but when it is not given, they demand, cajole, and try harder to win love.
They want someone to see and acknowledge their inner beauty even though they may dismiss it themselves.
The question to ask is, ‘How has their beauty been tarnished’?
Read more here Men and Women are different.
Embracing the heart
What is it about the heart, that seat of the emotions, which is crucial to our wellbeing?
We sing about it, draw ‘heart-shaped’ images, give flowers, and so desire for it to be touched in delicate meaningful ways.
I wonder what your heart is like? What shaped its tenderness or toughness? What is it like for your heart to be known, explored, discovered, and touched?
Perhaps the fire of anger could be the signal that something of that little child within wants attention. As you explore yourself, an awareness of injustice is growing and needs to be acknowledged and heard.
You begin to see that the heart could have been treated with love and respect, but it wasn’t. The injustice of it all is like kindling to a fire waiting for a spark.
What would it be like to have your heart listened to without judgment?
With no parent figure dismissing your feelings or telling you to ‘Shut up.’
Then one comes, and a gift of empathy is offered. Wisdom is shared about how we live in an unjust and unfair world, but we have a God of justice, mercy, and grace.
Oh, for a friend that will listen and sit with the heart of a hurting man or woman, girl or boy.
The mystery of heart change
It’s quite a mystery to me about how the heart changes. Mystical in the sense that it seems that there is a disorderly order to this dance. A little bit of this and a little bit of that, and things begin to move.
It’s poetry, not formulas and facts.
Larry Crabb writes this.
In Successful Psychotherapy: A Caring, Loving Relationship, psychologists C.H. Patterson and Hidore admit that psychotherapy is in chaos. Their solution is worth a second look.
Profession helping efforts, they suggest, should abandon identifying specific diagnosable disorders and coming up with specific technical treatment plans.
They should instead focus on one simple yet profound idea – that the essence of all successful psychotherapy is love.
Larry Crabb Becoming a True Spiritual Community: A Profound Vision of What the Church Can Be
When we are angry, we need love. A kind of love that has learned to listen for the pain under the fury.
Becoming whole through anger
I don’t like anger, I especially don’t like people being angry with me, but every emotion has an invite.
What pushes your buttons and why?
There is something at the core of your being that is wildly good and beautiful.
It has a purpose and a power to change our world. Yet, most of us are hardly aware of it. It is like a small seed, a mustard seed, that is waiting to germinate and grow.
We get angry when it is threatened, mistreated, overlooked, despised.
When love comes to town, it waters that seed and stimulates the growth. I’ve seen it happen in many people. A little encouragement, an affirmation, some praise, and that beautiful heart starts to sing a new song.
It’s that tender shoot that a few brutal words can so easily cut down.
Growing out of the bruises
1. You become aware of your unique self.As you look at your heart, what do you hold valuable and precious? What is it about you that is delightfully different from others?
A clue might be found in where you get triggered. What is significantly and uniquely special about you?
There is ‘no one youer than you,’ as Dr. Seuss would say.
2. You draw a line around you.It’s a line of love and respect. Some people call this a boundary, but in a deeper way, it’s a line where you define who you are and who you are not.
This is me. I have these values and beliefs.
3. You protect.
Some people don’t show any love or respect for your ‘Youer than you’ self. They can be like a bull in a china shop. Wrecking and destroying with every mindless swish of a tail. Not noticing your beauty and purpose. Not caring.
So you protect.
You don’t let any old person into that precious place of dreams and hopes.
You assess their safety. Are they safe to have in your land of beauty and passion?
Intimacy (In-to-me-see) is a gift, not a right.
The power to protect is your hands. You only let those in that have demonstrated a safe pair of hands.
Your anger is the symptom of a violation of the line. So then you wonder ‘where has your heart been violated’?
4. You nurture and heal
That angry place, that sore bruise or wound, deserves special loving attention.
You are kind to yourself. As a wise and loving parent, you speak words of compassion and love to that small child that is hurt.
As someone who knows you better than anyone else, you speak what needs to be said.
5. You learn from the bruises
How have the bumper car experiences of life shaped your direction?
Perhaps it’s time to take the steering wheel yourself and drive your own life.
One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is to gently explore the ‘Youer than You’ nature of each other.
When you or your friend gets angry, it’s an invite to help define what is inside the lines of love and respect.
Summary
Your anger can indicate what you hold most dear. Why you get so angry can give a clear direction about who you truly are. It’s a matter of the heart.
