Turning the Page

Why Was I Created

It wasn’t random. It wasn’t chance. It wasn’t the roll of some celestial dice or the flip of a coin. Your creation was part of a work of art God has had in mind for all eternity.
I know that’s hard to believe. It seems so vast, immeasurable, and beyond understanding. Mysterious and complex beyond anyone’s ability to grasp into everyday sentences.
If that is true, which I truly believe it is, then why was I created?
I wonder, I pray, I scratch my head and hold the questions up to God.
People send me questions that I in myself don’t have neat, tidy answers. Well, maybe I do, but they probably won’t satisfy or salve a hurting soul.
The recurring answer goes something like this.
We are broken people living in a broken world where broken world decisions and choices are made, but God is in the business of making all things new, so we pray, trust, and hope.
Is that broad enough to envelop your situation?
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Being Faithful with the Little

We often think we can’t do much to change the situations we are in but by being faithful with the little we have we can move mountains. It’s the little things that give you away. 
It seemed such a small thing.
I remember my parents’ daily little habit of reading the Bible. I think they had a daily devotional sitting alongside as they read.
Why I remember this because as a young child I would cuddle in between them as my father would read holy words into the new day.
Little faithful habits build thinking structures that shape the world.
I have written about my mother’s bible faithfully read and little quotes added here and there.
I remember on Sundays going to our place of worship and seeing my father sit in the pew and quietly bow his head in prayer before the service. I’m not sure what he prayed, but maybe it was something like ‘God, I’m here, speak to me.’
My observation of them being faithful with the little taught me a great deal.
Your parents did too. Good and bad. They provided micro-influencers to shape how you see your world and how you understand God.
I believe that how you see God is how you see everything. Never despise the little.
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Can You Pray For Me?

Can you pray for me? How do you respond when someone asks you to pray?
I often get requests for me to pray, but I am often not sure what to pray for. Sometimes the need is very clear, but at other times it is vague.
They want me to pray, to intercede, to present their need, but do they truly know their deepest below the surface needs?
I also wonder if they are paying attention to notice how God might answer their needs? It may be yes and in exactly the way they would like it to happen or yes, but in a completely different way. Maybe the answer will ‘No’ or ‘not yet’?
Will they return and give thanks and worship to God? Or will be like nine out of ten that ignore the giver of good things? (Jesus Heals Ten Men With Leprosy)
As you can see, I ponder over many things when people ask me to pray.
 
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Is This Punishment from God

I haven’t lived a perfect life and I wonder if my problems are punishment from God, but maybe I don’t know the whole story and that God is overflowingly full of grace and mercy.
They wanted retribution. Payback.
A desire for revenge coursed through their veins for what had happened to them, but then, in a whisper of a moment, they thought of what they had done. Perhaps the other also wanted retribution, payback for what they had have done. Perhaps they were seeking revenge against them.
They had stolen from them and now they wanted it all back, plus interest.
If you do the crime then you recieve the punishment until the other is satisfied. But when will they be satisfied? What will truly restore the balance scales of justice to equilibrium?
And their pain seems like a bottomless hole that, try as you might and with all the resources you have, is impossible to fill. You realise that the hole, that dark hole of vacuumous space, has been growing from other intrusions on the soul.
Your crime is but one that has sculptured the walls of the heart.
They want you to pay, but you know nothing within your capability will even begin to calm their pain.
God, the judge, sits and weeps at the mess.
We may look at our suffering and consider that this must be payback from God for what we have done.
We see the suffering of others and make judgments that their suffering is retribution for what they have done. They’re getting what they deserve. Please don’t do this.
 
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You Can’t Make It On Your Own

We think we can do it all, manage life ourselves, but you simply can’t. You discover you can’t make it on your own.
They were told by their closest companion that they should not need others to affirm them. That they should be able to do it themselves. They should be totally self-reliant.
That was poor theology – the way we talk about God.
It drove them even further into dark loneliness.
There is a time and a place where all you truly want to have is the breath of an encouraging word flow over you and into you.
A friend who says, often without words, ‘I am with you, I am present, I know you, and I will not leave you.’
 
