Turning the Page

Love heals. Indifference Kills. What do you most need?

What your neighbor needs now is love but they often encounter indifference. We need to find a way to listen to them and tell them they are loved.
I wonder at times that under depression and anxiety, there is a deep unmet need for love. That many are love-starved and are unaware of it.
There are a lot of lonely people; maybe you’re one of them. I want to tell you that you are loved, but ‘Love’, I believe, is the most dangerous word in the world.
When heard, it can be twisted into all sorts of meanings and intentions that were never meant. Romanticized, sexualized, it can take on a life of its own.
I love my wife, my family, and my friends. Sounds right and proper, but what about saying ‘You are loved’ to someone who is struggling with depression or anxiety. Someone is psychotic?
Would they hear it within the intention that you are seeking to speak from?
Everyone needs to know they are loved.
You are loved because
Why are you loved?
That’s quite a profound question, and for many people, they may dispute that they are loved at all.
They have tied love into being the result of a performance.
When they do these certain activities or behaviors, then they will be loved. If they look a certain way, say the right words, cook the perfect meal, earn a certain amount of money, then they will be loved. If they follow the rules then they will experience love.
They put the power of hoped-for love into other’s hands. Always risky and fraught with potential manipulation and servitude.
You are loved because you are you.
Today you are You, that is truer than true.There is no one alive who is Youer than You. Dr. Seuss
I’m not indifferent to you
What would be the perfect behavior of love? How would you know 100% that you are loved?
I think it would be that you feel that you have been genuinely listened to. That you are acknowledged and known.  That the lover, the one who is listening, has not been indifferent in any way to your heart.
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Elie Wiesel
Indifference kills relationship.
It’s those words of ‘whatever’, ‘I don’t care’, ‘tell that to someone who cares’, ‘can’t be bothered’ that will shoot the already wounded.
The greatest lover of all time, Jesus, was never indifferent to the needs of those whom others were indifferent to.
He stepped into the world of shame and failure and had love feasts with the outcasts. Those on the sideline and not in the game. Those discarded and invalidated by others.
As I write this, I keep thinking of a picture by David Hayward and the story it comes from.
It comes from the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery. John 8:1-11  She was about to be stoned for supposed crimes. Can you imagine the terror and anxiety flooding her?
Love reached out and saturated her life.
Taping into love
For every broken hurting person, I would like them to hear and know that they are loved.
I wonder what would happen if when we exchanged words of farewell such as ‘Bye,’ we instead said the words ‘You are loved’.
Perhaps it would cause people to think about the vast reservoir of love that is contained around them at all times.
This week as I write, it has been one year since the tragic killings in Christchurch. A man stormed into two Christchurch mosques and with a semi automatic rifle slaughtered men, women, and children.
Were we indifferent to the pain?
No, love flooded and burst out all around this broken community. Love conquered hate. Indifference never got a look in.
Around every one of us, and especially around you, is a vast untameable lake of love, and it needs to be taped into.
The Bible may tell us so
As a child, I learned that I was loved by Jesus because ‘The Bible tells me so’.
That’s a left-brained, logic-based, cold fish approach to knowing something.
I want to know that love with the depth of experiential awareness.
Full emotional awareness like being held and embraced in the depth of a storm. Having a waterfall of powerful flowing love washing and pounding against me.
I can’t experience that love without you, and you can’t experience it without me.
There has to be a crossing over the divide of rugged independence and self-reliance to the truth of interdependence.
Listening for love in all the right places
Why does it have to take a funeral before people come and express their gratitude and love for someone?
Does it have to be mass murder before the community says we love?
I want to know I am loved and have worth beyond my role, my functionality, and strength or beauty. Can you tell me I am loved?
Someone you are going to meet today needs to hear that they are loved. Don’t be indifferent to Spirit (Holy) when the prompt comes.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. C.S. Lewis
I’m bankrupt without love.Love never gives up.Love cares more for others than for self.Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.Love doesn’t strut,Doesn’t have a swelled head,Doesn’t force itself on others,Isn’t always “me first,”Doesn’t fly off the handle,Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,Doesn’t revel when others grovel,Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,Puts up with anything,Trusts God always,Always looks for the best,Never looks back,But keeps going to the end.Love never dies.1 Corinthians 13:4-7
 
Mental Health is ... knowing you are loved and making sure others know they are loved tooCLICK TO TWEET
Quotes to consider
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference.The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference.And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies.To be in the window and watch people being sent to concentration camps or being attacked in the street and do nothing, that’s being dead. Elie Wiesel
Some people care too much. I think it’s called love. A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Where there is great love there is always miracles. Willa Cather
Love acts like a giant magnet that pulls out of us, like iron filings, every recorded injury, every scar. Terrence Real
He [Jesus] can only reach as far as you and I are willing to go. 
Anna Dimmel – I went to a Strip Club
There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made know through Jesus Christ. Pascal
Questions to consider
What do you think would happen if we regularly told others ‘You are loved’?
In your community, who needs to hear that they are loved?
How much does isolation and unawareness of love play into a person’s depression or anxiety?
Further reading
Your Failures in Life Need Love
God’s Love can Heal a Heart Full of Anxiety
To the Power of Being Known
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Gage Walker