Quotes to consider
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. Dr. Seuss
I have learned to use my anger for good. . . . Without it, we would not be motivated to rise to a challenge. It is an energy that compels us to define what is just and unjust. Gandhi
Believe it or not, no-one can actually make you angry. You choose your own reaction so quickly it’s hard to believe you did it by yourself. D. Riddell
Questions to consider
If you were to draw a picture of yourself, what words and sentences would you write inside yourself?
When you last got angry, what in your heart got triggered?
What would it be like to be known, explored, discovered, and touched?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Mehrnegar Dolatmand on Unsplash

Can anything good come from this?

Can anything good come out of that time, place, or person? Only if we take a risk and explore. We are invited to ‘come and see.’ 
I was raised on a farm near a small town called Wellsford. In fact, my ancestors settled there in the 1860s, migrating from England. Through this town and the middle of our farm, a very busy road ran, taking traffic to one of the poorer areas of New Zealand, Northland.
It was also the route to some of the most beautiful beaches and summer holiday spots we have.
My little town was a place you mostly went through or stopped off for refreshments (amusingly, that’s how it’s still referred to on tourism websites).
It was also a place where many decided to leave. If you wanted to advance and get a better education or work, then you had to leave.
It’s like many towns. Functional, average, and a place to say you’ve been through but didn’t stay.
Some places have a reputation. Some people have a reputation, and unless you truly get to know them, the reputation stays undisputed.
You’ve heard all the news stories, the biased opinions, and you wonder if anything good can come from this town, this person, this experience.
Maybe you’re the one with the ‘reputation,’ and others have made a judgment about you that nothing good can come from you.
Perhaps you have made that judgment yourself. Maybe it’s something that has happened to you, and you believe that nothing good will come out of it.
Can anything good come out of Nazareth?
Think of one of the smallest towns you know. One that is way off the main road.
People may know about it but have never been there. And in never knowing more than the name, it remains unknown.
The little hamlet of Nazareth doesn’t even make a mention in the Old Testament. Nothing until we find Joseph and Mary returning to their home in Nazareth.
That is the town where Jesus was raised. Home town to a few families eking out a living including carpenter Joesph, wife Mary, and ‘chip off the old block’ Jesus.
Talk about keeping a low profile. God was living in Hicksville, but maybe that’s the way God likes it.
When Jesus comes on the scene, makes his debut into the world, more than a few were surprised to hear of his background.
Does this Jesus have credibility?
Nathanael was one of them.
Philip found Nathanael and said to him, “We have found him about whom Moses in the law and also the prophets wrote, Jesus son of Joseph from Nazareth.” Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Philip said to him, “Come and see.” John 1:45, 46
Place yourself in the sandals of those in the conversation.
Phillip – passionate and excitedNathanael – dubious and dismissive.
Both in the playground of the discount.
The Discount.
You see them all the time.
The enthusiastic salesperson (Phillip or Phylis) is shouting and celebrating this wonderful offer. You wonder if this could be true.
The invite is to come, see and buy. Exchange something of value – your time and money – for the opportunity to be part of something.
But you wonder, is this credible? Is it really that good? Wasnt it made in Nazareth?
You dis-count it. You take some of the value off it.
It can’t be that good. But it’s only until you ‘come and see’ and experience it yourself that you make the connection.
We so often discount what needs to be ‘marked-up.’
There is a beautiful gem, a treasure, but it’s been devalued by those who don’t have eyes to see.
So you’re from Nazareth.
All of us have a Nazareth. It is a place, a time, a narrative that we can so easily dismiss and consider nothing good coming out of it.
It could be the town we were raised in. Maybe the parents or lack of.
In your life, that story is where you say to yourself and others, ‘Nothing good came from that.’
Some of the worst Nazareth stories are those where one discounts one’s self. Self-loathing, a diminishing of one’s own abilities, qualities, story.
Come and see
Nathanael discounted Phillip’s exuberance and testimony. There was only one way to deal with the cynic and that was the invitation to come and see.
Often I find myself wanting to ‘come and see’ the one that is discounted. The one that others dismiss. The story that seemingly has no value. Perhaps there I can find a hidden treasure or a beautiful pearl.
When I dig a little deeper into this person’s finer nuances, I see someone who has a beauty and a purpose that can only come from a place like Nazareth.
A backwater and a desert where water and wind have crafted shape into their soul. They will dismiss it, but anyone with eyes to see will notice it immediately.