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The Power of Love

When you’re depressed or in a psychotic crisis, it’s normal to believe our negativity is everything there is, but the power of love and light is a constant we can tap into.
Guest post by Sónia Monteiro
Pop culture immortalized this sequence of words that gives title to at least two well-known songs, one by Celine Dion, another by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. 
Both poems sing that facet of love between lovers. 
But there is more to love than eros.
According to the great academic and writer C. S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves, there are at least four types of love: Affection, Friendship, Eros and Charity.
All four features provide forms of love transmuted into different aspects of reality that share a common ground, or should I say, a common God.
 
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The Beauty of an Empowering Question

I want to know, and because I want to know I will ask empowering questions. Ones that open up the treasure chest of the heart and mind.
It felt more like an interrogation than an invitation.
Questions poured out. Demanding, angry, harsh questions that sent me into a state of frigid shock.
I had no answers. This was the neighbourhood bully. This was the cat having perverse pleasure with a cornered mouse. This would not end well.
You would think a simple conversation wouldn’t be traumatic, but questions amplified with verbal and non-verbal tones can decimate a soul.
But questions framed in gentleness, love, and respect can also be one of the most healing gifts we can offer.
I call these gifts ’empowering questions.’
A brief history of empowerment
I came across the term ‘Empowerment’ back in the 1990s when I started working in the field of Mental Health care.
Large institutions that housed people with Mental Illnesses were closing down. 
People who once lived in isolated separation from communities were now living in houses next to your own. 
It had a big, long fancy word – deinstitutionalization. 
Deinstitutionalization – in sociology, movement that advocates the transfer of mentally disabled people from public or private institutions, such as psychiatric hospitals, back to their families or into community-based homes. Britannica
Coming from an environment where much of ones personal powers had been taken away, this was a time where people had freedom to choose. 
A new buzz word appeared in the conversations of everyone in Mental Health care. 
Empowerment. 
Empowerment meant to equip, encourage, and foster personal choice. 
I remember supporting a young man in his early twenties. He had been living in an institution for probably five years and his aging mother had managed his money all his life, giving him some pocket money each week. 
I asked him if he would like to manage his own money and he said he would. So he and I began the slow empowering process of opening a bank account. A completely foreign idea to him. We also talked about budgeting. 
We talked about this with his mother, and she was furious. She believed he was totally incapable of managing money. She withdrew him out of our support. I can’t tell you the rest of the story because I simply don’t know. 
Empowerment for me became the undergirding word for everything I do. Still does. 
Where are you walking?
French writer Albert Camus puts it well.
Don’t walk in front of me… I may not followDon’t walk behind me… I may not leadWalk beside me… just be my friendAlbert Camus 
I would suggest to Albert that to empower someone is to even be a fraction behind the other so that they feel they are making the advances.
Being in front means they are simply followers, walking in your wake.
Being behind them, they may feel isolated, alone, vulnerable.
But walking beside and slightly behind is an invitation to trust and to step forward.
Feet slightly behind.
I think this empowering pose is captured in the post crucifixion story of Jesus’ walk to Emmaus
Now that same day, two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem.
They were talking with each other about everything that had happened.
As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him. Luke 24:13-16
Jesus joined them on the journey. He walked along with them.
There is an invitation for us to be empowered by the risen Christ.
Jesus asks empowering questions 
It has been reckoned that in the stories we have recorded of Jesus’ life, we find him asking over 300 questions. We also have his beautiful parables that contain within them questions created to empower us into a multitude of new thinking paths. 
One of the Jesus stories that shouts ’empowerment’ to me is that of  Bartimaues.
They came to Jericho. As he and his disciples and a large crowd were leaving Jericho, Bartimaeus son of Timaeus, a blind beggar, was sitting by the roadside. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout out and say, ‘Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!’ 
Many sternly ordered him to be quiet, but he cried out even more loudly, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’ 
Jesus stood still and said, ‘Call him here.’ And they called the blind man, saying to him, ‘Take heart; get up, he is calling you.’ 
So throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. 
Then Jesus said to him, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ The blind man said to him, ‘My teacher, let me see again.’ 
Jesus said to him, ‘Go; your faith has made you well.’ Immediately he regained his sight and followed him on the way. Mark 10:46-52
It should have been obvious that he would want his sight to be restored, but no, Jesus still asked an empowering question. He put the power back into the hands of Bartimaeus.
How to ask empowering questions
Look above, look below, look behind and look in front.
I think of a large iceberg floating in the ocean.
Look above the waterline refers to what is being presented right here and now. It’s obvious, you know it they know it, it’s easily seen. Bartimaues is blind and a beggar. 
The look below is the below the surface level observation. What’s going on under what is being presented. What is supporting the obvious ‘above the surface’ level? Bartimaues is alone, poor, crying out for mercy. Deep pain.
The look behind is a question of where has this iceberg been? What has shaped this person? What’s the story? What was Bartimaues journey to this place of need?
The look in front is where is this iceberg going. Where could it go? What is a compelling vision for this person? Where is Bartimaues going within the current he lives in?
Jesus asks ‘What do you want me to do for you?’
Empowering questions open up the exploration. 
Empowering questions give the other power to be honest, vulnerable and even wrong in the face of love and possible rejection. 
I believe that we all want to be known, explored, discovered, and touched. There is something deep within needs presence more than the problem solving.
I want first things first.
I wonder if Bartimaues wanted his sight to be restored so that his life would be better or that he would be able to see Jesus.
Now that’s a big question! He got both.
Augustine and C. S. Lewis
Two quotes for you to consider.
 
