Turning the Page

Episode 11 Stop ‘Shoulding’ and Start ‘Coulding’ Yourself

‘Shoulds’ can pile up on the shoulders and shape our thinking. But we have efficacy. We have the power to make a change and stop ‘shoulding.’ We don’t have to live under the slavery of a ‘should.’
It was always the same message. ‘You should be doing better.’ 
‘You’re not getting as good as grades as Bill and Clive runs faster than you. What’s the matter with you? You’re just not trying hard enough’. 
Taken on as messages of personal performance, we start to ‘should’ on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and make judgments about our performance. 
‘Well, at least I’m not like them’ or ‘I’m not as good as them.’ The pendulum swings from pride to self-loathing. 
We are given very clear messages about who we are to measure up against, and it is always someone else. 
The ‘should’ on the shoulder
Recently I won an escooter in a competition.
It’s pretty cool, and I decided to take it out for a spin. I came back, was telling my wife about my ride and how much fun it was. But then I went out, and some random bird had dropped a poop bomb on it.
How accurate was that bombing raid? Right where I put my feet was this white splash of bird poop. I should have brought it inside.
Many of us have been ‘shoulded on’ for much of our lives.
The ‘shoulds’ of others morphe into our internal voice. An inner critic sitting permanently within us expressing little snipes and barbs.
The Yoke of a ‘should.’
The ‘shoulds’ add up to become an obligatory oppressive weight bearing down on the shoulders.
I’ve known people who seem to be more like a beast of burden than a person of freedom.
A beast of burden is an animal that is used to carry heavy loads or to pull a cart or plow. The animal has little choice in the matter. The yoke is placed upon it, and it must labor under its rigidity.
But we are not beasts of burden. We have choice and efficacy, the power to make a change.
The shoulds of religion
Religion has many ‘shoulds.’ The rules, the expectations, the rites of passage. All the little shoulds, both spoken and unspoken.
Here is but a few
Go to church every Sunday
Give a certain percentage of income
Stand while you sing
Pray a certain amount of times each day
Wear these types of clothes
All of the ‘shoulds’ can carry a subtle little message. If you do these behaviors, then you will fit in, life will work out, and God will be pleased with you.
The power of a ‘could.’
To disempower a ‘should,’ you need to replace it with a ‘could’ and then ask why.
If a ‘should’ implies obligation and offers a condemnation burden, then ‘could’ speaks of choice, efficacy, and the gift of options.
‘I should have called Dave’ can be changed to ‘I could have called Dave but didn’t because I don’t have his phone number.’
‘I should have Daves phone number’  can be changed to ‘I could get Daves phone number by calling Jim.’
If you’re ‘shoulding’ on yourself, dig a little deeper and ask why.
If others are ‘shoulding’ on, you ask why? Does it say more about them than it does about you? Are their expectations realistic to what you know about yourself?
Kristen struggles with anxiety and depression. She routinely stays in bed all day. It’s a dark world. On the outside, she looks healthy, able to function ok, and have a few friends.
So when her family says ‘You should get a job’ it’s like a sack of cement lands on her soul. She thinks, ‘I am useless. All my friends have jobs, boyfriends and I don’t.’ Shame crushes her back into her bed.
Perhaps though she could say to herself. ‘Do they know about depression, anxiety? Do they know how many times I have tried to stick at a job? Yes, I could have a job, but I know that at this stage of my recovery, having a job would cause me a lot of stress, too much for me to handle. Instead, my ‘job’ is getting well, going to see my counselor, exercise, and mindfulness.’
Kristen finds freedom from the ‘shoulds.’ The ‘coulds’ offer her the power to take the next step. Its all about the options, not the obligations.
‘I could have done that, but why didn’t I? Perhaps I need to explore why.’
A lighter yoke
A wise farmer will craft a yoke to the shape of the animal so that it is comfortable and doesn’t rub harshly.
Recently I met a lady whose business was to custom make saddles for horses. She would come and measure both the horse and the rider and then create a saddle that would be perfect for them both.
Here is what Jesus said.
 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30
I imagine Jesus coming and lifting off a heavy yoke of ‘shoulds’. Then moment by moment, shaping a yoke that fits perfectly to you. It’s light, comfortable, and serves instead of enslaves.
Quotes to consider
The answer to having too much obligation in your life is to own your own choice – to quit playing the victim’s role and risk disappointing someone.  D. Riddell
Love wins over guilt any day. It is sad that we settle for the short-run effectiveness of shaming people instead of the long-term life benefits of grace-filled transformation. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
In the moments of insecurity and crisis, “shoulds” and “oughts” don’t really help; they just increase the shame, guilt, pressure, and likelihood of backsliding. It’s the deep “yeses” that carry you through. Focusing on something you absolutely believe in, that you’re committed to, will help you wait it out. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. Lao Tzu
Should; shouldn’t; ought; oughtn’t—the enemies of contentment. Frank Delaney
It’s hard to feel excited about God’s love when all your religion consists of is ‘count your blessings, pay your tithes, kick the devil, and don’t skip Church’. D. Riddell
Real self-esteem comes from within; it is the existential, spiritual truth that we have value and worth intrinsically, because we are here and breathing, not because of anything we have or can do, nor how others regard us. Terrence Real
Questions to consider
How have ‘shoulds’ dominated your life?
What would a well-fitting lighter yoke look like to you?
A ‘could’ asks a question. Do you think ‘coulding’ might be more helpful than ‘shoulding’?
Further Reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