Something divinely good here that is worthy of exploration and embracing.
Something beautiful
Many years ago, I used to sing this song.
Something beautiful, something goodAll my confusion He understoodAll I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife.But he made something beautiful of my life.
Can anything good come out of your confusion, your strife, and your brokenness?
I believe so.
It happens when we link arms with a fellow outsider from a small unknown town called Nazareth.
Can anything good come out of … (name your story)?
Can anything good come out of that time, place, or person? Only if we take a risk and explore. We are invited to ‘come and see.’
Quotes to consider
Real self-esteem comes from within; it is the existential, spiritual truth that we have value and worth intrinsically, because we are here and breathing, not because of anything we have or can do, nor how others regard us. Terrence Real
Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into “better than” grandiosity nor “less than” shame.  Terrence Real, How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women
The self we create is a persona—a mixture of the truth of our being and the fictions we spin as we attempt to create a self in the image of an inner fantasy. David Benner 
The self that begins the spiritual journey is the self of our own creation, the self we thought ourselves to be. This is the self that dies on the journey. The self that arrives is the self that was loved into existence by Divine Love. David Benner
Shame causes us to see our identity as flawed rather than seeing ourselves as having flaws. Dan Allender
Questions to answer
Where have you written yourself off or discounted yourself?
What would it have been like to be in Jesus’ sandals and to feel discounted because he came from Nazareth?
What is the true cost of discounting in value what God wants us to ‘mark up’?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Alberto Bigoni on Unsplash

When You Have to Handle Criticism

Criticism can hurt, bruise and extinguish our hearts, but learning how to handle criticism can build new strength and resilience.
I could see the hope drain out of him as I watched both the subtle and not so subtle criticisms land upon him.
I was in a meeting with a guy I was supporting, and we were problem-solving.
Every solution he suggested was shot down. It was one little cat scratch after another. He would say a few words, and the critic would speak five hundred back.
The poor guy, I thought. I wondered what it was like when he was alone with this woman. No wonder he was depressed, anxious, and stuck.
Criticism can strangle a heart till it gives up and doesn’t try anymore. The words of a critic start to be believed as a truth in your own being. Your inner critic starts negating you. You’re on a downward spiral.
And look, some people don’t know how to give encouragement and praise. They think if they do give praise and encouragement, it might go to your head. So in a warped kind of way, they think they are doing you a service.
‘Can’t have you getting a big head,’ they say.
Criticism is a matter of the heart.
When someone is routinely criticized, it slowly becomes a matter of the heart—the seat of the emotions.
Courage is slowly sapped out of the heart, and despair begins to grow.
In the word ‘courage,’ we find the Latin word cor, which literally means “heart.” To have courage means to have heart.
Criticism sucks the life out of the heart.
What is your heart like when you have been criticized?
Does it in someway feel bruised and battered, like it has been in a fight with a schoolyard bully.
Maybe it feels exhausted like a blown-out candle. All that is left is a faint glow and some wispy smoke.
The Offer of gentleness
There is a beautiful passage of ancient scripture in the book of Isaiah that prophetically talks about what Jesus is like.
A bruised reed he will not break,    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; Isaiah 42:3
Imagine you see a swamp full of reeds.
A wild storm, full of energy, has come through, and because they are tall and vulnerable, they have been bruised and battered in the strong winds.
They are now struggling to get themselves back to full glory and purpose.
Christ comes to the stand of reeds, and there is such a gentleness to his approach that as he walks through them, he doesn’t break a single one.
Instead, the very presence of being with them in their bruised state helps them recover. ‘You will recover, I am with you; let’s do this together.’
The second imagery is that of a smoldering wick.
A candle that was once glowing bright with light and purpose has been blown out by the energetic buffeting winds of criticism.
There is nothing left but the wisps of faint small ash floating away.
There might still be a slight small glow, hunting for oxygen to reignite, but nothing comes.
The Christ won’t come and stub it out. Jesus won’t wet his fingers and squash the life out of the struggle. Instead, with a gentleness of breath, he breathes on the embers and causes them to reignite.
With Christ, there is an assurance of both presence and justice.
Christ, who knows all and sees all, can bring truth to the whole of the struggle.
God is not a god who will add to your pain.
So often, many people feel that in their deepest pain that God is also judging them. That, along with the battering from the storms of life that God is also harshly judging them and raining down punishment.