When the Confessor Goes Rogue

We need to share the pain of life with someone, but what happens when the confessor, the one we are exposing our heart to, goes rogue. We need to be careful with who we share our heart with.
What they thought was being said in private was now being passed around like appetizers at a dinner party. Everyone had a munch and nibble, then passed the plate on for another’s perusal.
They were locked down now. Having exposed their heart, they had got hurt and had made a vow never to be open again.
To love at all is to be vulnerable.Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
But something had died within them. It was a willingness to trust and, therefore, to know love and give love. They allowed others to come only as close as they felt safe. Functionality, not intimacy.
All because the person they confided with couldn’t hold their pain,  confusion, and mystery. The confessor may have had the occupation where confidentiality was paramount, but they weren’t the person to hold or contain others.
Some observations from a hurt healer.
1. Being a Confessor  is not everyone’s calling  
We want everyone to be safe containers, ones that don’t leak, but in reality, not everyone is equipped to cope. I think it’s a calling, a specialty known to only a few.
Some aspects of being safe for others can be learned, but for the most, I believe its a gift, even a spiritual gift given by God and enabled and sustained by Spirit (Holy).
I think I have it because it seems that people seem to open up to me. They download, and it doesn’t seem to stick emotionally to me. The things I have heard would possibly scar and traumatize others.
I am always amazed and grateful for counselors, therapists, pastors, and others who have been equipped to know how to contain others’ pain. To let others vomit out their heart and know what to do with it themselves.
If you’re in a role, such as a pastor, and you can’t cope with the vomit, then please find someone who can. It’s not everyone’s calling to hear the deep pain. Learn how to politely and gently support to the degree that you can,
2. Everyone needs a safe confessor
When the pain gets locked up in the soul, it doesn’t make good wine. It makes vinegar. Acid and acrid, the pain eats away at life. Love is lost, and in that ‘airless coffin,’ the soul will suffocate itself.
There are pains we need to ‘get off our chest.’ Interesting little saying, isn’t it. To ‘get something off your chest.’ The chest holds the heart and the lungs. The organs that feed and sustain the flow of life in the body. When we have unshared pain, it can feel like a weight pressing down and constricting our ability to breathe and beat.
I am not sure who said it. It may have been Martin Luther, but I once heard that he said that the greatest loss from the reformation was the loss of the confessional box.
I’m not saying that having a confessional box in the way Roman Catholicism does is ideal, but to have normality to the act of safe confession may allow many of us to breathe easier and live lighter.
3. Forgiving the foolishness
I’ve shared with people some of my hurt and then felt betrayed by them. What was shared in private was told to others.
Then there are those that when we share something deep, it’s treated with disdain and mocking. They may minimize it and scoff.
Problem-solving is another tactic people use. ‘Let me tell you what to do’ when all you want is to be known.
Its foolishness and requires forgiveness. They don’t know what they are doing, and if they do know what they are doing and there is a sense of malicious intent to their actions, then double foolishness is going on.
I am continually brought back to what a wise old confessor told me to do. ‘Lay it at the foot of the cross’.
On the cross, Jesus doesn’t ask for vengeance. He asks for them to be forgiven in their foolishness. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34
It seems like I have a well-worn path to that place. Whenever I feel the bile of hurt rise up, I ask for help to find my way there.
4. Not repeating the same mistake
It’s foolish to keep exposing your heart to unsafe people with the hope of getting a different response.
Yes, I know, in an ideal world others would be able to hear our heart and not go rogue with it, but it’s been a long time since we’ve left the garden (Garden of Eden). That place where nakedness was the norm and love flowed with unconstrained abandonment.
So we are careful with who we share both our darkness and our light with. Not everyone is safe, and not everyone is good. Everyone has an element of foolishness in them.
We test the waters. We watch and observe. There is a prayer for direction to the safe burden bearers. Negotiations take place, and we ask questions.
Trust is built up over time and through shaky experiences, and maybe, just maybe we find a safe confessor.
 
Mental Health is ... finding a safe person to be vulnerable to, and being that safe person to someone else.CLICK TO TWEET
Quotes to consider
Just because you forgive someone does not mean you must trust them – that has to be earned back again. David Riddell
Forgiveness is a choice. You choose not to be held hostage in the present to the injustices that occurred in the past. Shirley Glass
A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community
Opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… that is being naked.  Rob Bell
Forgiving is not a single event, but a gradual process of increasing compassion and reducing resentment. Shirley Glass
Questions to answer
What would be the top qualities of a safe confessor?
When have you truly felt listened to in a deeply safe context?
Why is it that some people are good containers and others are not?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Clem Onojeghuo

Your Brain Needs to Rest Beside Still Waters

Our brains can be so busy that it can feel like a concussion, but we can help the brain recover by finding some still waters to rest next by.
When I wrote the first draft of this post, I was sitting next to a small stream. There wasn’t much water flowing through it because it is summer and we haven’t had a good rainfall for over 60 days.
But still, the trickle provided life to many. There were some Kokopu (a native New Zealand fish), some birds that would refresh and wash, insects sipping, and tree roots merging with the waters. The water was also being pumped out to beautiful gardens and orchards. Water troughs were being kept full for thirsty horses.
Now I was being replenished. I invited my self to be still and listen for the stillness of the flowing waters. Something outside of my control.
However, just 20 meters away from this little stream was a busy road. There were moments that all I could hear were cars and trucks carrying people to their day’s work, school, and busyness. Then quiet would return, and the sound of still waters would flow to my ears.
We need still waters
Do you have a place where you can listen to water?
Perhaps its a stream, or the lapping of waves on a beach. It could be a water fountain in a garden. I have seen a small water fountain in a waiting room and thought how relaxing it was to watch the movement and listen to the flow.
In Psalm 23 David the shepherd writes
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.    He makes me lie down in green pastures;he leads me beside still waters;    he restores my soul. Psalm 23: 1-3
David didn’t write ‘still water.’ ‘Still water’ can be dangerous water. A place where weed, algae, and all sorts of nasties can grow. A good shepherd would not allow his flock to drink from stagnant water.
David uses the word ‘waters’ implying a movement of molecules of water. There is a flow, even if it is unseen. Under the surface, there is a current. When it comes to an obstacle, it moves around and over.
The water flows over little rocks and pebbles and creates sound waves that reach out for ears to hear. There is a rhythm, a wave vibration, an unpredictability to the music.
Concussion recovery
Our brain is both strong and fragile. In sports such as Soccer/ Football, Grid Iron, Rugby, even my beloved Cricket, blows to the head can cause long term damage to the brain.
Then some suffer concussion through knocks and bumps. A fall, a car crash, a walking into a piece of timber on the back of a truck, which is what I did yesterday. Ouch and bruise and pain.
What about the concussion injuries on your soul and heart that you have experienced throughout your life?
I was reading an article the other day about concussion recovery. It gave five pieces of advice on how to rest your brain
1. Take time off work and/or school.2. Focus on one task at a time.3. Limit yourself to easy chores.4. Get in the passenger’s seat. (No driving)5. Relax with comfortable, simple hobbies.
They were encouraging the reader to avoid activities that required demanding mental processes, such as reaction time, memory, or multitasking. It was an invitation to sit by still waters.
Accessing the waters
I want to have more refreshing moments in my life where I can recover from the concussing effects of cell phone notifications, political debates, and being on the road above the stream.
I want to sit with the water of life.
Anyone who is thirsty may come to me!Anyone who believes in me may come and drink!Jesus John 7:37-39
Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever.The water I give will be an artesian spring within,gushing fountains of endless life. John 4:14
To get to that stream, I had to climb a fence, push through some trees, and find a patch in time to sit. There was intentionality in seeking the water.
What can you do?
I don’t know where you live. You might live in a place where accessing free-flowing water is quite easily achievable.
Perhaps you live in a place where it is dry and arid and flowing water is challenging to find. You might like to listen to stream from an App on your phone or get a small water fountain for your home.
I would encourage you to pursue listening to the still waters and allow them to flow around the circuity of your brain. You won’t be short-circuited.
 