“Suppose God proposed to you a deal and said, ‘I will give you anything you want. You can possess the whole world. Nothing will be impossible for you … Nothing will be a sin, nothing forbidden. You will never die, never have pain, never have anything you do not want and always have anything you do want–except for just one thing: you will never see my face.’Augustine closed with a question: “Did a chill rise in your hearts, when you heard the words, “you will never see my face?” That chill is the most precious thing in you; that is the pure love of God.”
Put first things first and we get second things thrown in: put second things first and we lose both first and second things. C. S. Lewis
Deep empowering questions discern, with a gentle curiosity, what is first and what is second.
What is it you most want? Restoration of sight? A better life now? To be in control when all seems to be mystery and fog?
I like to ask empowering questions because they reveal the Emmaus walk that I am part of with others.
So, what’s it like being you?
I’m curious? 🙂 barry@turningthepage.co.nz 
 
Quotes to consider
 The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the quality of the questions you are asking yourself. Anthony Robbins
Christianity is one beggar telling another beggar where he found bread. D.T. Niles
When we become quiet enough to let go of people, we learn compassion for them. We can be with people in their hurt and need. We can speak a word out of our inner silence that will set them free. Richard Foster Simplicity 
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. Henri J.M. Nouwen
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said. Peter Drucker
Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel or corrections. With such questions, we help “hear each other into deeper speech.” Parker J. Palmer.
When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. Parker J. Palmer.
Good work is relational, and its outcomes depend on what we are able to evoke from each other. Parker J. Palmer
It is usually most helpful to ask questions that are more about the person than about the problem. Parker J. Palmer 
There are questions which illuminate, and there are those that destroy. We should ask the first kind. Isador Rabi.
Questions to answer
How does it feel when someone asks you deep, empowering questions?
What would it take for you to learn to ask empowering questions?
What is it you most need right here and right now?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Lauren Richmond on Unsplash
 