God never adds criticism to our earthly load.
I can be assured that my heart, which has been bruised and blown out, that God won’t add to the pain.
How to Handle Criticism
So how do we handle criticism?
Firstly, in the best sense of the word ‘critique,’ there is value in having something analyzed and assessed. We can learn valuable lessons when someone is willing to give good and helpful feedback.
The problem comes when the energy changes from being helpful to being harsh and abusive. It’s an energy and power dynamic that is happening.
So here are some suggestions on how to handle criticism.
Here is an example that we can use.
The criticism is that your husband raises his voice and criticises the way you ‘always leave the kitchen a mess.’  He raises this and other issues around household tidiness all the time. He does very little to keep things sorted around the house himself but is always quick to target you.
So here are some pointers on how to handle criticism.
 1. Is there something you can learn and grow from in this?Use this as a learning opportunity. Perhaps there is something you could do better. All of us can learn new things.
2. Consider that their criticism may be saying more about them than it does about you.
What does his continuous stream of criticism say about him? Does he know how to give nonabusive feedback? What was modeled to him about praise and encouragement? Is he stressed out from work or other pressures?
This doesn’t mean his abuse is ok or acceptable, but it might explain it. Perhaps he was the victim of harsh criticism, and this is all he knows.
So don’t take it so personally. It might not be about you at all.
3. Notice the feelings being generated in you and take note of the energy coming from them.
What feelings bubble up in you? Does something get triggered? What are the old thought pathways that you always take when situations like this happen?’
I’m so useless. Can’t get anything right …’
4. BreatheTake a few deep gentle breaths and center yourself back in the now. Notice the thoughts and feelings and see them for what they are.
They are simply thoughts and feelings that you can choose how to act out of.
5. See the situation for what it is.Don’t attach more to the problem than what there is.
This is a problem with kitchen tidiness—nothing more, nothing less. Don’t attach your personal value to whether the kitchen is tidy or not!
6. Don’t give like for like.An eye for an eye makes both people blind. If you fire back criticism, you will add fuel to the fire, and the problem won’t get resolved.
7. Go pragmaticSee the problem as just that—a problem to be solved. 
Whenever I have been under attack, I like to listen deeply and repeat what I have heard them say.
‘So what I heard you say is that you want me to clean the kitchen better? Did I get that right?’
When you do this, you narrow the problem down to the real problem and away from personalization.
You might like to follow this up with further questions to shift it away from emotional high energy to a logical and constructive place.
‘What does a tidy kitchen look like to you?’‘Can we reorganize the kitchen, so it is easier to keep clean?’‘Can we encourage other members of the family to put away dirty dishes?
It’s that shifting out of the emotional reaction mode into a quiet, rational, and thoughtful problem-solving mode.
It’s changing the energy and power dynamics.
8. Give yourself praise and encouragement.
If you leave it up to others to give you a sense of validation and worth, then it’s going to be a roller coaster ride. Criticism is going to crush.
Instead, give yourself the praise and encouragement you need. Learn the practice of encouraging yourself.
Handling criticism is a practiced skill. You learn it by doing it over and over again. Each time you do it, you gain a little more confidence.
Criticism can hurt, bruise and extinguish our hearts, but learning how to handle criticism can build new strength and resilience.
Are You A Critical Person
Perhaps you’re the one that is always criticizing others.
Some questions for you to consider
Are your expectations realistic?
Have you listened well before handing out a criticism?
What is the emotional energy that is under the criticism?
Where have you learned these criticism behaviors from?
What would it be like to be as the receiver of your criticisms?
Are you able to give encouragement and praise instead of criticism?
Quotes to consider
Praise and encouragement is much more effective in changing others’behaviour than is criticism, but which do you use on yourself? David Riddell
Encouragement breeds encouragement. Be sure to give it to your spouse before looking for some yourself. David Riddell
Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner. Lao Tzu
 He has a right to criticize who has a heart to help. Abraham Lincoln
To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. Elbert Hubbard
Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. Dale Carnegie
He who throws dirt always loses ground. Unknown
Questions to answer
What happens in you when you are criticized?
Why is it easier to criticize than it is to give encouragement and praise?
What does it do in your heart to know that God will not join in on criticizing you?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Apostolos Vamvouras on Unsplash

The One Thing to Remember when the Emotional Pain is too much

Emotional pain can bump our lives into behaviors that can hurt us further. But we can make a change by learning to listen to the pain, where it’s sourced, and what it wants us to do.