Mental health is ... finding time to sit and rest by the still watersCLICK TO TWEET
Quotes to consider
Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee. Confessions by Augustine of Hippo
In the inner stillness where meditation leads, the Spirit secretly anoints the soul and heals our deepest wounds. John of the Cross
The brain takes its shape from what the mind rests upon. Rick Hanson
Questions to consider
Where are some ‘still waters’ nearby that you could go and be still?
What is the resistance you are facing when you think about the idea of being quiet and listening to the trickle of water?
What is the noisy traffic in your life that maybe concussing you?
Further reading
 
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Oscar Nilsson

Seven Observations of Long Haul Caregivers

Being a caregiver over a long period of time can be tough going, but there are some things that those on the long haul do well. We need to applaud the long haul caregiver.
There are some people that I want to stand and applaud.
I love the game of cricket and when a player has done exceptionally well the crowd will rise one by one and cheer their performance.
Kane Williamson 17 Test CenturiesThe player may raise his bat in acknowledgment, but there is no theatrics of tearing off his shirt, doing cartwheels or any other self-aggrandizement.
After the applause, he takes his bat and faces the next ball.
Some of the people who read this blog are those that need a slow and deliberate clap of applause.
Well done, good and faithful servant.
They are the ones who have been on the long haul mission of caring for someone. It could be a spouse, parent, child, family member, a friend.
There may be a disability, an addiction, an illness. But over a long period of time have stuck close and carried at times a load that nobody ever sees.
It can be tough, unthankful work—a place of giving up sacrificially some of their dreams and desires for the sake of another.
Perhaps you know someone like this. It may even be you. What observations have you made? Email me with your comments.
Seven observations of long haul caregivers
They have relationships with a few supportive othersWe can’t do life on our own. Long haul people have someone who they can connect with. It could be a group of other people who know what they are going through.A group such as Al-Anon for those supporting someone with an addiction to alcohol. It might be a group you find on Facebook.It will be someone somewhere where they won’t feel alone.Where they can both vent their frustrations and vacuum up encouragement and hope.
 
God sets the lonely in families. Psalm 68:6
They make a life for themselvesLong haul people have discovered that they need to have something they can call their own. It could be a hobby, enjoyment of music, a favorite author.It will be a place where they can go to that offers some relief, a ‘stepping away’ from the coal face of support.
They know what is in their control and what is notLife will throw many challenges at the Long haul caregiver.People will make decisions that a caregiver has no control over.There is a ‘stepping aside’ from the emotional turmoil others can cause and a recognition many things are beyond one’s control.They focus on what they can control – themselves and how they will respond.
They have lines of love and respect (boundaries)Long haul caregivers have come to know themselves well and know what is acceptable behavior and what is not.There is an ability to point out the consequences when a line is crossed and enforce it.They know that no one is perfect, but that expectations need to be negotiated with others.There is an ability to care for themselves by making clear the lines of love and respect.
They recognize there is a bigger story going onThe life of a Long Haul caregiver can become so drawn into itself that it feels like the suction of a black hole.The needs of the other cavitate you into losing sight of something good and glorious. God delights in the service of others.There is a bigger story going on, and we, for the most part, are unaware of it.The invite is to perform to the best of your ability (not others) in this unfolding story.
They do the inner workBitter or better.Long haul caregivers seem to fall somewhere on a spectrum of being bitter or better. The bitterness of having to do this, people not doing what they want, agencies are failing them, lost dreams, and hopes.The list can, and generally does, go on and on.Then some seem to have become better through the experience. Sure they recognize injustices and hurts, but they seem to have invited and allowed the struggle to do some inner work on themselves.
 