Episode 10 Washing the Memories Free of Trauma

Some trauma memories keep us locked into our past. But there is a cleansing that can happen. We need to bring ourselves to the presence of one who will wash us pure.
I didn't know what to do when they were sharing some of the stories of their past. I had known this person for decades, but only now, they were sharing something new, painful, and full of trauma.
It explained why they held certain beliefs, behaved in specific ways, and seemed to be haunted by a ghost of the past.
What could I do to help them with the wafting stench of an old trauma that was once again drowning their present?
You want to go back and stop the trauma, but there is no time machine.
Perhaps a quick prayer and get out of the trauma zone A.S.A.P.
'This person needs professional help,' and a thought of an escape route appears.
The shame of another time 
A dominant feature of when you have these terrible memories is the utter shame that you have them. You fear to have them exposed. You don't want anyone to know.
So you hide and try and sort them out yourself.
You feel like you're a 'second class citizen' to God, of being on the outside.
Everyone else is pure, good, and clean. God would love them but not you. Why would God love you with all this trauma? Not good enough.
Memories and traumas can pollute the thinking and stigmatize the soul. They shut down the true self from expressing itself.
In biblical times, and even in many countries today, there were a group of people kept on the outside of society. They were the lepers.
No one was to come near them. They certainly could not come before God. There were holiness requirements needed to be met. Washing, ritual inspection by priests, sacrifices, all required before connection and acceptance.
Jesus washes
Jesus was one that was known for connecting deeply with those on the outside of acceptability. This was offensive to some.
He was also pretty harsh to those who felt outward appearance ('I've got my life together') was more important than the inner life.
Blind Pharisees! First cleanse the inside of the cup, and then the whole cup will be clean.
“Woe to you, Pharisees, and you religious leaders! You are like beautiful mausoleums—full of dead men’s bones, and of foulness and corruption. You try to look like saintly men, but underneath those pious robes of yours are hearts besmirched with every sort of hypocrisy and sin. Matthew 23:26-28
In one of the most beautiful stories of Jesus, we find him washing feet. He takes on the role of the lowest servant in a household and washes the feet of his friends.
He got up from the supper table, set aside his robe, and put on an apron. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of the disciples, drying them with his apron. John 13:4, 5
Jesus turns the world upside down. His disciples then and now are still in shock.
Sprinkling you clean
We used to have to wash before coming to God (Exodus 30:20), now God washes us.
For here’s what I’m going to do: I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean. I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. Ezekiel 36:25 
Those memories, traumas, moments where your life course was transgressed, they can be washed clean.
It won't take the event away, but the washing will clean off the pus and heal the wound.
The expression of a love that is greater than the trauma experienced will overwhelm the pain of the memory.
We learn of something greater than that which has locked us down to the past.
Our feet sense the presence of walking an ancient path of goodness.
Stand at the crossroads, and look,    and ask for the ancient paths,where the good way lies; and walk in it,    and find rest for your souls. Jeremiah 6:16
How to be washed
Washing is a matter of ongoing prayerful attentiveness.
As memories come and float into your awareness, capture them.
Invite Christ to come with a bowl of pure, clean, sparkling water. Water that is full of truth and love.
See Christ pour water over your brain that washes through every neural pathway that contains those memories — replacing the pain with his presence.
Ask Christ to debunk the memory of the pain and fill it with an awareness of him.
Repeat this over and over again. Every time a trigger is pulled present yourself to the high priest (Christ) for cleansing.
Traumatic memories don't have to keep you bound to another time. We can ask Christ to wash our thinking with his presence.
Quotes to consider
Grace is amazing, by disorienting us it properly orients us. Ronald Rolheiser
Love acts like a giant magnet that pulls out of us, like iron filings, every recorded injury, every scar. Terrence Real
The key to growing any psychological resource, including compassion, is to have repeated experiences of it that get turned into lasting changes in neural structure or function. Rick Hanson.
We cannot attain the presence of God. We‘re already totally in the presence of God. What’s absent is awareness Richard Rohr 
Redeemed pain is more impressive than removed pain Phillip Yancey Renovare podcast - Redeemed Pain
God's healing has more to do with learning to worship than it does with getting life fixed. Craig Barnes 
Questions to answer
What is your immediate internal response to someone sharing pain?
How would you respond to Christ washing you?
How are we to grow awareness of Christ with us and his desire to wash our painful memories?
Further reading
https://turningthepage.info/dirt-spit-mud-and-6-things-to-learn-about-healing/
https://turningthepage.info/six-keys-on-how-to-pray-for-the-healing-of-a-mental-illness/
https://turningthepage.info/is-my-mental-illness-because-of-sin-in-my-life/
Photo by Taylor Harding on Unsplash