He was in pain. I could see it, feel it, and totally understand it. I couldn’t take his emotional pain away, but I did want him to know one thing.
She was also was in pain. In everything she said and did, there was an expression of emotional pain. I wanted her to know this one thing.
The bumps of emotional pain
We all experience emotional pain. Possibly pain has been one of the most contributing factors in the development of your self. You get hurt; you avoid what hurt you. The sharp chisel blows of life in some way have shaped your very being and doing.
I keep thinking of bumper boats careering into you, pushing you this way and that.
Perhaps when people express the words ‘God, I want to die,’ they are really simply wanting the pain to end.
That pain of loneliness, abuse, shame, guilt, loss, rejection, etc.
Those painful feelings become so overwhelming that they block out any light.
The pain becomes such a normative experience that any belief that there is a life without that pain is beyond belief. When you’re in that place, there is no light. You’re surrounded and alone, in a darkness that is pounding against you.
Storm waves of emotional pain keep crashing against the architecture of your brain.
A Vicar is needed
Jesus experienced pain. There was the crucifixion’s physical pain, which is beyond our understanding, but there was also the emotional pain. Something that we can understand.
There was the pain of betrayal, vulnerable naked exposure, abuses, mocking, abandonment, rejection. Name the emotional pain, and Jesus would have experienced it.
One of the most liberating words I have ever discovered is the word ‘Vicarious.’
It simply means to ‘do something or experience something in place of another.’
Vicar Jesus lived a perfect life on your behalf. He got everything right.
Christ has also experienced every imaginable emotional pain that you are going through. He knows what being fully human is fully like.
You have to ask yourself this question. ‘Would you trust a tour guide who hasn’t actually walked the path’?
Jesus has walked the path and got the emotional wounds to prove it.
Meet Your New Vicar
When I am in emotional pain, I want a vicar. Someone who has been there, done that, and without any F.A.S.S. attitudes (Fixing, Advising, Saving, or ‘Setting one straight).
When you are in emotional pain, you want connection.
Alone, I die. Together, we climb.
A vicar will be someone who will help you tease out the pain. What is the pain, and where is it coming from. What are the bumps and knocks causing you to do?
They will also see where your pain takes you. Out of our being flows our doing. What habits have you created in your life to cope with emotional pain?
Has that pain led to habits and demands to work harder, keep busy, perfectionism?
The pain has an invite.
What does your pain invite or even demand you to do?
Pain can invite you into addictions: the bottle, the drugs, the porn.
Maybe the shopping mall, the binge eating, the self-harm.
Anything that numbs the loneliness, the shame, the loss.
The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God. Bruce Marshall. The World, the Flesh and Father Smith
The invite of the brothel, or the porn website, is ‘Come. For the briefest of moments, we can dull the pain out of your existence’.
The one thing to remember.
You’re not alone.
I want to talk about the pain I carry, but who will listen without F.A.S.S.‘ing me.
We need to know that we’re not alone. When we are alone with our emotional pain, we quickly and easily succumb to the doing of things to dull the pain. We self medicate.
I have a friend who has been there done that. Knows every imaginable pain that humanity has within itself.
So I write to P.A.P.A.  I journal and express that pain. As I express something gets relieved. Like the tension on a stretched out rubber band, it becomes relaxed.
Some people draw and create art. Some write songs and sing. (think the laments of the psalms and lamentations)
As I express, there is a quiet, soothing whisper that comes to console. Of course, you have to learn to listen for the words ‘I am with you,’ but in the darkness, they are always there.
Then perhaps a new millimeter step of hope creeps into our being. A little movement can be a whole lot.
We don’t need to reach for the stars when we have stardust in our hands.
It’s a gradual thing—small millimeter steps.
There will always be some element of emotional pain whilst in this human existence, but it doesn’t have to the dominant force. It can simply part of our shadow. There, but not dominating our vision.
You’re not alone, never have been, never will be.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened [carrying emotional pain], and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus Matthew 11:28-30
More Vicars Needed
We need more good listeners who can point in their worn sandaled way to how their emotional pain has been transformed into something sacred and good.
It’s about listening and being ‘with someone.’ So that when the emotional pain demands relief, wisdom is on the offer. A new millimeter path is available to take.
It’s taking those journal scribbles and notes and gently reading between the lines to where the pain is. Then offering a prayer of ‘being with them.’