This is a place where you learn about yourself.
Much like how a pearl is grown within an oyster.
‘An irritating substance (like a piece of grit) enters the oyster, prompting the animal to start protecting itself. It does so by secreting a lustrous organic material known as nacre to encapsulate the irritant. Once the irritant has been covered with enough layers of nacre, it’s like the irritant never existed. In that nuisance’s place, a precious organic gem forms’.Source
They have a compelling visionWe can so often get stuck in the difficulty of the day that we lose sight of the millimeter ministry, and that little things add up over time.At times I have written a letter for a person where I have asked Spirit to prompt me with words that might describe the person in a few years.It’s not a ‘you will have a husband, a dream house, etc.’ but more so character qualities.When we can hold onto a vision of what could be possible and focus on the millimeter, even micrometer steps of change, then a vision can and does become a reality.
Grit and grace
Going the distance is a ministry of grit and grace, and I stand and applaud you. 
If you know someone who is a long haul caregiver, buy them a coffee, send them a card. In someway acknowledge them and what they are doing. 
Quotes to consider
Be there for others but never leave yourself behind Dodinsky
We get in trouble whenever we forget that God never gave us the power or the right to change anyone.  That is His job! Michael Liimatta 
Do for One What You Wish You Could Do for Everyone Andy Stanley
Questions to answer
What observations have you made about those caring for others over a long period?
Who do you know that could be considered as a long haul caregiver?
In what ways can we say ‘Well done good and faithful servant’?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Paz Arando

No more plans. Give me a foggy signpost

Plans and blueprints give us a sense of certainty, but it’s in the fog of relationships we need something more. Signposts offer us a direction, a relationship of trust, an ancient path.
I wanted him to tell me what to do. Give me advice, a plan, a blueprint, a map back to where I once was. I needed help, and I felt utterly lost.
‘I can’t give you a map, but I can give you some foggy signposts’
We all want maps, and plans don’t we. Codes and blueprints that if we follow, we will succeed. For most of life, this is how it works.
Yesterday I had a drive belt on a machine break. I pulled out the belt, went and got a replacement then put the new belt on. The machine is back working, and it felt good. I moved into the chaos and solved the problem.
I will have other problems of chaos again today. I will dig into my brains toolbox, reach for a plan, and solve the problem.
But there are areas of my life, and yours, where there are no clear plans or blueprints. We search for a map and a code but come up short.
The relationships we have with others are probably the most significant area of stress we have. How many times do a few words spoken sink us into depression, push our anxiety buttons, or fire up the coals of our anger?
So we write internal policy manuals. ‘If they do this, then I’ll do that.’ Rule books, manuals, maps, and plans all constrain the traveling relationship to mere functionality.
A foggy signpost
A few years ago, my wife and I walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain. This pilgrimage journey is one that millions of people have taken, but there is no map. Well, there is actually, or there could be if you wanted to find one, but instead, there are road markers with arrows.
As you walk along the well-worn path, you will come across small stone markers with an arrow and the information of how far it is to go.
If you look at the top of the signpost, you will see a blue panel with yellow lines, all pointing to one spot. The Camino has a scallop shell as a symbol of direction. All the radial points line up to one endpoint: many paths, one destination.
You will find ancient signposts on the Camino being nothing but a scallop shell chiseled into stone.
 
Mental Health is knowing when the map needs to be put down, and a wholehearted seeking of ancient foggy signposts needs to be embraced.CLICK TO TWEET
The Ancient Paths
The Camino de Santiago is an ancient path, but there are even more ancient paths that people like you and I have walked.
Whatever you are going through in your relationships, thousands of others have been through it before.
Jeremiah, born 650 years before Christ, knew of the ancient paths. They were old even then.
Stand at the crossroads, and look,    and ask for the ancient paths,where the good way lies; and walk in it,    and find rest for your souls.Jeremiah 6:16
Have you ever wept? Jeremiah is known as the weeping prophet. No superhero status here, but he was one that sought out the foggy signposts on the ancient paths.
Developing intimate trust
It was when they said, ‘I believe in you’ and ‘I’m going to walk with you through this’ that I knew that I had found someone under a foggy signpost.
They had been there done that. They had the scars to prove they had been through the battle I was going through, and so they could be trusted.
No trite answers were given, no formulas or maps laid out. It was a sense of presence that invited me to know that I was safe and welcomed. It was intimacy – in-to-me-see.
When we grow in relationship with others who have found and want to share their foggy signposts, we form a community of fellow pilgrims. Honest and ‘dirt between the toes’ wanderers.
A trust grows not in a plan but a presence that it’s going to be ok. You’re not alone. You have fellow travelers who have found the signpost you are looking for.
You begin to drop the plans, blueprints, codes, and loyalty programs. Confidence fills your heart, and you take that one more step into the fog.
The well of Jeremiah’s tears is known to you, and you’re able to provide a sense of presence to fellow Jeremiahs.
Quotes to consider
Genuine presence involves being genuinely myself. I can be present for another person only when I dare to be present to myself. Dr. David Benner
Spiritual growth begins with the easily overlooked disciplines of attentiveness and surrender. David Benner
We live in the shelter of each other. Celtic saying
Faith is not the clinging to a shrine but an endless pilgrimage of the heart. Abraham Joshua Heschel
Questions to consider
What foggy signposts have helped you?
Where is the invite today for you to seek out a foggy signpost?
Maps and plans are helpful in many areas of life, but what happens when we try and apply them to our relationships?
Further Reading
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Dipan Kumar Rout