Episode 9 Three Responses to Chaos

When chaos comes, or we become aware of the mess we are in, we have choices to make. Charge at it, retreat from it, or engage in the mystery.  
All the nicely laid out plans had been turned upside down. I had a recipe for life, and now all the measurements and list of ingredients had fallen off the page. It was a mess, chaos.
The question was what to do next.
The word chaos comes from the Greek word khaos – denoting a gaping void or chasm.
You’ve been there, I’m sure.
To varying degrees, we have all faced times when life was disordered, seemingly out of control, messy. It could be a relationship breakup, illness, job loss, a hurting family member or friend. Really anything that shakes your life to the core.
There is also the daily chaos that you walk in. Nothing is ever straight forward. There are always challenges, obstacles, and areas of confusion.
You want to move forward, but you don’t know-how.
You might retreat from the chasm, but it’s still there.  In that ‘no – mans land’ of indecision, depression and anxiety stalk around you looking to take you down.
I have found that there are generally three responses to chaos.
Three responses to chaos
We charge at the chaosI think of the biblical character of Samson taking on his world of chaos with all his muscular strength. He runs right into the battle, arms flailing, war cry, stamping his will on the problem. However, instead of heroic success, he ends up as a prisoner with his eyes gouged out.
 
Then there is Peter on the mountain when Christ meets with Elijah and Moses. He has to do something. He looks at the chaos and offers to make a tent. Matthew 17:1-4
We do the same. Its easy to make snap judgments, speak when we need to listen, determine how things should be. We act without consideration.
We run from chaosPerhaps the chaos will be resolved without my involvement.God brought chaos to Jonah, and he ran. Moses ran into the desert and Elijah into a cave.
 