Emotional pain can bump our lives into behaviors that can hurt us further. But we can make a change by learning to listen to the pain, where it’s sourced, and what it wants us to do.
Quotes to consider
The heart and the key to the Christian message is the vicarious nature of the life of Christ. Yes, He died for you, but He also lived as you, and performed on your behalf. David Riddell
Emotional pain always results when life’s experiences go beyond the answers we already have. Dig deeper for more wisdom or go on hurting. David Riddell
Those who do not turn to face their pain are prone to impose it. Terrence Real
Redeemed pain is more impressive to me than removed pain Phillip Yancey.
Suffering often shapes and teaches us and precedes most significant resurrections. Richard Rohr
Pain is the rent we pay for being human, it seems, but suffering is usually optional. Richard Rohr
Unless a bishop, teacher, or minister has on some level walked through suffering, failure, or humiliation, his or her words will tend to be fine but superficial, OK but harmless, heard by the ears but unable to touch the soul. Richard Rohr
Questions to answer
Can you give examples of emotional pain?
What behaviors or actions do you have that flow out of emotional pain?
What quote above spoke to you the most?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash
 
Get a weekly email to support your Mental Health
* indicates required
Email Address *
First Name *
Last Name
 
 
 

Four steps to Build A New Trust

Trust can get broken so easily, but we can build a new trust by cognitively reassessing our situations.  It takes time and effort, but it is worth it.
There was a rebuilding that needed to happen. It was a rebuilding of trust in themselves and with others.
Somewhere, some time, every one of us is going to have our trust broken. We live with an expectation that certain things will happen the way we believe they will happen. The rules won’t get broken. That the promises made will be kept.
But trust gets broken in many different areas of our lives.
relationships
career
health
Government
Church
God
I once sat with a man who, in his late forties, discovered he had manic depressive episodes.
Up till then, everything seemed fine. His wife told me that he had had a few strange moments in his life with some weird ideas, but for the most part, he lived within the bounds of what anyone would call normal.
Then all of a sudden, his illness truly took control, and he started acting highly erratically. He was admitted into the psych ward and began the journey into an awareness of his broken self.
With medication, support, and guidance, he returned to his family and started to rebuild his life. But there was a deep loss of trust in himself, his world, and his God.
As he talked with me, there was a need to rebuild trust in himself. The beliefs he had about himself, life, and God were all lying in rubble.
Trust questions knawed at his soul.
Do I trust my thinking?
Where was God?
What do I believe now?
Who do I trust?
Shame and guilt pounded on his soul. ‘What a fool’ was spoken out more than once.
When you’re in a hole, it’s easy to drown in the dirt you’re digging in.
Broken trust Bible
The Bible is full of stories where trust has been broken.
Josephs relationship with his brothers
Davids affair with Bathsheba
Peters denial of Jesus Christ
With each of these moments, there was a time where there was a breach of trust.
Joseph trusted his brothers, but they sold him into slavery. Could he trust them again?
David broke marriage vows and commitments to God. Could he be trustworthy again as a man and as a leader?
Peter broke his trust relationship with Jesus by denying him and leaving him alone. Could Jesus trust him again?
All of these examples, plus many more, show the fragility of trust. Trust is finite; life is fragile.
There is a Fragility
As I sat with the man discovering his manic depressive illness, I witnessed his awareness grow about his fragility.
That given the right amount of stress, lack of sleep, and with a body that was vulnerable in its own particular way, then the fragility would crack. He would become unwell and unstable.
He was becoming aware of his weaknesses.
Before the breakdown, he would have given theoretical assent to this weakness, but now he was truly knowing and embracing it on a soul level.
He could have talked about physical weaknesses on a theological level, but now he was searching for God amongst the rubble of his own torn down city.
There is a fragility in life we can’t control and is open to breaches of trust.
Cognitive reassessments
Rebuilding trust requires the ‘brick by brick’ work of cognitively reassessing that which we are trusting in.
A cognitive reassessment means to look at the facts. The brick and mortar of the situation. Is there change? What actually has been done?
Brick by brick, we can build it from the floorIf we hold on to each other,we’ll be better than before. Train
Our subconscious can be reprogrammed through cognitive reassessments of behaviors.
Joseph had to do a cognitive reassessment of his brothers to see whether they could be trusted again. He did this by giving them several tests.