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The Plans God Has For You

Midst the struggle you wonder about the plans God has for you. I thought it was all about prosperity, but this is far from that. 
Some things don’t make sense.
It wasn’t meant to be like this. I didn’t see this as my future. How did I get here?
Questions and ponderings flow through the brain, and we wonder if God is there at all.
People say things that feel like grains of sand being rubbed into an open wound. 
You need more faith
Pray more
Give more
God intends for you to prosper
Try harder
You’ve got sin in your life
You need to forgive
God has plans for you
You wonder about the end product. Where is all this going?  
Can anything good come out of this mess I am in? 
You try to work it all out, but it’s all a bit of a puzzle. A jig-saw puzzle.
Jig-Saw puzzle 
I think when I’m 94, if I make it to that age, I might be able to see how a few pieces have fitted together and something Godly good has emerged. 
At this moment, I still wonder how. It’s a mystery. 
I think it’s a bit like being given a 10000 piece jigsaw puzzle without the accompanying picture of what the puzzle will look like. Mountain scene, tropical birds, an old house. You have no idea. 
To complicate it even further, there are no straight edged pieces. This puzzle could seemingly go on forever. No easy parts for you to make a quick start with nice neat borders. 
So you make a start and find a few pieces that connect. This one fits in here and maybe this one will go here.
You notice that a lot of the pieces look the same. In fact, it looks like this complete puzzle has only slight shade differences to it. There is a lot of sky!
I thought this life was meant to be easy. No complications. Straightforward and simple, yet it’s more like a vast blue sky puzzle.
Did you ever think that mystery was in the plans God has for you?
Held in someone’s thoughts
I often receive requests for prayer. (email me at barry@turningthepage.co.nz if you want)
There is pain, loss, and desperation.
First, I believe, they want God to act in certain ways. But I also think there is a deep, probably unconscious, need to feel that someone else knows the struggle. 
That they are being held in someone’s thoughts.  
They want to be held, known and loved by at least one other person. Being alone and completely abandoned is the worst of crimes we can do to each other. 
I hold people in my thoughts during the day. Prayers form around Spirit nudges for this person and that person.
Their puzzle is jig-saw messy, like mine.
Then someone quotes Jeremiah 29:11, and especially the translation that has the word ‘prosper’. 
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
At this point, I understand why Jesus got angry and picked up a whip. 
Bitterly cold comfort to someone dying from cancer, or having had their house burn to ashes. 
We hear the word ‘plan’ and we think blueprint, map, already laid out for us.
We hear the word ‘prosper’ and we go to what the world considers as prosperity – the good life of health, wealth, beautiful people, and anything advertised to us as what will bring us personal fulfillment.
Yet here we are, like Job, sitting in an ash heap picking at our sores.
Quite frankly, I wish some people would just shut up and keep their band-aid clap trap verses for their own happy face mask wearing friends. 
In the original Hebrew, this verse would most likely be read in this way.
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you says Yahweh thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope Jeremiah 29:11
Thoughts. 
Thoughts that God thinks towards us.
Thoughts of peace, a future, a hope.
Reality hits that we are not there yet.
We, like the people of Israel that this verse was originally intended for, are in exile from the home always intended for us.
Forsaken
There are some words, that we may know from hearing them so often because people have said them to us as little mantras.
Forsaken, I believe, could be one of those words.
He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Forsaken means to be remote, absent, depart from. 
In God’s thoughts, you always held, loved, known, even though you may feel in exile and in a strange land.
God is on the move with thoughts and intentions to bring you to jig-saw puzzle completion with no pieces missing or in the wrong place.
Jig-saw pieces move and clip together. Sometimes awkwardly, sometimes with ease. We look at our life and see how God’s thoughts have been shaping the puzzle.
Amid the pain of the present day, we know we are held, loved and known.  
Perhaps you have to change your thinking about the plans God has for you.
Quotes to consider
The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God. Rob Bell 
When you stand before Me [God] in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust. When you can’t figure Me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy of freedom and hope. Larry Crabb 66 Love letters – Job
Control eventually gives way to mystery and the letting go of control. Suddenly, we are not in charge. Rohr, Richard . The Wisdom Pattern: Order, Chaos, Reorder
Real silence, real stillness, really holding one’s tongue comes only as the sober consequence of spiritual stillness. Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Questions to answer
When you hear the words ‘I have thoughts towards you’ what is your first reaction? Why that reaction?
A jig-saw puzzle unfolds itself as the pieces come together. Have you seen this happen in your life?
What does prosperity look like to you? How is it portyaed to you through modern media? What do you think Gods view of being propserous looks like?
Further reading
Barry PearmanPhoto by Jonny Gios on Unsplash
 