When a Thought Takes You Captive

A thought can become a belief that keeps us captive. But we can have an idea that captures us and inspires growth. We need to nurture the good and true.
‘It’s a weasel.’ The trap had caught and killed a weasel. We had noticed that some animal was eating some of the eggs in the chicken coop, so we had set out a trap. Now the culprit was caught and dead.
Weasels and other animals like possums, rats, ferrets, and stoats cause a great deal of damage to our natural wildlife here in New Zealand. Before man coming to our Islands, there were only birds. It was just one happy, chirping bird-filled land.
But with the introduction of animals such as possums, weasels, and alike it has been a war against the wild. We love our native birds and forests, and so we work hard at protecting them.
Weasel thoughts
In my thought life, I have some thoughts that are like weasels. They are repetitive, destructive, and so familiar that I don’t even realize that I’m thinking them.
I can guarantee you have them or ones similar.
‘Nothing ever changes.’
‘I’m dumb.’
‘I’m ugly.’
‘I’m not good at anything.’
Their weasels and they’re eating away the real beauty and power of your life. A little thought here and there, keeping you in the familiar territory where you have always thought that thought.
That thought repeated over time, mixed with emotion, becomes your truth. Its the way you see the world. Some people believe the world is flat. They feed the notion. It dominates their thinking.
It has captured them, and it has become their truth.
Taking every thought captive
I want to get a trap that can catch weasel thoughts. You have it connected into the garden of your brain, and every rodent thought that passes through the neuron network are trapped.
Snared before it continues to do damage.
Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 10:5  that we are to ‘take every thought captive to obey Christ.’
We are to grasp every thought.
Imagine yourself grasping a wriggling thought in your hand. You have it in your grip. You have caught it, and you examine it. Is this critter helpful or harmful?
It needs to be obedient, to be under submission, and not allowed to roam free and wild in your life, destroying your beauty and purpose.
Captured by a thought
Let’s flip this around. How about a thought that has captured you? Being captive to an idea.
I’ve had an idea recently that has captured my thinking. It started as an idea, just a little inkling. Then I kept feeding it and coming back to get to it. Holding it in my hands and pondering over it.
It’s about this blog, and the people it reaches, how it’s a precious thing. It’s a community, and I so enjoy how it helps so many people.
It’s an idea I want to foster, nourish, and see where it leads.
Back to our illustration about the problem we have here in New Zealand about weasels, rats, and possums.
Someone at some stage had an idea about creating pest-free zones. Small offshore Islands were made predator-free. Rare and endangered species of birds were given a home to flourish in.
Then that thought of predator-free areas gained momentum, and more people caught the dream. They were captured by the idea of things being different. Thousands of people are now involved in making New Zealand predator-free. We have a goal of New Zealand being predator-free by 2050. 
I don’t know whether we will ever become predator-free, but every step towards it is a good one.
What thought has captured you? 
For many struggling with a Mental Illness, there is an element of being captured by a thought of despair. That tomorrow will be the same as yesterday. That there is no hope.
Repeated time and time again through the neural networks, it can become so hardwired that it becomes like a flat earth belief system. It is your truth and all you know. It is how you see the world.
A new thought needs to take capture of you.
What anyone of us can do is to invite a good, holy thought of divine inspiration to trickle into our subconscious. We can then nourish and feed that thought. Dwell in it and let it capture us much like a beautiful sunrise or the early morning song of a bird.
God, trickle into my thinking a thought of divine beautyand purpose. Help me to be captivated by it. 
For the next few moments, we invite that thought to be our calling. It grows and displaces those varmints out of the way.
What we focus on grows.
What I focus on gets me. Focus on the negatives/ challenges will always take me down. Focus on the positives/ good things will always give me hope. – From my thinking compass
Were not going to make New Zealand predator-free in the next few moments, but in the moment of today, we can do what we can do. I could order a trap for my backyard.
Let a thought captivate you and pull you towards beauty and purpose.
Quotes to consider
Behind every despairing and fearful moment, there’s a wrong belief. Trace the lie, face the lie, and replace the lie with a new insight. D. Riddell
The warfare the Christian is involved in is the battle between true and mistaken beliefs. It is warring for reality against the delusional world of lies. Which side will you take? D. Riddell
The chief thief is the belief beneath, the subconscious is always the power behind the decisions we make and the outcomes we experience. David Riddell 
What we do comes out of who we believe we are. Rob Bell
Questions to answer
What keeps you captive?
What captivates you?
Further reading
Smelling the Roses Grows a Healthy Brain
Barry Pearman
Image Credit: Eric Ward

True Beauty Is Under The Tarnish

Many women don’t think they are beautiful.  A tarnish is over their soul. But underneath, there is a beauty that can change a world, a delight that needs to be listened for and affirmed.
There was a beauty there, and I wanted to affirm it. I could see it in the way she moved, the energy and thoughtfulness she placed into her intent. It was beautiful but tarnished.
When I said she was beautiful, it was dismissed immediately. Her tarnished thoughts had crowded in and screamed comparisonitis memes. Comparisons to Instagram models and airbrushed movie stars. The women in the clothes catalogs alway with the beautiful skin.
FatWrinklesHipsStomachHairBags
Tarnished beauty
Have you ever noticed that on metal objects, a thin film or layer builds up on the outside. It’s a tarnish, which is a thin layer of corrosion that forms over the surface. The outermost layer is undergoing a chemical reaction.
Given enough time and the layers build up. The brightness and the ability of the metal to reflect is lost under layers of oxidation.
Did you notice the word ‘corrosion’? It eats away at the internal, creates a crust, hides the glory of what’s underneath.
To reveal the true and deep beauty of a tarnished object, those layers need to removed. Out comes some polish, something slightly abrasive and liquid.
Then with gentle but firm pressure, a rhythm is formed of working the polish over the tarnish and wiping the accumulated corrosion away.
Underneath the beauty is there. Shinning and a delight to the eyes. Alluring and dragging you in to know it more.
There is nothing more beautiful than a woman fully alive. Living without the tarnish of others oxidizing corrosive norms.
Was Mother Teresa beautiful?
And certain women
We don’t have an exact number of how many women were amongst Jesus followers, but we do know that there were quite a few.
The Twelve were with him. There were also some women in their company who had been healed of various evil afflictions and illnesses: Mary, the one called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out; Joanna, wife of Chuza, Herod’s manager; and Susanna—along with many others who used their considerable means to provide for the company. Luke 8:1-3
In such a patriarchal male-dominated society, why were so many women magnetized by Jesus?
Jesus was a safe man, and women are drawn to safe men.
True men know real beauty is something more mysterious and alluring than anything of what a movie star can cosmetically enhance.
Beauty is a movement of the soul, and we notice it when we observe well.
Beauty is something to be discovered
That sunrise was beautiful, but you have to get up early in the morning to see it.
The bird song was beautiful, but you have to still yourself long enough to hear it.
The smell of a beautiful rose is divine, but you have to stop and stoop to catch the scent.
True beauty isn’t hand-delivered to you on a plate; it must be sought out to be experienced.
The wonder of women
Physical beauty, the tarnished perceptions, is fleeting, according to Proverbs 31:30. But there seems to be a beauty that sparkles brighter than a bunch of diamonds.
The writer of Proverbs 31, possibly a woman (King Lemuel’s Mother),  describes a beautiful woman in the categories of how she cares for her family, her creativity, industriousness, business wisdom, and generosity. She has an inner strength and dignity and gives respect to her husband and the way he moves into his world. 
I know many women like this wonder women. I don’t think they would consider themselves beautiful, because of the tarnish, but they are truly beautiful.
Affirming the beauty
I want to tell more women that they are beautiful, but I fear it will be misconstrued. People might well jump to conclusions that aren’t true. The words get filtered through the tarnish.
I tell my wife, daughter, and granddaughter that they are beautiful, but even then, the tarnish might dull the impact of the words.
I see beauty, it warms my heart, and I want to move towards and affirm it, so I might well say ‘that is a beautiful thing you do.’
It doesn’t speak to the wholeness of the beauty of who they are, but it might just cut through some of the tarnish.
Affirming the sunrise, the bird-song, and the waft of beauty is a gift we can give to others. It takes intention, courage, wisdom, and observation.
It’s a practice we need to become skilled at intuitively.
Quotes to consider
Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so too is experience in the soul of the individual. David G. Benner
Remain in beauty, and we will honor beauty everywhere. Richard Rohr
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
When inspiration touches talent, she gives birth to truth and beauty. Steven Pressfield
Dying people can teach us … Often the attributes that define them drop away—the hair, the shape, the skills, the cleverness. And then it turns out that the packaging is not who that person has really been all along. Without the package, another sort of beauty shines through. Anne Lamott
Questions to answer
What is beauty?
What is the corrosive effect on a woman’s soul from the ‘beautiful people’ images and models?
How can a man affirm beauty in a woman without coming across the wrong way?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image:David Pisnoy