We want to avoid the struggle.
The chaos seems too much, and so we run and hide.
Like Adam and Eve, we gather up a few fig leaves and try to hide our vulnerability and nakedness.
We engage in the mystery
All of the characters above had to come to a place where they engaged in the mystery of the chaos.
Life is not like a crime novel where the mystery is solved and you, the observer, can return knowing that all is well in the world.
Engaging with the chaos involves moving into it and asking questions which may have no clear cut answers.
We enter a dark room.  Stoping, we let our eyes adjust to the darkness and try to remember what we know of the layout.  We pray for the first glimmers of sunrise.
How to engage with mystery
The first mention of chaos in the Bible is in the very first verses of the creation poem. It sets the stage for the rest of life.
The earth was without form [formlessness, confusion, unreality, emptiness]  and void [emptiness], and darkness [darkness, obscurity] was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering [to grow soft, relax] over the face of the waters. Genesis 1:2   Bible Hub
Over that place of chaos and mystery, God was in a place of softness, relaxed with what was happening. No stressing out.
Gods invite is to become relaxed with mystery and chaos, knowing that something good can creatively come out of it.
We then speak and ask for light to appear.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Genesis 1:3
We speak questions into this chaos, knowing full well that there may be no clear cut answers.
Then we listen for whispers of truth to guide our stumbling.  We pray for light to be spoken into darkness. A glimmer we can hold onto.
Mystery and chaos do not have to be feared. In the chaos, there is an invite to trust.
Quotes to consider
“I want to be part of a church that neither reduces mystery to formulas to get what I want nor describes the Christian life in such lofty, abstract terms that I stay lost in the fog.  I want my church to help me identify the categories I can think in and reflect on as I decide how to navigate my way through life, as I make the thousand decisions that life requires me to make every day and handle its thousand challenges.” Larry Crabb Real Church,  Chapter 17, “Signposts Pointing into the Fog,” pp. 104
Masculinity begins to grow when a man asks questions for which he knows there are no answers. No man can escape the sphere of mystery. If he lives in relationship and has any desire at all for the relationship to work, he will face unsolvable confusion. If a man is to be fully a man, he must learn what it means to move in darkness. And that will require him to admit “I don’t know what to do” with a despair so real that no recipe will help. Larry Crabb The Silence of Adam pg 66
Am I willing to move into the mystery of relationship with another human being, renouncing all efforts to control the outcome?” Larry Crabb The Silence of Adam pg 110
The word change normally refers to new beginnings. But transformation more often happens not when something new begins but when something old falls apart. The pain of something old falling apart—disruption and chaos—invites the soul to listen at a deeper level. It invites and sometimes forces the soul to go to a new place because the old place is not working anymore. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
Change can either help people to find a new meaning, or it can cause people to close down and turn bitter. The difference is determined by the quality of our inner life, or what we call “spirituality.” Change of itself just happens; spiritual transformation is an active process of letting go, living in the confusing dark space for a while, and allowing yourself to be spit up on a new and unexpected shore. You can see why Jonah in the belly of the whale is such an important symbol for many Jews and Christians. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
The Jewish community has a unique expression to describe this Creator: “He who spoke and the world came into being.” He is a God who uses language to establish relationship. He does not retreat from darkness and chaos. Rather, he speaks into it. And after his creative activity, he keeps the Sabbath.  Larry Crabb The Silence of Adam pg 90
Questions to answer
What is your most natural response to chaos?
How does it feel to ask questions where there are no clear cut answers?
Have you had a ‘belly of a big fish’ experience? How dark was it?
Further reading
Life’s not Fair! There is a Mystery to be Known
Only Brave People Come Here – The Place of the Soul
Barry Pearman
Photo by Giga Khurtsilava on Unsplash

Episode 8 Every Footprint Needs Affirmation

Often life can feel like it's one step forward and two steps back, but with a few words of affirmation, another step can be taken. Affirm the small footprints of the struggle and evoke the good to grow.
He knew many people didn't like him. He had made commitments then broken them. His struggles were well known, and many had tried to help him, but he had burned them out. He was affirmation hungry.
There are many people out there that simply need a hug and to be told 'You're doing okay.'
Are you one of them?
I remember someone years ago suggesting to me that supporting people with Mental Illnesses is like seeing people taking one step forward and then two steps back.
Yes, there was some truth in this, but this person had not seen the journey underneath the relapse — the little learnings along the route of struggle and the necessity to affirm any steps taken.
Can I affirm you?
The word 'affirmation' has a populist movement attached to it.
Self-help gurus encourage you to have a set of affirmations that you say to yourself each day to promote new beliefs and behaviors in your life.
But I have found that the very best affirmations have come from those who have listened well to the steps forward and the slipping steps back. They keep listening and offering me encouraging truth.
'I believe in you.'
'We can do this together.'
'You're not alone.'
'You have value.'
To affirm is to assert that something is true. There is a solid assurance, a strengthening of position.
When Sarah laughed
The bible tells the story of Abraham and Sarah and how God came to them in old age to say to them, they were to have a baby. Sarah laughs at this announcement.
It wasn't a laugh of joy. It was a laugh of disbelief, a mocking of a gift.
She had not connected into the larger story going on. There was a dismissal of God.
They said to him, “Where is your wife Sarah?” And he said, “There, in the tent.”  Then one said, “I will surely return to you in due season, and your wife Sarah shall have a son.” And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him. 
Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?” 
The Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, and say, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too wonderful for the Lord? At the set time I will return to you, in due season, and Sarah shall have a son.” 
But Sarah denied, saying, “I did not laugh”; for she was afraid. He said, “Oh yes, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:10-15
Sarah did not affirm the footprints of God moving toward her.
If affirming is to strengthen, then to not affirm is to weaken, to deny what is good and right. Sarah laughed at God and Abram.
What happens in you when you are laughed at?
For many of us, it will be a loss of confidence in who we are and what we do. We question whether God could be that good.
Affirmation of the footprints
I remember as a child going fishing with my father at a beach called Te Arai. We would walk along the beach with our rods and a sack of fishing gear.
His large feet pressing into the sand and me semi leaping from footprint to footprint. Then we would come to the rocky outcrop that jutted out from the beach.
He would say to me to just follow the route he was taking. I would follow the edges and ledges above roaring seas, and he would affirm me as I jumped from rock to rock. I would gain confidence with every word.
Good conversations
When we listen well, we note the footprints.
We listen for the movement of something good, and we affirm it. It's like we bend down and firm the ground around their feet so they can keep moving onward.
Laughing, mocking, denying or rushing past will stifle the goodness that is there. We listen for the small millimeter movements of change, then we affirm them.
What this does in the other is that it releases confidence that they are being heard and when you feel deeply understood then you are more likely to share another word or two.
Good conversations evoke a confidence to speak.
In your conversations today listen for the footprints. Those places of movement where people are maybe taking one step forward but slipping back two. Listen for the struggle and affirm them for the effort made.
Spiritual Exercise
Ask God for the awareness of someone that needs affirmation, that sense that they have value and importance. Listen for the words they say and ask God to help you to notice the footprints that need firming up.
Quotes to consider
A man’s deepest terror is weightlessness, the absence of solid substance that others recognize and appreciate. Larry Crabb
Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb
Be kind. Everyone you meet is carrying a heavy burden. Ian MacLaren
To affirm a person is to see the good in them that they cannot see in themselves and to repeat it in spite of appearances to the contrary. Please, this is not some Pollyanna optimism that is blind to the reality of evil, but rather like a fine radar system that is tuned in to the true, the good, and the beautiful. When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation. Brennan Manning The furious longing of God
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one. C.S. Lewis
Questions to Answer
What do you need to do to affirm someone?
What is it like to dis-affirmed as Sarah did to Abram and God?
Have you ever been deeply affirmed? What was it like?
Further reading
https://turningthepage.info/friends-activity-builds-mental-health/
https://turningthepage.info/god-sets-the-lonely-in-families/
https://turningthepage.info/youre-not-a-problem-its-not-who-you-are/
Barry Pearman
Photo by Sahand Hoseini on Unsplash
 