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When No One Understands You. 11 Reasons

When no one understands you, it can create a deep sense of loneliness. Perhaps there are reasons for the lack of being known. Forgive them anyway.
They were carrying something precious. Their inner world. Thoughts, feelings, motivations, desires, pains, and joys. Everything that goes on within their life and sometimes it’s heavy, very heavy. Too heavy for one dusty human to carry.
They needed a soul carrier. Someone who they could download the struggle to, safely. But the strongest memory of when they had done this was that their vulnerability had been thrown to the pigs.
It’s like you have found the most beautiful pearl in the world and you sell everything to buy it. You carry it with you and only show it to those you think will value it like you do. But instead they look at it, dismiss it as garbage, and then throw it to the pigs who grind it to sand.
Who is safe? Who will listen? Who cares about the beauty of the pearl within? Who is safe for in-to-me-see?
I want that. We all want that.
I want them to understand the hurt they have done. There is anger growing inside of me because of their actions, but I know that my pain will be shot down even more. There’s no point.
This is the dilemma. The tension point that I hear so often in people that download to me.
The loneliness, frustration, pain at not being heard or understood. Underneath is a desire to be known, but it’s like everyone has shields raised to stop the penetration of anything that might be uncomfortable.
It might be helpful to understand why people act in this way. Why they don’t understand?
When no one understands you.
Here are some potential reasons.
Too busy. They simply have too much going on to be able to listen to the depth you need. Forgive them anyway.
Your stuff is triggering. You say a few words and instantly something gets triggered in them. Unbearable feelings get generated. They go to pain places in their own lives. Naturally, they put defences up. Forgive them anyway.
There is a consequence on them. What you’re saying means they have to take responsibility for things they have done. They don’t want to. Forgive them anyway.
Cognitive difficulties. They may not have the cognitive ability to understand.. I think of those with A.D.H.D., Autism, Alzheimers and other cognitive disabilities. They simply struggle to understand. Forgive them anyway.
You think differently from others. I think of the cartoon character Yogi Bear, saying about himself that he was “smarter than the average bear”. You’re not better or worse than others. You and your personality type are simply different from others. You’re different to the ‘average bear’. So others are going to find you difficult to understand. Forgive them anyway. 
They are trapped within F.A.S.S. mentality. You don’t want to be F.A.S.S.ed – Fixed, Advised, Saved, or Set straight. You simply want to be heard. But if every problem is a nail and they are a hammer, then they will always treat you as a nail. Forgive them anyway.
They don’t know how to ask gently curious questions. They simply have’nt learned how to ask gently curious questions. There is a learning that hasnt happened. I wonder why they have’nt learned this yet? Forgive them anyway. 
They are uncomfortable with mystery. They like logic. No mystery, nothing unsolved or unresolved. You come with questions and mystery, and it confuses them. Forgive them anyway. 
You’re talking in another language. Not just language, but in terms, words, and concepts they do not understand. Forgive them anyway. 
They haven’t been there themselves. You share a story that they cant connect to their own life experience. Forgive them anyway. 
Impatience. They want you to move faster, get to the end. You feel a pressure to keep things light. Forgive them anyway.  
 
Can you forgive them?
I think Jesus deeply felt the experience of not being fully understood.
My thoughts go to the night before his crucifixion. Anxiety and pain coursing through his veins so much so that he sweated blood.
No one understood him. Even his closest friends, his soul mates, went to sleep on him. He was utterly humanly alone.
He forgave them anyway. He knew their human weaknesses.
Even as he was dying, he defended our human fallibilities. He didn’t seek rightful justice and retribution against our dust.
When they came to the place that is called The Skull, they crucified Jesus there with the criminals, one on his right and one on his left.
Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.’ Luke 23:32-34
So often the people we hope for understanding and closeness are the ones that hurt us the most. Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.
A World of Listeners
I hope that one of the outcomes of my writing and podcasts is that the world will have more listeners. People who might know a little more of what they are doing.
It seems to me that to find someone who will listen you deeply to a place where you feel you understood requires payment. Therapists, counsellors, psychologists etc all have a role, but I wonder if much of what they do could be done by people who know how to listen well.
Maybe we also need more older men and women on front porches. I remember a psychologist lamenting the loss of the old lady on the porch, welcoming the young mums into their homes for earthy wisdom. Older men working with younger men, and a passing on of the baton of age old wisdom.
We also need more third places. Places where we can go to for relationship, conversation, and hope.
But most of all, it’s over to you to be what you want from others. To be the deep listener and not an ‘average bear.’
When people present to you the beautiful pearl of themselves (Matthew 13:45-46), please don’t dismiss it and throw it to the pigs. Matthew 7:6
 