How to relax? You need to Feel and Safe and Known

Few of us know how to fully and deeply relax. The noisy neighbors can keep us from the rest we need, but when we feel safe and known, we can restore.
He almost went to sleep. That was the first observation he shared with me after a short spiritual meditation exercise we went through — silence, peacefulness, quiet focus, and a ‘stepping away’ from the noise.
He stepped away from needing to be someone and to do something into a pose of quiet acceptance.
Breathing in, breathing out. Centering the thoughts and feelings away from the past and the future to being present in the now. Right here, right now.
Do you know how to relax?
It’s a serious question.
For many of us, the word relax might be connected with having a day off work, kicking back, sleep in, reading a book, watching a movie. But then you’re greeted by noisy neighbors. They come knocking at your door, speaking to your mind.
You’re not doing enough
You don’t deserve this
What will …. think?
If I don’t do this, then this will happen
I must do more
I must be more
To quell those noisy neighbors, I believe we need to feel both safe and known.
The need to feel safe
The first struggle I have observed in those that find deep relaxation difficult is one of safety.
Will I be ok if I relax? When will someone pounce? Who is going to tell me off? Maybe even the thought of ‘Will I get beaten?’ shouts fear into the awareness.
It could be the reality of their current lives. Living in a circle of abuse. But often it is the still reverberating echoes of another time.
Perhaps in those early formative years, there was a need for hypervigilance. To be always on alert for some threat.
A supposed safe place for most, the family, was a place of trauma, unpredictability.  So a pattern was formed of always being on guard.
It could be from a recent time, an abusive relationship and the cortisol trigger is finely tuned for release.
I remember when I was a pastor, people feeling so safe in my office that they went to sleep.
The need to feel known
One of the little mottos we often adopt is ‘If it’s going to be, then it’s up to me.’
On the healthy side, its a call to self-responsibility, but the unhealthy flip side is a rugged, self-reliant independence.  Relaxing, letting go of the need to do or to be, can feel like an abandonment of responsibility.
‘If I relax, then who is going to …’‘If I relax, then things won’t get done.’
We push back at the thought of quietness because we want to be in control.
But when that fear of ‘what will  happen’ is known, understood, and embraced by someone greater than ourselves, it always includes an invitation to relax.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? Matthew 6:25-27
In that brief moment of invited relaxation, there is an assurance that it’s going to be ok.
You can pick up the responsibilities later after being restored and rejuvenated, but for that moment of relaxation, it’s time for you.
Permission to retreat
The word ‘retreat’ is an interesting one. I remember watching old movies as a kid and hearing the cry go up ‘Retreat!’ and the cowboys or the soldiers would run away from the battle.
‘Retreat’ seems to be a failure, a giving up, a defeat.
Retreat: (of an army) withdraw from enemy forces as a result of their superior power or after a defeat.
 
Then we get these places called ‘Retreat centres’ and we hear of people going on ‘Spiritual retreats’. Aren’t they kind of weaklings? Running away from life?
 
The problem is that the body keeps score. Constant running into the noise of life takes its toll on the body and eventually the body will say enough. Stomach ulcers, high blood pressure, constant fatigue etc
 
Retreating is not a failure or a sign of weakness. Its a sign of health and an awareness that youre not superman. Your feet are made of clay and they need a foot bath and some pampering.
 
I give you permission to retreat.
 
We all have a lives where there is resistance. All of us are pushing into a wind and it pushes back. There is an interface and it tires the soul.
 
To retreat is not a failure. It is an honest awareness that we are not machines.
 
We need to time to refresh the skin that has faced the wind. We duck in behind a tree and let the world go by. We refresh to dance another day.
 
