What is Emotional Pain?

It’s a long way from there to there. Stuck in the middle, we have emotional pain, but we can also have presence. A comfort to the pain of now.

They wanted some relief. It wasn’t so much the highs and lows of a roller coaster; it was more like dragging a heavy sack of struggle around with them.

For others, it is like a dark shadow that has come over them. Engulfing them, creeping with unending persistence over the little light they have within them.

How would you describe emotional pain?

Emotional pain. It’s different from physical pain. You can tell the doctor that you have pain in your right leg and they can offer medical suggestions – physiotherapy, exercises, medication.

But what exercise can heal a broken heart?

What medication can resolve anger and resentment simmering in the soul?

There is physical pain and there is emotional pain and they seem to intertwine themselves where one feeds the other.

My back pain can resource my feelings of misery.

A merry heart can be like a medicine to the body. Proverbs 17:22

Have you noticed the intertwining between body and soul?

Are we there yet?

Christmas day and it was a two and half hour drive between my childhood home and my grandparents’ home.

Two and half hours of monotony and boredom.

Weaving around corners and up and over hills. Passing through towns, I would look out and see children playing on new bikes they had got that morning.

Groan.

My new red bike was back at home. I had a snatched look and a smell of that new bike, and then we were in the car for that long drive.

I watched those children with envy.

My grandparents’ home was not my home. It was nice to see them. Get slightly spoiled and experience life in another home different to my own. But it was not my home.

Groan.

But in a couple of days, we were back in that old Morris Marina and on the road. There was a quiet excitement and hope to return home.

Home, that’s where I long to be.

Or as Bono would sing ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.’

What is emotional pain?

Emotional pain is rooted in that experience of not being there yet. All of those feelings of anger, grief, loss, sadness, loneliness all have the smell of knowing this isn’t what we were meant for.

We were created for something we have never fully experienced. A garden of intimacy, delight, joy and peace.

I still have wafts of it in the relationships I have. I also still see it in this creative glory box God has made for me.

Creation, like myself, groans for what once was.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning together as it suffers together the pains of labor,  and not only the creation, but we ourselves. Romans 8:22-23a 

That emotional pain is the groan. I know something better. It’s unconscious, but I’m not there yet.

There is also a groaning for what will be.

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
Death will be no more;
mourning and crying and pain will be no more,
for the first things have passed away.’ Revelation 21:4

I long for a fullness of presence like a deer pants for water when the sun is beating down hard.

Archetype

There is a kind of archetype in all of us.

What’s an archetype?

In Jungian theory it’s a primitive mental image inherited from the earliest human ancestors, and supposed to be present in the collective unconscious. Oxford reference

It’s a simple thread of knowing that has been passed down through generations. Deeply unconscious to my awareness I still long for something of another world.

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. C. S. Lewis

Listening to groans

So what do we do with the emotional pain?

The most common medication is self comfort. We self soothe to the point of addiction.

The obvious addictions are drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, gambling, shopping, gaming, eating, etc

The not so obvious are those of demanding control, religious observance, success (however you define that), hobbies etc

But in every self soothing effort I have tried, it feels like there is a bungee cord wrapped around me. One of those huge rubber bands that wants to pull me back to something better, something that I can’t be in control of.

I’m not against self soothing. I think it’s important to have some practices that bring comfort to the pain of living in this state of ‘not there yet.’ But self-soothing must always bring me closer in a relationship to the one I’m going to spend eternity with.

That bungee cord pulls me back to God and maybe a few safe others that will listen with compassion to my groans. They won’t F.A.S.S. me (Fix, Advice, Save, or Set straight).

Instead, there will be a warm embracing community.

Thank you, that helped.

For the struggler in the valley of emotional pain, they simply want to be heard.

They don’t want criticism, or more burdens added.

After being listened to well, the most common response is ‘Thank you, that helped.’

It may not have taken the emotional pain away, instead it simply says that you’re not alone in it.

Quotes to consider

• Acceptance is not our mode nearly as much as aggression, resistance, fight, or flight. None of them achieve the deep and lasting results of true acceptance and peaceful surrender. Richard Rohr. Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps
• You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge. Richard Rohr. Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps
• Emotional pain always results when life’s experiences go beyond the answers we already have. Dig deeper for more wisdom or go on hurting. David Riddell
• Those who do not turn to face their pain are prone to impose it. Terrence Real, I Don’t Want To Talk About It
• Redeemed pain is more impressive to me than removed pain. Phillip Yancey
• Home is where I want to be
  Pick me up and turn me roundI feel numb, burn with a weak heart
  I guess I must be having fun

  The less we say about it the better
  Make it up as we go along

  Feet on the ground
  Head in the sky

  It’s ok I know nothing’s wrong… nothing

  Hi yo I got plenty of time
  Hi yo you got light in your eyes

  And you’re standing here beside me
  I love the passing of time

  Never for money
  Always for love
  Cover up + say goodnight… say goodnight

  Home, is where I want to be
  But I guess I’m already there

  I come home, she lifted up her wings
  Guess that this must be the place

  I can’t tell one from another
  Did I find you, or you find me?

  There was a time before we were born
  If someone asks, this where I’ll be where I’ll be

  Hi yo we drift in and out
  Hi yo sing into my mouth

  Out of all those kinds of people
  You got a face with a view

  I’m just an animal looking for a home
  Share the same space for a minute or two

  And you love me till my heart stops
  Love me till I’m dead

  Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
  Cover up the blank spots
  Hit me on the head ah ooh
  Shawn Colvin – This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)

Questions to answer

1. Can you think of an experience where you sensed you were not there yet?
2. What would ‘Home’ feel like for you?
3. Who has offered to you that sense of deep listening?

 

Further reading

Barry Pearman

Photo by Nathaniel Flowers on Unsplash

 

Get a weekly email full of help for your Mental Health and Spiritual formation

* indicates required

Email Address *

 

First Name *

Last Name *

 

 

Read this further here

FOLLOW ME!
Email me: barry@turningthepage.co.nz
Website: https://turningthepage.co.nz/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/turningthepage1atatime
Twitter: https://twitter.com/barrypearman
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/barry_pearman/
Podcast https://turningthepage.co.nz/podcast-listen-mental-health/

Support Turning the Page with a Donation https://turningthepage.co.nz/give/