Quotes to consider
I want us to relate to one another, not as moralist to sinner or therapist to patient, but as saint to saint, father to child, friend to friend, as true lovers, with the confidence that we can help each other believe that, by the grace of God, there is something good beneath the mess. Even when all we can see is the mess, I want us to believe that we can nourish the good and encourage its release.  Larry Crabb Connecting
Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself” C. S. Lewis The Four Loves
Sensitive listeners respond to comments with words that convey an interest in hearing more, sentences that open the door to information.  Words that open doors transmit two messages: 1. ‘I am interested in whatever you have to say.’ 2.’I will accept you regardless of what you say.’ Larry Crabb Encouragement: The Unexpected Power of  Building Others Up
Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel or corrections. With such questions, we help “hear each other into deeper speech.” Parker J. Palmer.
When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. Parker J. Palmer.
Good work is relational, and its outcomes depend on what we are able to evoke from each other. Parker J. Palmer
It is usually most helpful to ask questions that are more about the person than about the problem. Parker J. Palmer
Questions to answer
What happens to you when you don’t feel heard and understood?
Out of all the eleven reasons given, what resonated the most with you? Could you add a twelfth reason?
Why are we so quick to Fix, Advise, Save or Set straight?
Further reading
Barry Pearman
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A Life Controlled by Lies