Mountain, boat, chest, feet.   
Jesus was and is the man who knows how to relax. He also has an invitational stance where relaxation is offered in bodily form to us.
With the crowd dispersed, he climbed the mountain so he could be by himself and pray. He stayed there alone, late into the night. Matthew 14:23
Jesus said, “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest.” For there was constant coming and going. They didn’t even have time to eat. So they got in the boat and went off to a remote place by themselves. Mark 6:31
A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! Mark 4:38-40
One of the disciples, the one Jesus loved dearly, was reclining against him, his head on his shoulder. John 13:23
Jesus entered a village. A woman by the name of Martha welcomed him and made him feel quite at home. She had a sister, Mary, who sat before the Master, hanging on every word he said. Luke 10:39-40
Jesus knew full well about the noisy neighbors. He also knew about the need to feel safe and known.
His invite is for you to retreat to a place where you feel safe. It could be a beach, a forest, a river, a special chair you have, a pillow to rest your head on. There is also an invite to rest your head on his chest and sit at his feet.
He wants you to know that he knows. He knows about the demands of your life. He knows the noisy neighbors, and he offers refreshment for the journey, that it’s going to be ok. That in this moment of relaxation, he can provide wisdom.
You might like to read more about this. There are some links at the bottom of this post.
I give you permission to relax.
Few of us know how to fully and deeply relax. The noisy neighbors can keep us from the rest we need, but when we feel safe and known, we can restore.
Quotes to consider
We go to sleep, and God begins his work. As we sleep he develops his covenant. We wake and are called out to participate in God’s creative action. Eugene Peterson
Sleep is God’s contrivance for giving us the help he cannot get into us when we are awake. George Macdonald
We cannot attain the presence of God. We‘re already totally in the presence of God. What’s absent is awareness Richard Rohr
Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee. Confessions by Augustine of Hippo
if you routinely practice relaxation, this will increase the activity of genes that calm down stress reactions, making you more resilient. Rick Hanson
Questions to consider
What stops you from fully relaxing?
Where is a place that says for you ‘Come and relax’?
Who are your noisy neighbors, and what do you they keep saying to you?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Craig Philbrick

Message Sent Message Heard. That Trivago Ad

Messages can be messy. We say one thing, they hear another, but we need to be heard so we need to learn about filters and speak with grace and compassion.
The message I heard was probably not the message they wanted to send. Who got it wrong?
Over the past few weeks, the online hotel booking company Trivago has been showing an ad on New Zealand Television featuring a young lady and an older lady. In the ad, the younger lady gets a better deal on her accommodation because she used the Trivago phone app.
As one commenter on Youtube says
‘What Trivago is really communicating in this ad, is that OLD people are ‘not with it’. Young people are smarter and more savvy. Stereotypes in other words.’
What message did you get from the ad?
Now I have asked a few people, and most felt the ad was ageist, discriminating against older people and offensive. Some didn’t see any problem with the ad. That Trivago was helpful to older people.
So I asked a friend of mine, Elizabeth Herr, who is a Certified Body Language Trainer to have a look at the ad.
I don’t see ageism at all. Instead, I see a sense of superiority/elitism from the older woman!
At 0:07, the younger woman has a slightly raised eyebrow, but this seems more indicative of knowing privately that she’s got the better deal – she has a genuine and even smile, but there is no malice.
The older woman, on the other hand, made a ‘show’ of the price quoted to her:
At 0:08, she lifts her chin (also called a chin jut), and her forehead is back. This, in effect, makes her ‘look down her nose’ in a superior manner.
This is followed at 0:10 by an eyebrow raise (to draw attention to what she says), a sideways glance of the eyes and head turn in the direction of the brunette. When she says ‘not bad,’ she also displays a contempt micro-expression (one-sided mouth raise). All of this shows a sense of disdain and superiority.
At 0:15, when she says ‘wait’ after hearing the quoted ‘ninety-five pounds,’ she displays a disgust micro-expression (lips pulled up).
At 0:21, the woman raises her eyebrows at hearing the benefits of Trivago. Eyebrow raise is often indicative that we like or approve of something or think something is ínteresting.
After the brunette explains the benefits of Trivago, she is still smiling at 0:24, but it’s still even (both sides raised, so no contempt).
At 0:26, the concierge tries to pry the card out of her hand while pursing his lips, indicating that he’s feeling stressed, and then right at 0:27, the lady has an angry expression on her face (brow furrowed).
The only ‘dig’ here might be that Trivago is insinuating that people of a certain age bracket are less ‘app savvy’ than the younger generation and is making them aware of their application.Elizabeth Herr The People Toolbox
Messages are messy
You say one thing, and they hear something completely different.
You think to yourself, or you might even say it out loud …
‘Why don’t they listen to me’!
They may well have been listening to you, but you weren’t speaking their language. You weren’t being clear with the message you were sending.
Sure the listener has a responsibility to listen. They have to choose to listen, to make sense of the words, the non-verbals, the context. What they hear will be some version of what you say, but it may not be the right version.
Message filters
To understand communication, you need to understand filters.
In photography, one of the ways to get some different looking images is to put filters over the lens of the camera.
When the light passes through the lens filter, it is changed and creates a different image to the reality of what is actually there.
We all have filters that we listen to others through.
Prejudices
Beliefs
Physical impairments – e.g., hearing loss
Experiences
A good communicator takes into account the filters people have and adjusts the message for clarity.
If you want to be heard
Find out the filtersThis is going to take time and observation. Understanding your listener is a sign of respect that you want to know them and connect with them. After talking with them, ask them gentle curious questions to see if they got the right message.
Speak with compassionIf you want connection, then you need to have compassion for the listeners. They don’t know what you’re trying to communicate. So think about their situation first.
Seasoned with salt
The apostle Paul in writing a letter to some early Christian believers, tells us that our speech needs to be gracious, seasoned with salt.
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6 
Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out. Colossians 4:6 (The Message)
Enhance the flavor of your speech with grace. Listen and speak with love.
Quotes to consider
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Theodore Roosevelt
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said. Peter Drucker
“A brother has not given up all things if he holds onto the purse of his own opinions.” Francis of Assisi – Richard Rohr Eager to Love: The Alternative Way of Francis of Assisi 
Most people do not see things as they are; they see things as they are! Richard Rohr, Breathing Underwater
Questions to answer
What was your first response to the Trivago ad?
What filters do you have that you listen to messages through?
Do you ever exclaim ‘Why don’t people listen to me’? Where does the responsibility for the communication begin?
Further reading

God, will it always be like this? Being a slave to despair

God, will it always be like this? That was what their heart was wanting to know. The answer lay in knowing their slave master of despair. Hope is the dance partner of Faith and Love.
Every day felt the same, in fact, every week and every month. Do the job, make a meal, go to sleep: repeat, repeat, repeat — monotonous drudgery.
It wasn’t just the repetitive nature of the grind that got to you., it was the slow wearing down of the soul.
It was like something beautiful and purposeful was being scraped off a ‘Mona Lisa,’ dropped on the floor, trampled on, and ground into dust.
They sensed they were losing themselves. Who they were, who they were meant to be — all at the hands of a slavemaster tyrant.
 