Episode 7 To Listen to them Be Quick to Listen to Your 'Self'

Listening to others can be frustrating, but when we listen to our ‘self,’ we might find the key to compassionate listening to others. Going deep, where life is indeed happening, requires us to stop and be slow. Be quick to listen to your self.
I wondered why I was getting so angry and frustrated with them.
I had listened to them, shared some wisdom, and nothing had changed. Why wouldn’t they follow through and do what I wanted them to do?
Surface level listening will be ok for most of our communication needs, but for the deep, essential soul questions, it takes discipline to slow down and give focused, attentive space for the other.
Be quick to listen
In the Bible, a writer by the name of James gives this advice.
Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters:You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak,and slow to get angry. James 1:19
Why would James include an emotion such as anger in a sentence about communication?
I believe that anger and frustration are often related to not having expectations met.
I ask my son to wash the dishes. He agrees but doesn’t do it. I get feelings of anger and frustration. The expectation of clean dishes wasn’t met.
He didn’t listen well to understand that this was important to me.
I didn’t listen well to understand that he had an important school assignment due tomorrow.
Had we both been quick to listen and slow to speak, we might have negotiated the problem better.
The conversation might have gone along these lines.
‘Would you be able to wash the dishes’?‘Yes, I can, but I need to work on my assignment for the next hour. Is that ok?’
If your feeling angry and frustrated with someone, then I would suggest that you might not be listening deep enough.
Listen to yourself
What are your motivations when you come to listen to others?
Here are some suggestions
Perhaps you want to
Fix them
Solve the problems they have
Make your life easier
Manipulate them to do something
We enter into conversations for many different reasons, some of them not so noble.
So the first person we need to listen to is ourselves.
What is going on inside of us?
This is a discipline of laying aside our agenda for the sake of someone else.
Listening to the other
Listening to the other is going to require slowing down on your behalf and asking questions with no agenda other than to understand.
You may want to ask these questions.
‘Tell me more. I want to understand.’
‘I didn’t quite get that, can you explain it further.’
‘This is what I heard. Did I get that right?’
Watch the tone of your voice. Note your body language.
Anything that expresses anger or frustration will shut the communication flow down.
Connection
The writer James wasn’t just talking about communication. He was focusing on connection. That a conversation would go to a place where there was a deep connection of the soul to soul.
This is what we long and crave for.
Someone who will get us. Having another wanderer who can share our journey.
Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of loveto another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb
Spiritual Exercise
Over the next week listen for signs of anger and frustration in your life. How many of them are due, in part, to not have been deeply listened to?
You can’t control others, but you take responsibility to be a good listener yourself. Look for moments in conversations where you can take the conversation into connection. Ask further questions where you seek out more clarification?
Quotes to consider
Competent people do a good job—dentists, plumbers, schoolteachers, and technicians—but it is inadequate people, people who know that they are inadequate, that become effectively usable by God, by the Spirit of God in the work of Soul Care. Larry Crabb
To be more aware of the other person, first, become more aware of yourself. Without self-awareness, self cannot be laid aside, in order to listen. D. Riddell
Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel or corrections. With such questions, we help “hear each other into deeper speech.” Parker J. Palmer.
When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. Parker J. Palmer.
Good work is relational, and its outcomes depend on what we are able to evoke from each other. Parker J. Palmer
It is usually most helpful to ask questions that are more about the person than about the problem. Parker J. Palmer 
Questions to answer
Why do you think we are more likely to be quick to speak and slow to listen?
Describe the aspects of a conversation that you felt turned into a connection?
How much vulnerability is required of the listener to listen deeply?
Further reading
Please. No Fixing, Advising, Saving or Straightening Out
 