David could not be trusted to be leader and King again without going through his dark night of the soul. The behaviors of repentance and sorrow marked a changed life.
Jesus could once again trust Peter when he saw the brokenness of his heart.  He had to tell Peter three times of his trust in him.
Build a new trust
How do we build a new trust in ourselves and others?
There is a process, and it requires deep listening into the soul.
 1. Listen for the voices of mistrustWe all have those voices of mistrust that say, ‘Don’t trust, you’ll get hurt again.’ We need to recognize them and pay attention to them, but we don’t necessarily have to agree with them.
Those whispers may well be the subconscious brain trying to keep us safe.
They are there for a reason. What would the reason be?
2. Look for the factsWe can so easily get caught up in the emotions of the past that we judge the present by the past.
Instead, we need to look for the facts of the now.
We look for the changes made. Tangible, observable, and real.
Is there evidence of a change?
3. Know your lines of love and respectMany people use the word ‘Boundaries,’ but I prefer ‘Lines of Love and Respect.’
It’s that line where you have a sense of love and respect for yourself and others.
‘I show love and respect for others by not calling them in the middle of the night wanting to have a chat. I know that if I did, I would be ‘crossing a line.”
‘Others demonstrate love and respect for me by the behaviors of not calling me in the middle of the night. They understand that this would be ‘crossing a line.”
Understanding and accepting your own needs of love and respect is part of rebuilding trust in yourself and others.
When people continue to show disrespect or an unloving approach to the lines of love and respect I have around me, I begin to trust them less.
If someone keeps ringing me in the middle of the night, showing no respect for my needs of sleep and rest, then the line becomes a fence, then a wall with barbed wire, then a wall with machine guns and guard dogs.
Sometimes you have to tell people your ‘lines of love and respect.’
At times, you have to repeatedly tell them and then follow up any breaches with natural consequences.
Trust builds when everyone agrees on the lines of love and respect.
When people keep ‘crossing the line,’ and you have to enforce some consequences, remember you are not rejecting them; instead, you are rejecting their behaviors.
How can you walk as one with someone unless there is a level of trust?
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3
4. Rehearse the truth
What is the truth that you are thinking out of?
We often need to tell ourselves new truths that will rebuild a sense of trust in ourselves and others.
‘That was then; this is now.’
‘I am no longer the same person I was then.’
‘The past does not define who I am. I choose to live in the present.’
‘I am not the mistakes I have made.’
‘I have changed. I have grown.’
‘I am no longer doing those same things I did back then.’
‘I now have these guardrails in place.’
‘I now understand Early Warning Signs‘
‘I have lines of love and respect in my relationships (boundaries)’
‘I don’t have to walk with someone I am not in agreement with.’
Trust can get broken so easily, but we can build new trust by cognitively reassessing the situations we are in.  It takes time and effort, but it is worth it.
Quotes to consider
“I didn’t reject you, I rejected your behaviour. Change your behaviour, before we can walk together again.” D. Riddell
Just because you forgive someone does not mean you must trust them – that has to be earned back again. David Riddell
How can I re-assess you until you demonstrate your changed mind? Until then I must keep you trapped in your past, for restitution must come before restoration of trust. D. Riddell
God is no stranger to the process of repairing damaged relationships. His trust has been broken many times by those he loves. John Townsend and Dr. Cloud Henry
You get your confidence and intuition back by trusting yourself, by being militantly on your own side. Anne Lamott
Rebuilding shattered trust necessitates reliable actions over time. Stefanie Carnes 
Talk’s easy, work’s hard. Consistent trustworthy behavior over time equals trust. Notice the word consistent is emphasized. Consistency is the key to the process. This becomes an even greater challenge because “addiction is a disorder that is characterized by relapse.” Stefanie Carnes 
We forgive, but we base our trust on the trustworthiness of the other person. Timothy R. Jennings 
Questions to answer
Are you still held back by voices saying not to trust? Why are those thoughts there?
What are your ‘Lines of love and respect’?
What truths do you need to feed your brain with to rebuild trust? Are you ‘militantly on your own side’?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by David Boca on Unsplash

I See You Need a Witness

We all have a story to tell but who is giving witness to it. A witness can help us change our plot, the next event in the storyline. 
I could see them.
I was looking at my Google Analytics for Turning the Page. It’s a kind of measuring tool full of statistics of how many people come to the website and what they are looking at.
This was in real-time. As I was looking at the dashboard they were looking at the website.