Events happen in life, and we can get controlled by the lies we believe as truth, but there is hope. 
It is a memory seared into my brain.
I’m at an age now I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, but this is among those memories that I doubt I’ll ever forget. And it is a memory I want to retain, painful as it is.
It was my night to be the on-call chaplain at the hospital, and I was summoned to the emergency room because a man had been brought in, and the staff needed me to interface with his family as they arrived.
First to arrive was the man’s daughter, who was probably 11 or 12 years old, and her brother, who was perhaps two years younger, along with their stepmother. I guided them to the family waiting room and told them there was no news from the medical staff yet.
The daughter largely ignored me the rest of the evening. She was the perfect hostess for the other family and friends arriving. Her brother mostly stood silently in one corner of the room, staring blankly into space.
I made several trips to the treatment room and knew the man would not survive. When a patient did not survive, it was the doctor’s job to inform the family, but in situations like this, it was my task to pave the way for bad news by saying things like, “It’s not looking very hopeful right now,’ and then doing my best to comfort the family.
About 45 minutes passed before the doctors finally conceded that they could not revive him, and the primary ER doctor summoned me and asked me to pray with him before we went back into the family waiting room to give them the terrible news that their husband, son, father, and friend was dead.
If I had been a better daughter
The doctor assured the family that every measure had been taken to save his life but that they could not revive him.
There was an immediate outpouring of profound grief, but the young daughter finally turned to speak to me for the first time. With tears welling in her eyes, she asked me, “Chaplain, if I had been a better daughter, would Daddy not have killed himself?”
Then she collapsed against me and began to sob. Huge, uncontrollable sobbing. Her younger brother came over to me, collapsed against me, and began sobbing. 
I felt my tears join theirs, and I looked up to realize that the man’s mother, the children’s grandmother, was looking at me through her tears. She had now lost a second son to suicide. She asked me a question.
She was not angry. She just really needed to understand. She asked, “Why Chaplain? How can a good God let things like this happen?”
She didn’t expect an answer, thank God. She just needed to express what she was feeling.
I have no idea what I could have told her then that would have helped.
I have no idea what I could have told the man’s daughter that would have helped.
When her sobs abated somewhat, I finally was able to tell her that what had happened was not her fault and that sometimes people do things we do not understand, and that what her father had done did not mean he did not love her.
I am curious to know if it sank in.
I have doubts that it did.
Children’s misconceptions
Children usually think everything is about them, and words do not usually prevent that misconception from taking hold,
I’ve often thought of that young girl over the years. She would likely be in her early 40s by now.
Has she lived under the terrible burden of believing her father’s suicide was her fault?
Have her relationships suffered because she feels like she is damaged goods?
Did she ever find the comfort of Christ?
That has been my prayer for her – that somehow she experienced the love of Christ, who is the only one who can heal soul wounds like the one she suffered.
Her grandmother has likely moved on from this life, but I wonder about her, too.
I’m sure, like Job, she never got an answer to her questions, but did she, like Job, experience God in such a way that the questions did not matter anymore? That was my prayer for her.
A life controlled by lies
So many of us live a life controlled by lies life tells us.
Life seems tilted that way.
Advertising only serves to reinforce those lies.
I watched a little television recently and intentionally watched the commercials for a time.
I learned some interesting things about myself. I was too fat, my gray hair was off-putting, and I needed to restore it to its original dark brown.
Because I suffer from ED (Erectile Dysfunction), I’m less than a man, and no woman would ever want to be with me.
I drive the wrong car, use the wrong toothpaste, eat the wrong food, wear unhip shoes, wear the wrong clothing, and use the wrong telephone.
Apparently, I’m of no use to anyone.
If it weren’t for the love of Christ that assures me that I am loved, I, too, might be tempted to end it all.
So what lies still govern your life?
You probably have to dig into your childhood to find the root of many of the lies, but, like the grandmother in this story, some lies attach themselves to us as we go through adulthood, too.
The enemy lies to us continually.
Jesus warned us that he would. He called him the “Father of all lies.” John 8:44
Jesus though is the truth, and, as he said, the truth sets us free. John 8:31-32
Many of us do not understand that the truth that sets us free isn’t some spoken concept – it is a living person – Jesus. It is an ongoing, vibrant relationship with Jesus that keeps us free from the lies the enemy wants us to believe.
I’ve struggled with guilt and shame for much of my life because of things that happened to me when I was young and the things I’ve done as a result.
When I mess up as an adult, those feelings of shame and guilt can well up inside me again, and it’s easy for me to think I’m nothing but a failure.
But the words of Paul at the end of Romans chapter eight have become bedrock for me, calling me back to life and reminding me who and whose I am.
“For I am convinced that neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
Thank God for the One who is the truth!
Quotes to consider
The warfare that the Christian is involved with is the battle between true and mistaken beliefs. It is warring for reality against the delusional world of lies. Which side will you take? David Riddell
The chief thief is the belief beneath, the subconscious is always the power behind the decisions we make and the outcomes we experience. David Riddell
God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be or wish we were.  My job is to pay attention to where I am.  When I enter my reality (my red-dot truth), He brings His reality, His truth, into mine.  Truth is a two-way street.  When I avoid my truth, I nod politely, and I might even smile or say amen when I hear His.  But not much happens.  God’s truth does not set free a pretending or hiding heart. Larry Crabb
The journey into total mental health begins with a commitment to come out of delusion into reality, no matter what the cost. D. Riddell
Questions to answer
What experiences have you had where you have realised you have been living under a false perception or a lie?
What does advertising want to tell you about yourself?
What was your heart reaction when you read that little girl’s belief that if she had been ‘better,’ then her father would not have killed himself?
Further reading
This is a guest post from Bruce Swartz
Bruce Swartz is a husband, father, and grandfather to a family he loves. Both he and his wife are abuse survivors. God eventually lead him to undertake training as a trauma therapist. Even in retirement, he occasionally walks beside a wounded person who needs a companion in their journey of recovery. He lives in Champaign, Illinois, USA, and can be reached by email.
Other posts by Bruce –
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