Why Men Don’t Talk. 26 Reasons for Silence
 
More of Ruth and Less of Dr. Bob – Being a Companion
 
Barry Pearman
Photo by Anita Peeples on Unsplash

Episode 6 A Mountain in Your Life? Where does your Help Come From?

When we keep looking at the mountain of struggle, we can feel crushed, but when we know someone greater than the mountain is with us, we can find the help we need. Mountains move when we meditate on Gods goodness.
Where I live, I’m surrounded by mountains. They’re not very high mountains. The highest peak is only 196 meters high and has the name Mt. Eden and is a dormant volcanic cone.
The highest mountain I have been up to is Pikes Peak near Colorado Springs. At 4302 meters it’s so high that the breathing is difficult, but the views are fantastic.
A Mountain can be  imposing
When you go to a place where there are many mountains it can be imposing.
They dominate the scenery. Everywhere you look you see this fortress looming up into the sky.
When you are at the base of the mountain, you look up, and you feel small. Tonnes and tonnes of rock piled up. It’s awe-inspiring, but it also blocks out the sun.
In the shadowed valleys it can get bitterly cold and dark.
Mental Mountain
There are times when many of us can feel overwhelmed and undermined by the sense of living under a mountain. Guilt, shame, failure, loss, depression, anxiety bear down on us.
It’s always there. It won’t shift, and it looms heavy with a cold shadow.
We try to scale the mountain, fight against its slide. Perhaps we were never meant to fight the mountain anyway.
Where does my help come from
The Psalmist writes this.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—    where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord,    the Maker of heaven and earth.Psalm 121: 1,2
There are many interpretations of what this beautiful psalm might mean.
I think that the poet fully understood the dominating effect of a mountain.
They look up at an imposing mountain: the struggle, the challenge, and the hard work. In our day, we would look for the chair lift or cable car — the quick, easy, and safe option.
The Psalmist never had google he only had God. The best option was to build a life of intimate prayer.
The help needed came from an intimate heartbeat relationship with God.
The mountain to move 
I have mountains in my thinking I want to move.
Something I have found is that the more I focus on the mountains, the more I become mesmerized by them. They draw my attention in so that nothing else matters.
My attention shifts away from the ‘maker of heaven and earth.’
The Psalmist calls us to look at the creator, not the mountain.
Those mountains of trouble won’t last. They are temporal. God is eternal.
Mountains move
It’s surprising how when we shift our gaze back onto the creator, the fueled feelings can change. They seem to lose their power in the presence of the all-powerful.
As we commit our mountains, hills, and road bumps to our walking companion, we learn to listen for the conversation going on.
Together we find alternative routes through. The struggles lose their power to dominate our thinking.
Mountains move when we find Gods goodness.
Spiritual Exercise
Name the mountains in your life, then notice every time that they form in your thinking. Gently bring your gaze back to Jesus, who is walking beside you. As you gaze on Jesus and listen to his words, note how the mountains lose their power.
A reflection on the road to Emmaus
Quotes to consider
Believing all of my emotions is the shortest way into the loop of insanity. First the truth, then faith in the truth, then the feelings will come around. D. Riddell
We cannot attain the presence of God. We’re already totally in the presence of God. What’s absent is awareness Richard Rohr
God is not absent. It is we who fail to notice divine presence. It’s all a matter of awareness. Note: how aware are you of God, right at this moment. David G. Benner
Being present simply means being fully where you are. David G. Benner PhD and Richard Rohr
Each moment of awareness is a small awakening, and each awakening—no matter how insignificant it might seem—can be a doorway to becoming. David G. Benner
What you pay attention to—what you rest your mind on—is the primary shaper of your brain. Rick Hanson
Questions to answer
What are the mountains that get your attention?
What would Jesus say to you as you wak the pilgrim’s path?
How do you focus your thinking on the ‘maker of heaven and earth’?
Further reading 
 