Your slave master
What keeps you stuck? What keeps you in the same Mental Health timezone?
That hole of depression. That tightrope of anxiety.
For a nation of people, it was the oppression of an Egyptian slavemaster. They were building a man’s glory while destroying their own.
That was the lot of the nation of Israel. Slaves to Pharoah. Brickmakers day in, day out.
So they [the Egyptians] organized them into work-gangs and put them to hard labor under gang-foremen.They built the storage cities Pithom and Rameses for Pharaoh. But the harder the Egyptians worked them, the more children the Israelites had—children everywhere!The Egyptians got so they couldn’t stand the Israelites and treated them worse than ever, crushing them with slave labor.They made them miserable with hard labor—making bricks and mortar and back-breaking work in the fields.They piled on the work, crushing them under the cruel workload. Exodus 1:11-14
It’s easy to identify an external slavemaster.
It’s their fault. They are the ones to blame. They are the ones who are making my life miserable. So easy to give others more power than God ever wanted them to have.
Yes, some people are controllers; they like to be slave masters, dominating, and oppressing. They, too, are trapped in their fears.
Locus of control
There is an interesting psychological concept called Locus of control
Locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control. Understanding of the concept was developed by Julian B. Rotter in 1954, and has since become an aspect of personality studies.A person’s “locus” (plural “loci,” Latin for “place” or “location”) is conceptualized as internal (a belief that one can control one’s own life) or external (a belief that life is controlled by outside factors which the person cannot influence, or that chance or fate controls their lives).[1]
Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam. Wikipedia Locus of control
What does your focus tell you about your locus?
I have found in myself and others that focusing on how other people treat you (external locus) takes away a sense of personal power. You give the other more power than they need to have.
We even can do this with God. Blaming God for our circumstances instead of taking healthy responsibility for our own choices.
Oh, yes, and we can blame the devil. ‘The devil made me buy this dress’ by Flip Wilson springs to mind (must listen!).
There has to be a time where you come to an internal locus of control. What can I do? What do I have control over?
The crying out of the slave
There comes a time when you have had enough of being a slave.
The slavery of a belief you have held in your brain. A Pharoah sized belief is keeping you in captivity. You recognize that there is some internal thinking work you need to do.
No one else can do this for you. It’s your brain, your responsibility, 100%.
You cry out in prayer because you realize that this is too big for you to do it by yourself.  
Supernatural goals need supernatural resources. Larry Crabb
 
You sense yourself as being like those Israelites.
The Israelites groaned under their slavery and cried out. Their cries for relief from their hard labor ascended to God:
God listened to their groanings.
God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.
God saw what was going on with Israel.
God understood. Exodus 2: 23-25 (The Message)
Then, in the male aspect of God’s divine nature, God moves (Exodus 3).
Your Moses
God moves to a man on the run. A man also trapped and enslaved by his beliefs. Moses had been living in the desert for 40 years. He had killed an Egyptian slavemaster and had fled.
Forty years of being shaped by both the harshness and the beauty of the wilderness.
Forty years in the wilderness getting to know the beastProjected and reflected on the greatest and the leastForty years of days and nights — angels hovering nearKept me moving forward though the way was far from clearBruce Cockburn
We all need a Moses. Someone who will speak healing truth to our lies, the concoctions we have created in our minds that keep us enslaved.
It will be Spirit (Holy) nudging, poking, prodding, alluring us to face the falsity.
I will talk to the Father, and he’ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth.  Jesus John 14:16-17
The words of encouragement will come through others. People who have a compelling vision for you that things can be different. Silence will be involved where you have to both wrestle and dance with your own beliefs.
I, Barry, may also be involved. If I can, at the very least, pray for you, then it would be a great privilege. Send me an email via the contact form.
Will it always be like this? I don’t think so. History tells me that change happens. Hope is the dance partner of Faith and Love, so let’s keep seeing where this leads.
Quotes to consider
Despair is what happens when there is a lack of new creation. When things are just are what they are and there is a deep sense of impotence that there is nothing you can do about it. Rob Bell Episode 219 | Jesus H. Christ – Part 9 – Is That His Last Name?
Despair is a spiritual condition. Despair is when you fall under the belief and conviction that tomorrow will simply be a repeat of today. Rob Bell 
Without the inner discipline of faith, most lives end in negativity, blaming, or deep cynicism—without even knowing it. Richard Rohr Page: 24 Eager to Love: The Alternative Way of Francis of Assisi 
Faith is not the clinging to a shrine but an endless pilgrimage of the heart. Abraham Joshua Heschel
When you are no longer able to change, what will God do with you, if you have not yet become what He wants?  D. Riddell
God does not love you if and when you change. God loves you so that you can change. Richard Rohr
Don’t judge the future by the past – the future will be different when new insights and understandings restore hope. David Riddell
Questions to answer
What beliefs are keeping you, enslaved?
What’s it like to know God listens to your groans, remembers the promises, sees your plight, and understands?
What would ‘God moving’ into your situation look like? Would you like an ‘on the run’ convict to be your advocate/ rescuer?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Image cc: Nagy Arnold