I didn’t know who they were or anything about them. Nothing other than that they had come to a particular page. The page was I’ve had Enough, Take my Life God, I Want to die
The route they had taken to get there was most likely one of writing a prayer. The prayer was short. It was ‘God, I want to die .’ A prayer typed into Google.
Turning the Page is ranked on Google on Page One for those terms. 
So here I am, knowing someone is on my website looking for help, in pain, and being anonymous. I am a witness to a struggle by someone somewhere.
I wanted to touch them somehow so they would know they were not alone.
Anonymous means a person unknown.
The person reading the blog post was anonymous, unknown by me, and being un-known in their struggle. 
I could imagine the situation. They were in emotional pain. There was a struggle, and all they wanted was to have the pain end. Perhaps, they hoped, God would take them, and then the pain would end. 
When you’re in a dark hole, the darkness can feel like it’s drowning you. 
You type a few words into Google and hope for help. An algorithm spits out some signposts. 
We don’t want others to know, and so we remain unknown – anonymous -without name.
I witness you
I remember years ago someone writing me letters. Handwritten, they were pages and pages of expression. Much of it was quite eligible and difficult to follow. 
It was something of the story of their life that they wanted me to be a witness to it. Every now and then, I would write back and ask a few questions. 
It was a release for them to get stuff out of their brain and onto some paper. To have someone be a witness. 
They wanted someone to know, to know them, to be known. To not be alone. 
I think something began to open in them.
That their story was real but only part of who they were.
There was more to them than the story they had been telling themselves. In the writing of the story, they were able to let go of some of the pain because the story had now been heard. It had been witnessed.
I see you, and I’m not afraid.
One of the most beautiful qualities of Jesus was that he saw into people’s lives and wasn’t afraid of entering a dark hole. 
Jesus walked with those on the outside. The broken and bruised, the racially and religiously prejudiced. The rejected ones. Those who were considered of no value – the anonymous people.
I believe Jesus would say, ‘I see you, and I’m not afraid.’
The apostle Paul asks a question. 
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Romans 8:35
Here is another empowering question. 
Is your story, pain, past, and failures going to be too big for Jesus to handle?  
When we anonymize ourselves, choosing to remain unknown, we fear rejection.  That we will be shunned, that something will come between ourselves and others. That the witness will walk away. 
To witness the plot of the story.
As we listen and give witness to a story, we see a plot emerge. How various events have shaped the story. There has been a sequence, and each event has affected the next one.
Dan Allender writes this. 
To understand our story, we need to know our tragedies, and as we learn them, we will catch a glimpse of how we currently manage tension. 
Repetitive patterns have become themes in our lives over time, themes that impose structure on us even when a surface evaluation would tell us that these themes are nothing more than personal preference or desire.
We are not wholly our own, nor are we exclusively the result of what has happened to us.
No wonder reading the plot of our lives is so difficult. Yet it is in the plot where we will find meaning. It also is the only part of our story we can rewrite if the trajectory of our life is not as we desire.
I can’t change my tragedies, nor can I really eliminate (fully) the characters in my story, but I can write a new plot.
To do so requires re-engaging the tragedies of my life with new patterns, thereby developing new or additional themes that mark who I am both as a coauthor of my life and an editor of my future.
Doing this marks me as a character in a larger story, a player who furthers the plot development while living in the real world of tension and tragedy.
To know our plot is the first step in changing it.Dan Allender. To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future
So many wonderful insights in this passage. 
When we give witness, we join in on the knowing of the plot. What a privilege. 
Quotes to consider
Writing is always a form of translation. We take what is in us and bring it up from our heart through our mind to the page. Dan Allender
Those who do not turn to face their pain are prone to impose it. Terrence Real
At some subterranean level of the heart, what we all want is for another human to say, I see you. Rob Bell
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh.Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh.More loneliness than any man could bear.Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh.I’ll send an S.O.S to the world. I hope that someone gets my Message in a bottle, yeah.A year has passed since I wrote my note.I should have known this right from the start.Only hope can keep me together.Love can mend your life.Or love can break your heart.I hope that someone gets my Message in a bottle, yeah.Walked out this morning, I don’t believe what I saw. Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.Seems I’m not alone at being alone.Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home.I’m sending out an S.O.SSting – Message in a bottle
Questions to answer
What are the skills required to be a good witness of someone’s story?
Who has witnessed you?
What quote from this post has connected with you?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Andrew Measham on Unsplash