 
 
Barry Pearman
Photo by Kyle Johnson on Unsplash

Episode 5 Your Failure in Life Needs Love

One failure in life seems to collect another failure, but love can cut through any collection of failures. We need to listen for the shame that has been collected then meet it with heartwarming arms.
If you can talk about failure, you can talk about anything.
As he opened up and talked about his failures, I wondered what I was supposed to do.
Questions rumbled through my mind.
Was he genuine?
Was he seeking sympathy?
What wasn’t he telling me?
Was this a pity party?
No, he owned the failures. He was taking responsibility for the mess he had made of life, and he just wanted me to know.
She told me the story of a time where she had made a terrible decision.  Now, this failure had other failures clinging to it. The weight of it was taking her down. She wanted me to know. 
Cleaning the life drains
One of my less than desirable jobs as a gardener is to clean drains.
It’s fascinating how one little twig will get caught on the side of a drain. Then, later on, another small branch will come downstream and collide with it. They knit together.
Then some leaves float down and mesh in amongst the twigs.
Fine silt washes into the knitting and builds a base. Then weed seeds settle on the soil, spread their roots, and block the drain.
It stays blocked until something quite abrupt and unsettling comes and disturbs the clog. Usually, it’s my spade driving deep and long into the mess and cleaning it out.
Collecting failure
Some people collect stamps, some china dolls, most of us collect our failures.
Little failures snag into our life. They bind and weave themselves into the psyche. Then another failure happens, and it twists itself in.
Failures accumulate, and you take on the personality of a walled-up dam.
You see yourself as a failure. Any successes and any joys get shredded down to being yet another failure.
Shame and guilt
When understanding failure, it’s crucial to know the difference between shame and guilt.
Guilt is focused on a behavior that has been done. ‘I did something wrong.’ I am guilty of stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. I did it. I own the action I took. I own the thinking that led me down that pathway to opening the pantry door, prying open the tin and devouring the cookie.
Shame is focused on the self. ‘I am bad.’ I am a cookie thief, a notorious biscuit bandit. I steal, rob, and destroy cookies. I have the full personality of a cookie criminal.
Guilt: I made a mistake.Shame: I am a mistake.
The early messaging
How many of us have a deep belief that we are a mistake?
When I was researching for the post Why Men Don’t Talk I received this message on Facebook  as a reason why men don’t talk
‘Being told as a child that “You’re a failure,” “You’re useless” “You’re a parasite” “You know nothing.”
Tears welled up in me when I thought of a small child being hammered with shame. It’s abuse, emotional abuse.
Like little twigs gathered together, these would have collected further shame messages that floated by. They would have dug deep into this mans thinking.
Shame collects shame like a rotting carcass collects flys. It’s repulsive, smelly, and ultimately destructive.
When we talk
It’s love that shatters shame.
We don’t want to talk about our failures as failures can be shame buttons.
Talk about them, and others have the opportunity to push the button and spread the word that you’re a failure.
Jesus and Peter
Jesus and Peter were the closest of friends. Where Jesus went, Peter went.
You couldn’t separate them, and so in the time when Jesus needed Peters friendship the most, you would expect Peter to be bound right next to him.
Peter denied even knowing Jesus. Slap in the face to Jesus. The message to Jesus was ‘You’re truly alone.’
A natural consequence you would think to this behavior would be Jesus rejecting Peter.
‘I can’t trust you anymore;I thought I knew you?;Why did you reject me?
I would love to know what that first conversation between Jesus and Peter was like after this event. What were the verbal and non-verbal messages being sent and received?
I wonder what happened? We don’t know.
We know that on the third meeting, Peter leaped out of a boat, swam to the shore and warmed himself around a fire Jesus had built. Words flowed, and love exchanged. Peter was restored, and the vision was resurrected.
Here is what I think happened in the first meeting.
I think forgiveness flowed and shame got shattered by love. Like my sharp spade cutting through the dross of a drain.
Love remembers no wrongs
Paul knew the dark shadow of shame well, and I believe that it was his ‘thorn in the flesh.’
He also knew about love.
Love keeps no record of wrongs 1 Corinthians 13:5
When we love well, we don’t keep a record of what this person did or did not do.
We learn to let it go. No shaming of others for past offenses. We don’t enslave them to the burden of another time.
We don’t shame ourselves either. Self-love is as valuable as loving others. We forgive ourselves and learn from our failures.
You’re not a wretch so don’t sing yourself into a shame-based spirituality.
Read more – Self Compassion for a ‘Wretch like me.’
Perhaps some loving self-talk might shift the silt of shame.
I am not the man I once was.I am not the woman I once wasI am not the sum of my failuresI am not the sum of my successesI am one who is loved, held and cherished for all that I am
One failure in life seems to collect another failure, but love can cut through any collection of failures. We need to listen for the shame that has been collected then meet it with open, loving, and forgiving arms.
Quotes to consider
Shame causes us to see our identity as flawed rather than seeing ourselves as having flaws. Dan Allender
Religion without grace can tie shame around our souls like a choke chain and never offers relief. Brennan Manning
Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. Brené Brown
To be known means that you allow your shame and guilt to be exposed—in order for them to be healed. Curt Thompson
Your failures are just another occasion and opportunity to learn and practice love, even toward yourself. You deserve mercy too. Richard Rohr
When the failure has prompted some serious personal learning, then it’s no longer truly a failure. D. Riddell
Unless a bishop, teacher, or minister has on some level walked through suffering, failure, or humiliation, his or her words will tend to be fine but superficial, OK but harmless, heard by the ears but unable to touch the soul. Richard Rohr
Life, if we are honest about it, is made up of many failings and fallings, amidst all of our hopeful growing and achieving. Richard Rohr
Christianity is not about being right. It’s about being loved. Curt Thompson Questions to consider
What stops us from talking about our failures?
What do you think Jesus said to Peter in that first encounter?
How has failure collected other failures in your life?
What is the cumulative effect of collecting failures?
Further reading
Comparisonitis – The Compulsion to Compare Yourself
Self Compassion for a ‘Wretch like me’
Mental Health is … Giving Grace to Failure and Rethinking Expectations
Barry Pearman
Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash

Episode 4 Why Men Don’t Talk. 26 Reasons for Silence

Men aren’t talking, but they need to. We need to enter the cave of man’s mind and encourage him to talk. Words flow when we listen well.
It was early in the morning, and I was driving to the first job of the day. The day was starting dark, cold, and wet, and I was listening to the radio when I heard a deep and serious voice come to my ears.
Friday, August 9th [2019] is Radio Hauraki’s ‘No Talk Day.’We’re not talking, to encourage Kiwi men to start.
Last year, 668 Kiwis took their own lives.475 of these were men. [71%]
On average, more than 1 Kiwi male took their own life each day.It could be your mate, your dad, your brother, or even your son.
Sometimes men feel they can’t open up about what’s affecting themso they just don’t talk.
Which is why on August 9th on Radio Hauraki, we’re not talking.No shows, no ads, no news, no traffic.
We’re not talking, so you can.
If you’re thinking someone you know might be struggling, it’s time to reach out.
Ask them they feel.Tell them you care.
We know it’s hard, but it might be the most important conversation you ever have.
NO ANNOUNCERS NO NEWS NO TRAFFIC NO ADS
Radio Hauraki
 
It got me thinking about why men don’t talk and why I don’t either.
Of course, men do talk, it just may not be about what truly matters.
We’ll talk about sports, politics, cars, technology, work, etc.
As we go fishing, we will talk about the surface of the sea, but will avoid fishing up the true monsters of the deep.
 
Read more by going to the blog post

Episode Three. God Sets the Lonely in Families

 
When trouble comes, we can quickly isolate ourselves, but there needs to be an invitation to go deep and connect. God sets the lonely in families. 
We need others who will tag along and pray with us. 
It must have been a very lonely place.
He had done everything he said he wouldn't do and had gone against his deepest values. With a shudder, he realized that he was not the man he thought he was.
He was certainly not the man he wanted others to think him to be. 
The decision to go the way he went had its roots in something beyond his comprehension. There was a subconscious unawareness to his actions that now scared him to the bones. 
He was eating the pig slop of his own choices. Over and over again, one question haunted his mind. 
‘How did I get here’?
 
Read more at  God Sets the Lonely in Families

Episode 2. Is my Mental Illness because of Sin in my life?